How Do I Get My Husband To Stop Being Selfish With Sex?

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice on how a wife can get her husband to stop being selfish in the bedroom.

Should A Married Couple Attend Different Churches?

Dr. Roz and Kil break down should a married couple attend different churches.

My Husband Is Addicted To Drugs!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband is addicted to drugs.

My Husband NEVER Sacrifices For Me!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband doesn't sacrifice for her.

How Do I Tell My Family I'm Marrying Outside My Race?

Dr. Roz and Kil answer a question about marrying outside your race.

Marriage Exposed is the website that talks about what marriage REALLY is...work. It's some of the best work you can sign up for but nevertheless, it's work.

Have you ever wondered what you'd get if you took a clinical psychologist and a hip hop producer and gave them a blog that dealt with marriage, relationships and everything in between? Probably not...BUT if you did, then you'd have Marriage Exposed! With a mixture of therapeutical strategies, biblical principals, practicality and laughter, Dr. Roz and Kil not only coach couples through the "hard times" of their relationships but they continue to impart wisdom, after their storms have passed. Send us your questions or comments and join the conversation!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: My Boyfriend's Acting Different...What Could It Be?


My BF met my parents recently. We have dated for nearly a year. Apparently my father had a conversation with him and the gist of the convo was that I am a good woman with my share of flaws and that I will not wait for ever (for him to decide when to move to the next step). Since this conversation (about 3 weeks ago) he has spent time with me but has gone out every night, either with friends or alone. I am not sure what to make out of this new behavior and I and having a hard time determining how to address it with him without appearing to be a nag. Any suggestions or insight? Thanks!

Kil's 2 Cents
Well, that's what's up that you don't wanna seem like a nag but truth be told, if you bring up something we (men) don't wanna talk about, we'll probably label you a nag anyway, so you might as well ask him. If your boyfriend took your father serious about their convo, he may be pulling back if he's not ready to take that next step or he could just be showing off. But if he's pulling back because he's not ready to take that next step, he should tell you that and then you'll have to decide whether to stay with him or leave the relationship IF you're ready to take the next step. But like I tell everyone who asks questions around here, you gotta ask your mate because he can be doing these things for a wide range of reason and all Roz and I can do is assume.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Can Men and Woman TRULY Just Be Friends?


So, the hoopla I've been seeing for the past week and a half is this video of Steve Harvey talking about how men and women can't be friends. And some of my peoples have been hitting me up asking me my two cents on this topic. Well, before I get into my opinion, let's check out what Steve had to say...


So what's my two cents? Well, it depends on the when and the why. If we're talking about single men and women, then I agree with Chris Rock that no man sees a woman and says "I wanna be her friend." If a single man is "really" friends with a woman and wants NOTHING but friendship from her, it's usually for two reasons. Number one, he's not attracted to her or number 2, even if he is attracted to her, she's too crazy to deal with in a relationship. BUT under #2, he still may hit if she let's him but even with having sex with her he STILL may not think she's wifey material and still wanna just be friends...but with benefits.

Now with married folk, I think a true friendship between men and women depends on your committment to your marriage because as a married man/woman you're going to be attracted to other people, but what you do with that attraction is the key to the puzzle. For me, the bulk of the female friends I have to this day I've known for 15+ years. I can count on one hand how many female friends I've added to my circle since I've been married and because I respect my marriage and my committment to Tanya, all I want from ALL of my female friends is just their friendship. Now if you don't respect your marriage or your committment to your family then as a married man/woman you may be trying to have sex with your male/female friends but the moral to the story is I'm sorry to bust Steve Harvey's bubble but yes, men and women CAN be friends, it just depeneds on the circumstances.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How to Find the Right Mate, The Right Way!


I completely agree with Kil's assessment about praying for the right mate! I do believe in consulting God or your higher power with all my decisions, especially my major life decisions! However, I want to twist this segmesnt a bit and query you on whether you are the right mate!

Often times, we lie to ourselves and like to think that we are the best person that anybody can have in their lives! We often say , you will never find anybody better than me, or She can't love you like I can, but we never stop to think about what we truly bring to our relationships in regards to our flaws and assets!

How often do you ask yourself if you are the right mate for someone and what makes you the right mate! How often do you spend time with yourself to figure out how to better you! It's my personal opinion ( and could possibly pass for a professional opinion) that you can't be a mate for anyone if you do not know what you bring to the table! What makes you a great spouse, what attributes do you have, what are your flaws, and are they liveable flaws? What I mean by liveable flaws is simply does your flaws not cause too much tension between you and your spouse and it's something that can be looked over. However, if infidelity, substance abuse, or finances are part of your flaws, those are not liveable flaws, as they will cause too much tension in your relationship!

So while you are searching for that right mate, I challenge you to make sure that you are the right mate for someone once you are found! And yes ladies, you are to be found! So ladies work on yourself, so when Prince Charming does come your way, you are ready to receive the blessing that God has bestowed on you!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How To Find A Mate, The Right Way!

Go Eagles!!!!! 28 Pts in the 4th?!?!?!
A lot of my single peoples ask me, "how do I find a good man" or "how do I find a good woman"? And my answer is always the same "boring" answer of "pray on it". I call that the boring answer because people want me to give them a sure shot recipe like, catch the 6 bus to Broad and Olney, then get on the 1st car of the express train going to City Hall and the dude sitting 3 chairs from the conductor's booth, he's the one." If only finding the right person to marry was that easy. See, when you're praying on something, you need to have patience and in 2010 that's something a lot of people don't have...but we need it IF we wanna find the right person.

I'd rather be patient in finding the right person, then having to live through the hell of picking the wrong person. First thing first, I know not everyone wants to hear this, but not everyone is called to be married. The same way everyone isn't called to have children. But both are things most people want, so we move heaven and earth to get them and we don't care about God's plan for us, we just brody (philly slang for "get in front of" or "to take" exp. "That cat just brodied me for my place in line") our plan into effect. But I've learned from playing this game of life for 36 years that God's plan is better then mine. So single men and women out there who want to be married, PLEASE I beg of you, pray to God for who your mate should be and wait for HIM to give you the ok, not your best friend, father, mother, etc. That right there is Kil's sure shot way to find a mate, cause you'll NEVER go wrong with God's plan! Trust me on that!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What Does Love have to DO with it?


What does love have to do with a relationship? Obviously you need it to maintain your relationship, but does love conquer all? Sure love makes it easier to deal with your spouse's flaws, but is it more important than commitment?

 I know a lot of divorced or separated people that still love each other, so why is that not enough to make the marriage work? All you hear about relationships is that it can only work if you fall in love with someone, but what happens if you feel like you've fallen out of love with your spouse, but you still want your marriage? Is your marriage, really a marriage at this point? When does commitment out weigh love? I'm not sure if we will ever know because nine times out of ten we do not assess our marriages to see what makes it work or not work!

I think Love is different for everyone and it certainly depends on what your definition of love is that dictates if it has anything to do with your marriage or not! I know individuals that are in an arranged marriage based purely off of business, however their marriages last! Maybe at some point they may find love within their marriage, but it certainly does not start off with that lovey dovey butterflies in your stomach feeling!

 It's my assessment that love alone can't make a relationship function properly. Moreover, I believe that each couple has to figure out the ingredients that makes their marriage work, as I am sure that it is different for each couple. However, what I do know for sure is that Love has to be a part of the equation for my relationship to function properly!

Family, what are your thoughts, what role does love play in your relationship?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What Should I Do if My Spouse Doesn't Want to Go to Marriage Counseling with Me?


