How Do I Get My Husband To Stop Being Selfish With Sex?

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice on how a wife can get her husband to stop being selfish in the bedroom.

Should A Married Couple Attend Different Churches?

Dr. Roz and Kil break down should a married couple attend different churches.

My Husband Is Addicted To Drugs!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband is addicted to drugs.

My Husband NEVER Sacrifices For Me!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband doesn't sacrifice for her.

How Do I Tell My Family I'm Marrying Outside My Race?

Dr. Roz and Kil answer a question about marrying outside your race.

Marriage Exposed is the website that talks about what marriage REALLY It's some of the best work you can sign up for but nevertheless, it's work.

Have you ever wondered what you'd get if you took a clinical psychologist and a hip hop producer and gave them a blog that dealt with marriage, relationships and everything in between? Probably not...BUT if you did, then you'd have Marriage Exposed! With a mixture of therapeutical strategies, biblical principals, practicality and laughter, Dr. Roz and Kil not only coach couples through the "hard times" of their relationships but they continue to impart wisdom, after their storms have passed. Send us your questions or comments and join the conversation!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: My Life Is Based On Sacrifices

"My life is based on sacrifices..." - Jay Z

This weekend my wife Tanya told me she was taking Naomi to downtown Silver Spring to help support one of her homegirls who was selling jewelry which was great for me cause I can ALWAYS use a break from a 4 year old! They left around 11am and after a wonderful quiet day of playing PS3, making beats and watching some of Season 4 of the Wire...I looked up and saw that it was 7pm! I called Tee to make sure they were alright because if I'm out with Naomi for over 4 hours I start seeing double! And she said they were fine and that she was giving me a break from Naomi. Now, my first thought was "what did you do" or "what do you want", but then it hit me that my wife was just being selfless.

My homegirl once called me selfish and I couldn't believe it! I've known shorty for over 20 years and she knows more then anyone that I would give her or anyone on my team my absolute last! So I felt some kinda way about her calling me selfish. But then she broke it down to me that I'm not selfish with my money or possessions but that I'm selfish with my time. And after really thinking about it, she was absolutely right! When I wanna make beats, I wanna make beats. When I wanna play NBA live for 3 hours straight, I wanna play NBA live for 3 hours straight, and a lot of times I'm not mindful that at times I'm not putting my wife's needs above mine.

We have to realize that once we become Christians, we are called to be servants. The reason I'm writing that is because I always say this and hear it all the time, that marriage is so hard but truth be told being a Christian by itself is hard! So, once we decide to give our life to Christ, we should begin to shed the selfishness that we ALL have and begin to serve others. So, it should be a no brainer that once we get married we're still called to be servants! I remember before I got saved, I was asking one of my peoples if he was buying the new NBA live game that just dropped and he said he had to make sure that his wife and his daughter had everything they needed and if they did, then he would buy the game because his needs come last. And I thought to myself, "You work hard everyday and you can't buy a video game AND you come last?!?! That sucks!" But now I understand EVERYTHING he was talking about perfectly!

Thanks to my homegirl's 2 cents I see that I have to be more mindful of my time and being selfish towards my wife. I think when we hear the word selfish we automatically think money and nothing else but selfishness covers a wide range of things. I had to sit back and check myself and see was I putting my needs first or last. And that's what many marriages need to do, because I truly believe that if both people are putting their own needs before their spouse's needs that the marriage is not going to be able to grow the way God intended it to. And I don't know about you but I want my marriage and my family to be everything that God wants it to be. I believe marriage should be about putting my wife's needs first and her doing the same for me. That way we depend on each other to get our individual needs met. But what I believe usually happens is each spouse is putting their own needs first and no one is caring about the other person's needs. Which eventually leads to both people thinking "ummm, why do I need you again?"

Jay told ya'll on "Politics As Usual" that his life is based on sacrifices and that's what our marriage should be based on...our sacrifices for each other. We'll brag to anyone who will listen about all the sacrifices we make for our kids ("I sold my car to be able to put 'lil Malik in that private school" or "I gave up my dream of being an astronaut to be a stay at home mother") and we do it without even thinking about it. And on top of that we don't resent our kids for our sacrifices! Too many times I hear, "I put my dreams on hold for my marriage but now I resent my spouse for it." We don't resent our kids for our sacrifices so why do we resent our spouses? Let's start bragging about how we sacrifice for our spouses and brag about how we put our dreams on hold for our marriages. So, my challenge for the week ya'll is let's (myself included) figure out what we can do for our spouse to show some selflessness.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Renegotiating in your Relationship!

Female Fridays
Aw, the infamous renegotiation! Depending on the situation, this one word can make a wreck out of your relationship! When we first meet our significant other, we become all excited because we appear to want the same thing out of relationships! That’s where the problem begins! Most people will introduce you to their representative that will agree with whatever to appear that they are compatible with you. We then accept the facade and are confused when the relationship progresses and you find out you have absolutely nothing in common and even worse than that some of your ideas and values of life may not line up with each other as well!

Now don’t get me wrong, it is okay to change your mind about a situation, but you can’t do that without consulting with your significant other! We forget that our decisions no longer affect just us, but it effects every member of your nuclear family! As a result, we have to assess the best options for our families’ needs and develop a healthy compromise.

As women, this renegotiation ordeal becomes a bit more complicated as biblically we are instructed to play the submissive role. Now depending on how this may be interpreted in the relationship, some women may feel as if they have no say in the matter, while others have mastered planting the idea in their spouse’s head to where he may feel like he came up with the thought himself! (Don’t worry ladies, I will guard this secret, lol). Now, one of the primary needs for women in relationships is stability and security, so we love when our mate appropriately displays the role of the head of the household! However at times it becomes confusing when a major life decision has to be discussed because we then have to decipher “just how submissive” are we really suppose to be!

Before we were married or became involved in a serious relationship, we probably never paid too much attention to our independent decision making process because we only had to think about one person! Throw a relationship into the mix and now we have to consider the benefits to this other person, while praying that you can fully trust the decisions that your mate makes for the family as the head of your household!

Renegotiating the terms of your marriage is no easy feat, but as your relationship progresses, hopefully so will you. Who you were at 25 should look completely different at 35! Now that’s my personal opinion, but could probably pass as a professional opinion. We should all hope to grow and become the best that we can be and that’s no different in how we should see our relationships as well. When it comes to renegotiating an aspect of your marriage, it should be inclusive of your spouse and all options and consequences must be assessed before the final decision is made. It’s not an I win, you lose situation, but more so how does this decision best benefits the family and are the risk greater than the outcome. So family when it’