What should I do if my spouse doesn't want to go to marriage counseling with me and does that mean he doesn't want to be married anymore?

Dr. Roz's Response

It does not neccessarily mean that he may not want to be married to you anymore, he just may be uncomfortable with the idea of telling his business to a stranger. I would encourage you to ask your spouse what his resistance may be in terms of participating in therapy, it may not have anything to do with the idea that it's about you, but again moreso the idea of someone else telling him how to "run" his life. If this may be his reason, Please let him know that this is a myth about therapy and that therapy is not a place where someone solves your problems for you without you doing any of the leg work. As a therapist, we guide YOU in helping YOU to figure out what may be causing you distress. It is not a therapist's job to direct your life, we want nothing more than to empower you to better your life. I would encourage you to still try to communicate with your spouse to figure out the resistance and if he doesn't go to therapy with you, then go by yourself. Sooner or later your spouse will want to know what you are saying about them in therapy and eventually will want to be involved in the process.

Kil's Response

 First, I think you should share with your spouse how important it is to you that you both go to counseling together. If he doesn't budge, then I think you should go by yourself. We both individually brings thing to our marriage, so even without your spouse present you can begin the healing and growing process for yourself. I would then come home and share what your counseling session was about because prayerfully if he sees you growing from the counseling process, maybe he will want to start going with you. And I don't think if he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, that means he doesn't want to be married anymore. It can mean many things, like he doesn't want to share his feelings with someone else or he doesn't feel comfortable sharing in general but you'll have to ask him if him not going to counseling means he doen't love you anymore. Good luck!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What's Love Got to Do With It?


When Tee and I were in pre-marriage counseling, our pastor asked us what was the most important ingredient in marriage. We both thought the answer was love but the pastor told us it was commitment. He told us there would be days and times when it feels like we don't love each other but being committed to each other will be what keeps the marriage together.

So, even though we were wrong with love being the answer, I do believe love is a HUGE part of making your marriage work. But I'm not talking about "worldly love", I'm talking about "agape" love. With "worldly love", the premise is I'll love you as long as you love me and you do what I want you to do. But "agape" love is TOTALLY different. The essence of agape love is self sacrifice. Agape is love which is of God, whose very nature is love itself. Agape love is what is missing in SO many of our marriages. It would be truly hard to fall out of love with someone who's serving you and meeting all of your needs. And if you mix agape love and commitment together we would have a lot more happier marriages and much less divorce.

John 13:34 Jesus says "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. As I have loved you, you should also love one another." This new commandment involves loving one another as Christ loved us sacrificially, even to the point of death. But only God can generate that kinda sacrificial love within us so at the end of the day, if we want the kinda love that can save our marriages and our families, we're gonna have to start hanging out with God more.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Does the Media influence How We Percieve What a Marriage Should be?



I agree with Kil on how Chris Rock is amazing in discussing real life events in his comedy act and that the media completely influences how we perceive things. However, I think the media influences women a bit differently than how men may be influenced in regards to marriage.

In my honest opinion, I believe the media focuses more on the wedding rather than the marriage completely. I know I planned my wedding at the age of five, bought bridal books while in college, watched all of the bridal shows, (TLC's A Wedding Story, Bridezilla, just to name a few)!  All in preparation for the big day, but I can honestly tell you on September 17, 2006, a day after my wedding, that's when I thought about what my marriage would be!

My complete focus was on the details of the wedding, having the perfect dress, the perfect caterer, the perfect song, and the perfect venue. I drove myself, my family and friends, and my three wedding coordinators crazy!

For this reason alone, I think that this blog is so important, real people have to tell the real truth about marriage and to encourage others to think about everything in a marriage, not just the wedding! So follower's what are your thoughts, especially women, does media influence the aspects of the wedding more than the actual marriage?

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: It's the Media!


My favorite comedian is Chris Rock. I think the way he's able to talk about reality and make it funny is amazing. I always joke that Chris gives the best marriage advice through his comedy specials and his movie "I Think I Love My Wife" but we're so busy laughing nobody's listening. One of my fav routines Chris does is when he's talking about the media and how black folk blame the media for everything and I started thinking about how has the media shaped our opinion of marriage.

I was listening to Jazmine Sullivan's new album "Love Me Back" (which is BANANAS so go out and support!) and one of her songs "Excuse Me" has this line that's just flat out beautiful. She sings "Got me in the kitchen fixing dinner, make me wanna cook and clean, and just to see you smiling at me, baby you don't even have to ask me, don't care what the task be if it makes you happy" and I was thinking that sounds soooooo good, now if only that's what the game was really like. I mean for real, how many people REALLY can say they feel that way? Just to see your husband/wife happy, that you'd be willing to do whatever they want?

So I started thinking, is it lines like this that has us thinking this is what marriage is gonna be like? Someone cooking and cleaning the house while they're smiling at you? I've got a RACK of friends who always tell me they wanna be like the Huxtables. But are the Huxtables reality? I can't think of one episode when Cliff and Claire argued, and I mean ARGUED. I can't think of one episode where either of them ever complained about their jobs or money. And even though they were both a doctor and a lawyer, they were always home! No late nights at the office (except if Cliff was going to deliver a baby in the middle of the night) or nuthin! They were always around to be there for whatever their kids needed. There weren't any arguments over money, sex, that having 6 kids and those 6 kids bringing home other stray kids took away from their time together. The Huxtables just sang and danced and had fun. And if this is what people expect from their marriage when they say they wanna be like the Huxtables, I hope they're a sit com character cause what ya'll saw every Thursday from 8-8:30 ain't reality!

Sure you can dance and sing and have fun with your wife but you're also going fight, be frustrated about money sex, your job, life etc. I remember when Tanya and I first got married her boss' daughter asked her was our marriage like Martin and Gina's. 9 times outta 10 that's what she probably thought marriage would be like. Having fun, your friends over all the time, cracking jokes and again that's a small percentage of what marriage is about but that's not the big picture. So what do ya'll think? Does media give us a false sense of what marriage is gonna be like?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: I Can't Keep Up!


Aiight...some of our followers know that I'm a music producer and my first love has been music since I can remember. But I've always loved writing but always threw it on the backburner cause it was always boring to me. I remember in high school getting accepted to the Daily News' (Philly's newspaper) intership program and I didn't want to go because I had to be there at 8am EVERY Saturday for 6 weeks and I wasn't trying to hear that! Well, needless to say, my moms WAS trying to hear it so I ended up going, and I actually enjoyed the program. All of that to say is that through this blog, my other blog(willmakebeatsforfood.com) and writing for Couch Sessions (thecouchsessions.com) I've fully recovered my love for writing.

Since writing for Couch Sessions, I've been blessed to have the opportunity to go to a lot of shows and interview a rack of artists. Recently Jaguar Wright outta my hometown Philly was coming to DC to perform and I was going to have the opportunity to interview her. Jag had been MIA for a minute so I was on the internet looking up what she's been into lately and found out she got married. I figured I may be able to ask her some questions for this site about balancing show business and her marriage. Well, halfway through Jag's performance I found out she's divorced! Then the next day I got an email about interviewing Sunshine Anderson who was coming to town. Sunshine's been MIA for a minute too, so I'm back on the net doing the knowledge on her and found out that during her time off, she got married. So ya'll already know what I'm thinking...which was a good idea until I found out she's divorced too! Then a couple of days later I'm chillin' watching Sports Center and I hear Eva Langloria and Tony Parker are getting a divorce and I'm like WTF!?!?! I can't keep up!

I know first hand that divorce is real, I come from a divorced household. Almost every person in my family has been through a divorce and I see cheating and divorce in front of me everyday but like I said, I can't keep up! I need a running score card of who's still together and who's divorced! So this week, I have a question for all of our readers, what do ya'll think are some of the key reasons marriage end in divorce?

Friday, November 26, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Can One Person Satisfy ALL of Your Needs?



Can one person satisfy all of your needs?

Kil's View
I was asked this question last week by one of my single peoples and my answer is very simple, yes one person can meet all of your needs...IF THEY WANT TO!

See, marriage is all about being a servant to your spouse but most folk don't realize that, and even if they do realize it, they still don't want to be a servant. Not too many people are thinking "how can I make my wife happy" or "how can I make my husband feel loved"? We're usually on the opposite side of the spectrum, thinking about ourselves. Most married folk have a cap on what they're willing to do for their spouse. It may be a wife saying "I'm only willing to do THIS but not THAT" and a husband may be saying "I'm willing to talk to her THIS long but not THAT long" and with statements like that, it's not that one person CAN'T meet all your needs, it's that they WON'T meet all of your needs. Which most times leads to one of the spouses (or both) eventually finding someone else to meet those needs.

 Dr. Roz's View

I must agree with Kil on this point. One person is able to satisfy all of your needs, if your needs are communicated properly to that person and they are WILLING to meet your needs! Often times, we are selfish in relationships and are so focused on our needs not being met and seldomly think about are we doing all that we can to meet our spouses needs! Truth be told, it can be an overwhelming process or it may just boil down to pure laziness and the lack of desire to work that hard in our relationships. Most people often do not want to WORK in their relationships, but in everything else in life, we have to work for it to achieve successful results, is not your marriage or relationship that important? If we change the way that we feel about the work that goes into a relationship and let it become second nature, then we will succeed at meeting all of our spouse's needs!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is This A Red Flag?

I recently lost a close family member and my boyfriend was sympathetic but didn't take the steps I felt he should take to comfort me (visit with me, etc.) I'm disappointed in his actions as I interpret them as a lack of concern for my grieving and I shared my concerns with him. But I am wondering if this should be a red flag.


Kil's View

First things first, I'm sorry for your loss. Whenever people deal with death, we all deal with it differently and the people who love us may find it difficult to comfort us. As "the comforter", you may not know whether to shower the person with love and attention or to back away and let the person grieving lead you in what they need.

If you expressed to your boyfriend what you needed, and he didn't give it to you, I would say that once you're up to it, you two need to have a heart to heart about why he wasn't able to provide you with what you needed. Now if you didn't tell him what you wanted and you just assumed he would know what to do, then I would say give him a break because men on a whole really don't know what women want from us, especially in a situation to comfort someone grieving. Another thing to factor in is he may not know how to comfort someone in that situation if he's never been in that position before. Just some things to think about.

Dr. Roz's View

Please accept my condolesces for your loss. I agree with Kil, death is so uncomfortable for people and everyone handles it differently. I do like the fact that you expressed your concerns with your mate because it is important to let your mate know your needs. Now I will say from here on out, God forbids if you have to experience a death soon, but if he does not respond in the way that you have expressed to him that you need, then that most certainly is a red flag. You have to give people a chance, but once you have expressed your concerns and the next time they do not meet your expectations, then the nature of your relationship should be discussed. Also it's important to remember that people are different and will not respond how you may respond. My husband use to tell me all the time, that I should date myself if I want someone to respond in a way that I would, which makes a lot of sense. People are different and will respond differently. Continue communicating with your mate about your needs! Communication is key!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How Do YOU Rate Your Marriage?


Tee and I were having a conversation one night about how men feel about their marriages. I was telling her there are three different answers. The ratings system I was using is a 3 being "I LOVE my marriage, 2 being "my marriage is aiight...I'm surviving" and 1 being "I HATE my wife, God please kill her!" I told her I think most men would be number 2 and number 1 being a VERY close 2nd or vice versa. And of course she asked me why aren't there any men who would rate their marriage a 3 and my answer was "I don't know, but you're not gonna find a lot of people (men or women) who absolutely, positively LOVE their marriage.

The majority of men that I know, when I ask them if they got a divorce from their wife or God forbid she passed away, would they ever think of getting married again and 90% of them said "HELL NO!" But when I talk to women and ask them the same question, it's the flip, 100% of them say "yes" without even taking a second to think about their decision! Which makes me wonder, why is that? And keep in mind, these women's decision aren't based off if they rate their current marriage a 3, 2 or 1. I know women who have been cheated on in their current or past marriage NUMEROUS times but they still would give marriage another try. Now, I have absolutely no answer for that one...maybe it's the whole nurturing thing that women have in them. I'll let Roz and our female readers chime in to give me some insight on that one. But let's get back to the program. So why don't most people LOVE their marriage? I think it's because we're not doing what God called us to do.

Let's look at some of the things that God tells us about marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due to her..." now let's stop right there for a sec. Men, let's be real, like my man Kevin Hart says "real talk", how many of us are REALLY giving our wives the affection DUE to her? Not the amount of affection WE think they need or want but what's OWED to them? Probably not too many of us.

"And likewise also the wife to her husband." Aiight, women...are ya'll REALLY giving your husband the affection he's due? And I'm not even talking about sex! I'm just talking about hugging your husband, kissing him, holding him, etc? 
"The wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."

So we're not in control of our bodies anymore, our spouses are. So no one (husband or wife) should be withholding sex from each other or using sex as a bargaining chip in the marriage.

"Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self control."

Aiight, so basically in a nutshell, if you're not praying or fasting for something, a married couple should be having sex...period. It's like I've always told women, you can't send your sexless husband out into a world full of hoes and expect him not to be tempted! And then turn around and ask why he fell for the temptation!Don't ya'll know that's who Satan is looking for, horny husbands to tempt? So if you (men or women) decide to hold back sex for any reason from your spouse, PLEASE don't be shocked when someone else is trying to get at them!

Now Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives submit to your own husband as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husband in everything."

Wives, are you allowing your husband to lead you? Are you submitting to your husbands? And before you answer, do me this justice, and ask your husband do you allow him to lead. That way you can tell me the RIGHT answer, not just your answer. Because both men and women have a tendency to think we're doing a lot better at our jobs then we're actually doing.

Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it."

Fellas, we should be loving our wives enough to lay down our lives for them. Now the question is, do our wives feel that kinda love from us? Probably not but ask her and find out.

Why am I putting up scriptures about what God wants? Because I believe that if we're doing for our spouse what God wants us to we'd have more people LOVING their marriages and not just being aiight or praying a bolt of lightening would kill our spouse. Could you imagine how happy a wife would be if she was getting all the affection that was due to her? Could you imagine how happy a husband would be if he got sex anytime he wanted it? Could you imagine how happy a husband would be if he knew that his wife let him lead the family and she had a submissive attitude? Could you imagine how happy a wife would be if she could depend on her husband to lean on God to make decisions for the family? You probably can't imagine these things because most marriages don't live like this. You have wives feeling neglected, husbands horny as hell, wives trying to lead the house and husbands making decisions for their family based off which way the wind blows. But let's close our eyes and imagine a world like this. A world where spouses have the kind of marriages God wanted them to have. Yeah, that would be nice...If marriages were like all the examples I just gave, who on earth would want to get a divorce?!?!?! And I just pulled out a couple of scriptures of what God says about marriage. If we really start diggin' deep in the word, we'll see A LOT more of the blessings that God wants for YOUR marriage!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Communication, How Well do you Communicate in your Relationship?

Dr. Roz's Opinion!
1 100% agree with Kil in terms of how important communication is for a marriage! I firmly believe that a relationship or marriage will not survive if the two involved are unable to communicate with each other! Communicating is not just talking, but it's listening to your partner's concerns and empathizing with their concerns. So often we are preparing our rebuttal in a heated argument that we miss key pieces of what our spouse is trying to express to us!

Effective communication is often hindered by masking our true feelings, avoiding what we trully want to talk about and starting an argument over something totally unrelated, trying to control the conversation by cutting each other, or name calling. If this sounds like you, then chances are you are not communicating properly in your relationship! As a result, you are not giving your relationship a chance to grow, nor are you attending to your spouse's needs, thus leading to conflict!

I encourage you all to try to be open and honest about your feelings, but to also put yourself in your spouse's  shoes to understand their concerns. A relationship simply can not survive without being able to communicate and to communicate effectively! I'd like to challenge you all to assess how well you communicate your needs and if you are attentive to your spouse's needs.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Can A Marriage Survive Infidelity?



Dr. Roz’s View

Absolutely marriages can survive infidelity! It takes two dedicated people to want to work on whatever the issues are in your marriage and to recommit to each other! I know easier said than done, however there is a reason why we do what we do! You owe it to yourselves to figure out what went wrong and how you can make it better. Forgiveness is hard, but doable! Regaining trust is hard, but it’s doable and let’s face it, no one can turn off the love you have for your spouse overnight! Yes you may have triggers that will make you think of the cheating, maybe 2 or 10 years after the event, but you have to make a choice on whether you want to move forward or remain bitter. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the person that wronged you, so you absolutely have power over the choice of whether your relationship will survive or not!

Kil’s View

I think a marriage can survive infidelity if BOTH people are committed to repairing the marriage. I’ve seen a lot of times when the person who’s cheated feels like an apology to their spouse should be enough and that they shouldn’t have to go to counseling or deal with the backlash that comes with cheating. Some folk seem to not understand that SO many things are affected when someone cheats. And if you want your marriage back, the person who cheated is gonna have to work and work hard to get it back. I like to compare cheating to bankruptcy. You screw up and you’ll be paying for it for at least 7 years. Some folk feel like “I did it, I’m sorry, get over it” should be enough, but news flash, it’s not. Oh, if life was that easy. Trust me, you’ll be paying for your cheating, lying, secret life, etc for a minute. And on the flip side, the spouse who was wronged has to still want the marriage enough to go through the painful process that goes along with repairing the marriage, which is no easy task. So, I do believe that a marriage can survive infidelity but it’s gonna be hard work on both people’s part.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Happy Birthday Naomi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Naomi!!!!!!!!!!
First things first, before I get into this week's topic. I have to give a CRAZY shout out to my baby girl Naomi for celebrating her 5th birthday today!!!!!!! I can't believe it's been 5 years since I first held Naomi in my arms. Since that was the very first time I ever held a baby I KNEW I would drop her at least once during her newborn/toddler ages but thankfully I didn't! Naomi has grown into a beautiful, intelligent, God loving young lady and I wouldn't trade her for the world! So Happy Birthday Naomi and Daddy loves you with ALL of his heart!!!!!

Now, back to our regular scheduled programming on "Male Mondays". I was watching the Ravens/Dolphins game on Sunday trying to figure out what our topic this week should be. The Ravens had the ball and it was 3rd and goal and by the time the Ravens got in formation on the field the play clock was down to 3 seconds and the Raven's had to use the team's 2nd timeout and Clark Kellog said that the Raven's communication is defintely lacking today, which gave me the idea to talk about communication in marriage because in most marriages, communication is defintely lacking.

I think one of the hardest parts of marriage is that most times one spouse not only wants to communicates more than the other but they also communicates better than their spouse. And in my opinion for a marriage to truly be successful both individuals have to not only want to communicate, and have to communicate but need to learn to communicate well. When Tee and I first got married, one of our first counselors taught us that a lot of times "words get lost in the air". And what they meant by that was as the words leave my mouth and by the time they get to Tee's ears, what she hears, isn't what I was really saying. And that taught us that we have to make sure we both understand what the other is trying to say, which is no easy task. Because if your spouse doesn't get what you're really saying, it just leads us down a long, winding road that's hard to come back from. Whenever I start a converstaion with Tee, I always start with what my "thesis statement" is so she can understand what the moral of the story is before words start getting lost. But this is just one of many techniques you can use to try to make sure your spouse truly understands what you're trying to say, but I can't express how important it is for both spouses to step up their communication game. NO ONE wants to be on a team where one person does ALL the work and does all the "heavy lifting" while the other one just sits back and does nothing. BOTH people need to be working equally as hard to make sure that as a couple, that your communication game is tight which will reflect in a happier marriage. And happiness in marriage is like money, you can never have enough. I mean really, who doesn't want a happier marriage?

Friday, November 5, 2010

Female Fridays: Who's Investing In Your Marriage or Relationship?


My Fabulous Mommy, The President of my Advisory Board
I MUST SAY I AM TRULY BLESSED! I have several really good friends that love me and my husband that I can discuss my marital issues with and I know that there is no judgment zone. My parents who have been married for 43 years, always has great advice and my 3 sisters are also there for me, when I am trying to figure out this thing called being a wife! I even have a great relationship with my in laws as well! I consider them all my advisory board because I believe in processing my emotions and trying to see different perspectives about a situation.  Trust me if I am dead wrong, they will help me to see the errors of my ways but they understand why I may respond in such a manner as well, because they love me!  

Frank and I learned only on that you have to have people in your life that are a friend to your marriage. We do not have outside friends. Whoever is his friend is my friend as well and vice versa! I’m not saying that this is what everyone has to do, but this just works really well for us. If we find ourselves venting to our advisory board (of course I have more people that I vent to than he does), we know that they have our marriage as the best interest in mind! It’s not about leave him girl because he is no good for you or leave her because she drives you crazy, but we receive great solid GODLY advice on how to deal with our issues.

Marriage is not the fairy tale that we think it is when we are planning our weddings! I admit I was more enthralled in planning my wedding than what my actual marriage would look like.  3 weeks after being married, I recall being in a grocery store in the meat department crying because I couldn’t decide whether I should buy Frank turkey or ham for his lunch. The pressure of being a good wife in that moment was based on what would my husband enjoy the most and am I doing a great job in this whole wife department! Never mind the 5 years we spent dating and engaged, so I knew his likes, but that did not stop me from crying like I was  in the third grade in the middle of Whole Foods and calling one of my girlfriends and telling her I’m a horrible wife because I can’t make a decision between turkey or ham! It wasn’t until she said buy them both that I realized how silly this whole situation must have appeared to all the other patrons in the store. I can laugh about it now, but in that moment the stress of being a good wife was overwhelming and if my girl did not talk me through my mini little breakdown, I’m sure someone would have called the police on me for disturbing the peace! Lol

I believe in accountability and sometimes when I’m not feeling my husband or he’s not feeling me ( it happens to everyone), my advisory board lets me vent, but they also hold me accountable to the vows that I made and help me to realize different perspectives. Again, I’m blessed because most people will not be honest about the woes of marriage and sometimes you can feel like you are all alone in a situation! You start talking to other married people and you realize that just about every couple is going through what you are going through! That’s why I love writing this blog so much because it’s time to get honest about marriages, so that we can save our marriages.

When you think about it, we sound ridiculous thinking that marriage will always be blissful, there will be hard times! Just because you are going through hard times doesn’t mean that your marriage is a sham! It’s just a test to see whether you can whether the storm. Marriage is a lot like life, there will be disappointments, let downs, and disagreements, but you don’t divorce life when it gets hard, you push through the storm and that’s the same thing you have to do in marriage! Now I’m not saying tell you business to the world, but you have to have someone in your life that you can trust that will help you be accountable to your spouse. Again, I’m blessed because I have a great advisory board, whether it’s through email, blackberry IM, text, or via the phone, there is always a listening ear!

To my advisory board, (you all know who you are) thank you for investing in my marriage and loving my family enough to want to see us through our trials!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is There Anything Wrong With Internet Dating?



Kil’s 2 Cents

Me personally, I don’t find anything wrong with internet dating because I’ve heard some great success stories and some real horrible stories. So, it sounds just like regular dating. I personally just don’t get it. I’m old school, I wanna see someone, try to talk to them (or they try to kick it to me) and it moves on from there. But I’m really not an internet dude in the first place. Prior to the MOP situation, I only used the net for email and downloading music. Never was on Black Planet or Black People meet Black People, or whatever those sites are called. Like I said it’s not my steez. But hey, it works for some folk. I just don’t get how people fall in love via facebook, twitter, etc and you’ve never even met the person! I’m just saying, even if you meet the person on line, can you at least finally meet them in person SOMEDAY! But just having a relationship strictly online…I don’t get it. But remember…I’m old school.



Roz’s 2 Cents
Match.Com, EHarmony, BlackPlanet, or JDATE they are all the same, an avenue to provide you with hope to meet someone special! There is absolutely nothing wrong with online dating as long as the two adults involved are responsible! The problems come into play when people begin to trust and quickly fall in love with someone they have never met all because you have great chemistry over the phone or through text and email. I always like to caution females, especially to be careful and to do their due diligence before they began to quickly trust any potential partner whether it is online or in a club. Do your research! Nowadays you can google a person or check other online programs to see if the individual is legit. Ladies, you can also check www.dontdatehimgirl.com to see if someone has posted a profile about your soon to be suitor. Please note that many people lie in their profiles so before you start sending your most provocative pictures to someone you met online, be sure that this is truly the person you think you are sending your pictures to! Remember that once you send those pictures out, you can’t control what happens to them after that. If you live in a state like North Carolina, you might want to check to make sure that your suitor is not married or you might find yourself with an alienation of affection lawsuit from his wife! Be smart when dating online and try not to reveal so much of your information upfront. Make sure this person can be trusted with your personal information before you start giving them the details of your life, you never know how someone may use this information against you! Be sure to be completely honest about what you want in a relationship and ask the right questions to make sure that any potential partner wants the same things that you want!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Return On Your Investments

"
Big J...one of my marriage mentors!
You will get return in your investment, if attention you pay..." - Jay Z

I've been to my fair share of weddings throughout the past 10 years. Some are still around and some have an ended but one thing that I've heard at many of these weddings is the pastor telling the audience that he's charging them with "investing" in this marriage to help it last. But I don't think a lot people realize that a marriage is sometimes another entity from the two people that are in the marriage. The marriage is like a child. And the same way you've heard the saying that it takes a village to raise a child, likewise sometimes it takes a village to keep a marriage together. But in order to do that, the married couple have to have that "village".

I remember one time when I was a teenager and I was driving my uncle's car (I usually was always seen driving my mom's car) and when I pulled up on my block before I could even get out the car my neighbor Mr. Bey from across the street was already at the car door window giving me the 3rd degree! "Who's car is this? Where did you get it from? Does your mom know you're driving this car?" And best believe if I didn't show him the registration that it was my uncles car, I would've been in a world of trouble. The moral is that their were certain people on my block growing up that not only had my mother given them permission to check me and make sure I was doing right but those people genuinely wanted to see me succeed and not go down the wrong path. And as married couples we need the same thing. We need friends who just don't tell us what we want to hear but what we need to hear. And friends who aren't just looking out for the best interest of the person but the best interest of the marriage. If you come through here often, you'll hear me talk repeatedly about accountability couples and and mentors and how important they are to a marriage reaching it's full potential. And the same way you're not gonna give the crack head down the block permission to check your child, don't have your homegirl who can't keep a man to save her life being your primary confidant. And likewise for a dude, your homeboy who has 4 different girlfriends AND he's married may not be the best source of advice for the future of your marriage. You have to know where to go to get good advice, not just advice. And it's not a slight on that friend, it just means you don't go to them for relationship advice unless they're telling you what not to do. If your best friend just filed bankruptcy, you may not wanna put your families financial future in his hands ya mean?

And as married couples, we have to be willing to open up to our "village" and tell the whole truth, not just our side of the truth. Because what we tell them leads to the advice they give us in return. I've heard many convos where the person just makes their spouse sound crazy and act like they're completely innocent in everything going on which is the furthest thing from the truth. There are way too many marriages failing and families being torn apart and I truly believe that if we had more investors that many of those marriages might have succeeding. So if you have friends that are married ask them this week "how can I invest in your marriage?" They may need a baby sitter so they can have a night out or with everything going on with the economy, a couple going through tough financial times might be able to use a gift card to Fridays or to a movie so they can have a date night. But I can't stress enough the importance about the "village" that marriages need to help them succeed.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Do We Really Forgive?

Dr. Roz's View
 I think Kil’s piece is very honest in terms of forgiveness. When we are betrayed by those that have promised to protect us, it is very hard to regain that trust that was lost during the betrayal. Often times, I do believe that we do not communicate appropriately how something has affected us and many times we just move on from the situation without addressing it! Who are we kidding? Forgiveness is hard and it takes more courage to forgive a person than to hold a grudge against someone. Often times we think that forgiveness is about the other person, but forgiveness really is for you! It is not an easy thing to do, but it is necessary for you to be able to move on with your life and past the pain that the betrayal has caused.

We have to learn to take on the betrayal head on! Ask why it has affected us so much, what role did we play in it, and try to understand why the other person would behave in such a manner. Understanding someone’s actions makes forgiveness that much easier. I’m not saying give people a pass for their behaviors, but I am encouraging you to try to understand their behaviors to assess what it is that has attracted you to this person in the first place. We have all heard the saying that hurt people, hurt people, and sometimes when people hurt us, it may be an opportunity to look at your own pain and how you may have hurt someone! No one is such a saint that we will never hurt someone else, but the same way that you want to be forgiven, we have to be courageous enough to afford that right to other people as well. It’s the golden rule!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is A Man Suppose to Lead the Relationship?

                                                                 Kil's View

A friend advised me that God made it so men would lead the relationship and that woman should sit back and be courted. Do you agree with that assessment? What happened to "teaching" a man or letting him know what you need in a marriage or relationship?

Ephesians 5:23 says "For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior". You said in your question that God made it so that men would lead the relationship and I don't belive that's what God says. He wants the husband to lead the wife and his family, not the boyfriend to lead the girlfriend. And even with that scripture I don't believe that God wants the husband to the do whatever he wants in the marriage. The husband is suppose lean on God for knowledge and wisdom and then lead his family. So there is no problem with a wife telling her husband what she needs or wants out of her marriage. Now a woman should be courted by a man but that doesn't mean sit back and do whatever the man who's courting her says. Truth be told, a woman's voice is the 2nd most important voice a husband should hear next to God's.

                                                                Dr. Roz's View

I completely agree with Kil! The whole idea of a woman being submissive to her husband is based on whether the husband is submissive to God First! If he is not submissive to God and receiving guidance from God, then you should have some qualms about him being the head of your household! Who's leading him, what doctrine is he following? If he is functioning on his own accord, then the relationship is bound to suffer. The man should court you, a man that findeth a wife finds a good thing! As women, we should not be running after men, even though we all have probably done it at some point in our lives, I'm guilty of it myself, but it's a great feeling knowing that this man wants to be in your presence so much that he is willing to court you! The problem is, we stopped teaching this to our men  and we stopped teaching women how to allow a man to court her.

 I would caution women in trying to teach a man something, you can let him know what you need in the relationship, but that's very different than trying to teach him something. Most men will take that as you are trying to change him. However, letting him know your needs is very different from teaching! Stating that you are teaching him something denotes his incompetency in the relationship and ladies you know we have to build our men up! Great question! Thank you for asking!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Ain't Asking For Forgiveness For My Sins"


Still Reppin' the Phillies!!!!!!!

"Ain't asking for forgiveness for my sins..." - Jay Z

I wonder, how many of us are asking for forgiveness from our sins? Not only asking for forgiveness from God for things we've done but asking for forgiveness from our spouses if we've wronged them. Roz and I decided to focus on forgiveness this week because of a discussion we had with one of her classes last week. From that discussion I think all of us who were present realized that people have A LOT of different definitions for what they think forgiveness is. Webster defines forgiveness as "to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt." Did ya'll get that? "To grant free pardon" and "to give up all claim of an offense or debt". So basically, forgiveness is to wipe the slate clean like it never even happened. So, that means once we have truly forgiven someone, we shouldn't be bringing up what they did 5 days, 5 months or 5 years later. And that's not what a lot of us do when we say we "forgive" someone.

From what I've heard, a lot of people's definition of forgiveness looks more like "I'll forgive you, but I won't forget." Which isn't forgiveness. So why is it so hard for us to forgive? I think a big reason why people don't know how to forgive is because we don't know how to deal with the hurt that person inflicted on us. I personally think it's very hard to be able to truly grasp the concept of forgiveness if you don't have a relationship with God. Before I became a believer, there were times that I thought I forgave people but when I look back at it, I realized that I really hadn't forgiven them. Yeah, I might kick it with them from time to time and on the surface I thought I wasn't mad at them anymore but deep down inside, there was resentment that had been building up. I've learned that without true forgiveness, I'm hurting myself by keeping all of this negative energy inside me. In the past I've made a lot of bad decisions and treated people who had wronged me, messed up on some "ya'll deserve it" and now when I look back at it, me trying to get them back was just as wrong as what they did to me. Since I've matured more in Christ, I think I have a better understanding of forgiveness but I'm still growing. And think of it like this, we're all going to have to learn how to forgive because one of the many things that's guaranteed in marriage, is that our spouse WILL do something to us that they will need to be forgiven for. And we'll do something to them as well, and we'll need to ask for forgiveness and it's going to be hard to ask for forgiveness when we truly don't understand it ourselves. And on that note, let me leave you with somethings God has to say about forgiveness:
  • We forgive because we have been forgiven by God (Ephesians 4:32)

  • We forgive in obedience to God (Matthew 6:14-15; Romans 12:18)

  • We forgive others to gain control of our lives from hurt emotions (Genesis 4:1-8)

  • We forgive so we won't become bitter and defile those around us (Hebrew 12:14-15)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How to Meet the Top Five Needs of a Man!


Dr. Roz's Perspective
Kil is telling the truth, we do argue about just about everything especially when it comes to how men and women feel about sex! So I am not surprised that his number one need for men, would be sex of course! lol However, ladies we do have to stop rationing out sex, if that is your mode of operation! Kil makes a great point in stating that we send our sexless husbands out into the world to women that are willing to do everything that we aren’t. Sex is suppose to be a beautiful act between two people that love each other, but once we allow our resentment for our spouse to come into play with our sex life that’s when the problems begin. So ladies if our men need sex, they oughta get it from us and not the jump off down the street!

Kil reports that a man’s second need is Peace! I can certainly understand this because I don’t want to be arguing and beefing all the time as well. So ladies, I guess we have to learn how to fight our battles! If we do have an issue with our spouse maybe we should look at our role in the situation as well and figure out a way that we can respond better. I know easier said than done, but if everyone in the relationship is evaluating their behaviors in the relationship, then maybe we can decrease some of the arguments we have in our home and create some peace and happiness in our homes!

Support is the third need reported! I can certainly agree with this as participants in a relationship, support should be a main priority! I don’t know any relationship that has lasted without genuine support from each other. I know sometimes it’s hard to support a crazy idea, trust me I know. My husband watched an animal show and then told me he wanted to raise lion cubs. So I looked at him waiting for him to say, I’m just kidding, (which never happened), but I do know that my husband is passionate about animals so if he wants to raise lion cubs, they just can’t be raised in our backyard! Lol So ladies, if support is what our men need, let’s make sure we are building them up to be the best head of household for our families!

Friendship was stated as the fourth need and I actually think that this is a great idea. I think we see our husbands as someone that we have a romantic relationship with, not realizing that the friendship is what keeps us wanting to be romantically linked to them. In the beginning we get together because we like certain aspects about each other and as the relationship progresses and life comes into play, those aspects are put on the back burner and we think that love alone will keep the relationship going! So ladies I challenge you to try to develop an interest in something that your husband likes and hopefully he will do the same for you!

Last but not least, Trust! I have to agree with Kil believe it or not, but we can’t keep accusing our spouses of stuff that people in our past have done to us! It’s very easy to do when we are triggered from trauma of our past, but we have to be able to move past that and trust ourselves as well, that our mates are a result of a decision that we have made and prayerfully we made a good decision. Ladies if we put the shoe on the other foot, we would hate it if we were being questioned about everything or caught him snooping through our emails, facebook, and phone. So let’s trust our decisions and our mates and pray that God is directing and guiding our relationship!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Why Are There So Many Jump Offs?!?!?!?


Kil's Perspective


Why are there so many jump offs nowadays? Come on ya'll...ask me something hard...that's an easy one!

1. Women just don't care anymore! Truth be told I don't know if women ever cared but in 2010 they REALLY don't care. The fact is there are more women then men so, that means some of these women aren't going to get a man and are gonna be single and I don't know ANY women who want to be single. Now I KNOW women say they're fine with being single and I'm sure some of them actually mean that but I believe it's human nature to want to be with someone and have a mate. And if they find someone they like and they're married? Who cares! That's a small problem that can be solved by simply doing everything he complains his wife doesn't do. I always joke with my homegirls that ya'll (women) need to do a million woman march or something and get women to start caring about this small little convenant called marriage.

2. Wives aren't handling their business! Let me ask a quick question to women, if you see on your local news that there has been a rash of B&E's (breaking and entering) in your neighborhood, what would you do? You would do everything to make sure your home was safe. You'd make sure your home alarm was always set, you'd double check to make sure all of the windows and doors were locked. The moral of the story is you'd protect your home. Well, women guess what? There's a rash of B&E's going in your neighborhood! Women are stealing YOUR husbands! Man up and protect your home! Have GOOD sex life with your husband! Be a friend to your husband! Be a wife to your husband! I'm sure most women haven't seen this Under Armour commercial where a football team is getting hype saying "we must protect this house" but until ya'll have this million woman march, housewives around America need to have a "I will protect this house" rally!

Roz's Perspective

Ladies, I love you, trust me I do, but I have to be honest about this jump off situation! Sometimes your actions keep you as a jump off! Yes there is a double standard in sex and men can sleep with the world and its ok (really it’s not ok), but for us it’s not! Stop giving away so freely what God has designed to be a gift to your mate! When you sleep with that brother on the first, second, or third date, you don’t know him! You have to start respecting yourself so that in turn, they will respect you! I’ve heard plenty of men state, that if she will sleep with me without knowing me, she will do it with another dude and immediately, you get placed in the jump off category. You may be called for a good time in private, but you will never be the girl that gets to enjoy the totality of a relationship, such as meeting the most important people in his life or making steps towards sharing a life together.

Hear me when I say this ladies and trust me I am saying it out of love: “Just Because He Likes What You Do for Him, Does Not Mean He Likes YOU!”

So often we think if we continue to be ride or die for a brother that eventually he will fall for us, but the truth of the matter boils down to this, if a person doesn’t like you, no matter what you do for them, will not change how they feel about you!

If you are the jump off, then let’s discuss a couple of things, 9 times out of 10, he is not leaving the wife! I don’t care how great your bedroom skills are, when he weighs having to pay alimony and child support and then trying to support another relationship, it’s enough to make a brother pause! Let me break it down for you, say he brings in 4500.00 a month, after paying 2800.00 in child support and alimony, that leaves him with 1700.00. He still has to pay for the new place that he now has or he may move in with you, plus food, utilities, and for transportation. At the end of the month, the brother may be left with 2.00 to his name. Trust me, when he has to change his lifestyle because of a jump off, his family appears to be more attractive. He may lead you on and tell you what you want to hear, but trust me if his actions do not line up with his words, then it’s just all talk!

Women see married men and they like the idea that he can make a commitment, not really thinking about that he is committed to someone else. So you do everything that you can do to find out what the wife isn’t doing and you make sure you meet those needs to prove to him that you are better than his wife. Then if you succeed in breaking up his marriage and you two begin to have a public relationship, then you constantly have to worry about whether he is secretly seeing someone else behind your back! Truthfully, it’s not worth the risk of your life (with HIV running rapid), your emotional stability, and oh yeah, now that he has to pay support to his ex wife and children, your finances are effected as well!

So ladies, let’s start making better choices in how we conduct ourselves in relationships and not be so willing to break up another family because we think that we deserve that man more than his current family. If you don’t play the jump off role, then share this message with someone that does! Please don’t think that I am excusing the brothers from this behavior, but they can’t participate in adultery without a willing party, so you are just as guilty. Heavens forbid if you get pregnant in the process! I have provided therapy to way too many individuals that were born out of an affair, or kept a secret because of an affair. It’s not fair to the child and they suffer far more consequences than you can ever imagine, not to mention his children that will be effected by the divorce! If nothing else, please understand that your decisions effect more than you! Don’t let your selfishness be the cause of breaking up families!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dr. Roz & Kil: Fellas...It's Game Time!!!!!


Go Eagles!!!!!!
Aiight...just a little background on me and Roz that a lot of people don't know....we fight like cats and dogs! Lol...we'll be in the middle of doing a lecteur and Roz will say something and I'm like "what did you just say?" Lol! And she does the exact same to me but it's all good. That's why we're a great team because we're TOTALLY different. But I swear we agreed we'd do the top 5 needs of men and women but after going through Roz's list, I count about 10 things! Leave it to a woman to sneak it an extra 5! Lol! But all jokes aside my article this week is for the fellas and for us to figure out a way to meet a woman's top 5 (I meant 10...lol) needs.

So let's start with the first one, which is making your wife feel desired. I think a lot of times we may not tell our wives how beautiful they look or that we like their hair or their new perfume, but we gotta step up and make sure our wives feel like they're the most important chick in our lives! And on the romance front there are SO many things we can do. We can always surprise our wives with their favorite flowers, send them a card to their job or leave one on the seat of her car, or just give them a foot massage if they've had a hard day. But things like romance really comes down to what your wife likes, so fellas you gotta pay attention to your wife's needs cause I can sit here all day and spew off what Tee likes but that could be the total opposite of what your wife wants. But the moral? We gotta make our wives feel wanted, needed and desired by us.

Next up is communication. I learned in college in this class I was taking that a woman has about 1,500 words to use per day and men only have 500. So by the time we get home from work, we've already used our 500 words, but our wives still have 1,000 left! So to keep up with our wives we're always gonna be behind but that's just part of the game. One of my homegirls once told me to pick out 3 things out of my day and to talk with Tee about them when I get home so that I'm sharing with her. I know most of us men really aren't into talking unless it's something we care about (hip hop, bball, books, records, sneakers for me) but we have to begin to care about the things our wives care about (as hard as that is...lol) so we can have more convos with our wives.

Now onto the next one which is sex...this is one of the many places Roz and I disagree about women wanting sex as much as men. The reason I disagree is because if women want it as much as we do...why does sex always seem to be a problem in marriages? But neither here nor there, according to Roz if we handle the whole desire, romance and communication piece we should be good to go with getting some. But remember we shouldn't be focusing on our wives needs in return for sex because if we do all that stuff and we still don't get any, we'll be looking straight like "I listened to 2 hours of your co-workers problems and I didn't get any? That's the last time I do that!" Both men and women have to focus on meeting our spouse's needs because it's the right thing to do, not so that we can get something in return. Remember we're talking about love here, not the barter system!

Aiight, what's next? Security and providing for our family. I get this and agree with it 100%. We have to make sure that we're making sure our family is safe and secure. I can't think of anything more important than making sure that Tee and Naomi are safe and provided for. Most folk know I got laid off back in July but I make sure Tee knows that not a day goes by that I'm not hustling to make something happen. Whether it's through my music, my writing, this marriage work Roz and I are doing to just trying to find out what God has for me next to just finding a new job. I HAVE to make sure Tee knows that her and Naomi won't EVER have to worry about me being some lazy dude who wants to be taken care of. So I can mos def relate to what Roz is saying. So if you are that dude, who wants his wife taking care of him while you play Madden '11 24/7...come on fam...it's time to man up and be the head of the household God called us all to be.

And last but not least, we got commitment, honesty, love and support. So basically in a nutshell we need to be committed and faithful which I don't think is a tall order. I mean, why are we in a relationship or married if we wanna still be out in the streets messing with side jawns? A huge piece of commitment deals with communication in my opinion and that communication deals with the honesty piece. If you're not happy in your marriage you have to tell your wife about what the beef is and give her a chance to help fix what's wrong. A wise man once told me that if your spouse tells you they're not happy, what they're really telling you is "I'm giving you first dibs on making me happy" but that no one is gonna go through their life unhappy. So men, if you're not happy and thinking about dippin out on your wife, share with her that you're not happy and figure out a way for both of ya'll to fix things so you don't have to get with another shorty and tear your fam apart.

The love and support stuff is what we should be giving our wives but if we're falling short, let's step up front fellas and make sure our wives don't have to doubt or wonder if we love them. To make sure we're doing our jobs, we need to sit down and ask our wives how we can show them the love and support that they need. Too many of us leave that "love and support" piece to chance because WE think we're doing what our wives want and need but we gotta make sure they're satisfied with the job we're doing.

Wow...that was a lot but our wives need a lot and we gotta step up to the plate and make sure we're providing our wives with a lot! So fellas, let's figure out what we're gonna do this week to show our wives some love in the areas that we covered today (too many to mention...lol) and not just to do it this week but how we can do it and keep doing on a consistent basis. Like my dude Lil Fame from MOP would say "it's game time"!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Top 5 Things a Woman Needs in her Marriage or Relationship




Women aren’t that hard to figure out if you invest inthe time to understand your mate, but for some peoplethis seems like an impossible feat! So for all of you men out there that can’t seem to figure your wife or significant other out, let me help you out a bit.

Your wife needs to feel desired by you! She needs to know that she is the apple of your eye and that she is enough for you! You have to continuously reassure her of how you feel about her. Please don’t forget about the romance. Often times we get so comfortable in our relationships that we stop doing those romantic things that we were doing in the beginning to impress our spouse. You have chosen this person for the rest of your life, why not continue to keep wanting to give them your best.
Brothers, you have to communicate with your wife. Talking creates intimacy for us! It is how we connect emotionally with you. Women always want to talk because it is a turn on to know that you can have a non forced conversation with your spouse, it’s not because we want to get on your nerves. As mentioned before, “nagging” occurs as an attempt to try to balance the relationship, to connect with you, and to see if you are willing to meet whatever that need is that we may have. Brothers, talk to your wife or significant other, actually care about her day! The more in tune you are with your significant other the more you will get your needs met!
Surprise, surprise, women want sex too, in fact we think about it probably as much as men do! If your wife is not having sex with you regularly, it’s not that she doesn’t want to have sex, she just does not want to have sex with you! If you are making your wife feel as if you desire her and you are creating intimacy with her with communication, you can get your sexual needs met as well! FYI, as women we have to take care of so much! We are mothers, professionals, and caretakers just to name a few, every once and awhile, we want for the man to take full control in the bedroom! It’s every girl’s fantasy to be ravaged and to feel so desired like our mates absolutely has to be with us! You know, like the first time you were intimate with your spouse, you were trying to impress and you really did want to ravage their bodies because it was a new experience for you both! Brothers, if the first was a good experience, then we expect that out of you at all times! You give us your best, we will give you our best!
Brothers, we have to be secure in knowing that you can protect us and provide for us! We understand that people get down on their luck, but if we are out working and you are home playing video games without any attempt to try to provide for your family, then that’s a problem! Security is super important to us. You should never create a doubt in us that you can’t protect us! You have to understand that we leave our father’s house of protection (those of us fortunate enough to have our father’s in the home), into yours! Once you make that vow to protect us, that is what we expect from you! While it may seem like a burden to you, it’s a blessing in having the ability to protect and provide for your wife and your family. You should be your wife’s hero, because trust me, if you don’t there is someone else that will!
Last but not least, we desire commitment, honesty, love, and support! This should be a no brainer, but if you didn’t know then now you are informed. I know as women we may change our minds about things constantly and I know that this may drive you guys insane, but there is nothing greater than a man supporting his wife’s endeavors ( if it is reasonable) regardless if whatever it is fails or succeed! Trust me, you do not want to cause an issue where resentment can take place because someone feels as if they are unsupported in the relationship. Commitment, honesty and love should not have to be explained you would think, but everyone has a different definition of what those three things mean and it’s important to discuss these things with your spouse and come up with a compromise of what it means for your relationship together. So brothers this is just an outline on how to get started to get the best our of your relationship, but you have to do the work with your spouse to know exactly what her needs may be and work at trying to meet those needs and hopefully she is working to meet your needs as well!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's Our Anniversary!!!!!!!


Had to take a minute and celebrate with ya'll! Today is me and Tee's 10th year anniversary! Everytime I tell someone I've been married 10 years they're like "I can't believe it" and I'm like "you can't belive, I can't believe it!" It's been a journey, and many times it hasn't been easy but at the end of the day, it's ALL been worth it! So to my beautiful, wonderful and supportive wife, I love you with all my heart and good looking for riding with me through the good and the bad!

Also, Roz and I would like to offer an invitation to everybody who rolls with us to share with us your anniversary so we can highlight them. Email us at tildeathinfo@gmail.com the date of your anniversary, as much as you would like to share about your family (how and where ya'll met, how he proposed, etc.) and a flick of your family and we'll post it on your anniversary to shout you out. We all know marriages are struggling and the divorce rate is crazy which is why we have to highlight marriages that are making it happen. So, we don't care if you've been together 1 year or 50 we wanna highlight that you and your spouse are holding it down and celebrate with you!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Top 5 Needs of A Man...I'll Even Throw In A 6th for Free!

Go Eagles!!!!!!!!!!
#1 Sex: Did ya'll think it was gonna be something different? Men LOVE, NEED and WANT sex. What baffles me is like Chris Rock said in "I Think I Love My Wife" how wives send their sexless husbands into a world full of women that are willing to do EVERYTHING a wife isn't but yet expect to him to be faithful and for you two to have a happy, healthy marriage. That's like not showing up to work for two weeks, but still expecting a pay check! That's literally how crazy sending an unsexed husband into the world and expecting a happy marriage in the end is. Come on wives, start earning that paycheck!

#2 Peace: Proverbs 21:19 says "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman". Let's define contentious so that we're all on the same page. Contentious means causing or likely to cause an argument or controversy: involved in a heated argument. So basically what Solomon is telling us is that it's better to be homeless then to have a wife that's always beefing about something! Homeless! It's better to live in an alley then with a chick who's always beefin! Wow! Are you that chick? The problem is, if you are that chick, nowadays your husband probably isn't homeless, because another woman will GLADLY give him a home where there is peace and quiet. Why not fall back and stop being contentious and start being loving? What a lot of women don't understand is that if your husband is happy and at peace, that happiness and peace he has will be seen throughout your entire family.

#3 Support: Everyman wants a wife who has his back. Someone who supports his dreams. Someone to rub his back when he's down. Someone to be his biggest cheerleader when he succeeds and help pick him up when he fails. And someone who shows she cares and want to help her man, anyway (not just the things she's willing to do, but ANYWAY) she can.

#4 Friendship: Husbands and wives are suppose to be best friends, but let's be real...how many actually are? If you look at who is your best friend, you two probably have a lot in common. When I look at my closest friends we all love sports and music among other things but those two things really are where and how we bond. But if you took those two things away we may still be friends but we wouldn't have that much to talk about. I've found that a lot of married couples really don't have that much in common hence why many married couples don't have a lot to talk about. So, to have that friendship with your husbands, wives you need to take an interest in what they like. If your husband likes football, watch football with him. I've heard of wives who don't care about football at all with their husbands but as soon as their sons start playing football, now all of a sudden she wants to know why teams punt on 4th downs...really? So, learn about football cause your son plays but ignore the game your husband has loved since you met him but you want a happy marriage? Right, right...

#5 Proverbs 31:10 Woman: Don't know what I'm talking about? Break out your Bible and read Proverbs 31:10 and get to work!

Honorable Mention Jawn:
#6 Trust: Men who have not cheated...want to be trusted. In my opinion there are too many good men out there who's wives don't trust them for a million reasons that have nothing to do with them! It may be because your ex cheated on you, or cause your friend's husband is cheating and he's friends with your husband, so then birds of a feather flock together, or because you as a wife ain't handling YOUR business so now you're paranoid. But if your man hasn't done anything to make you not trust him...FALL BACK and let your man breath!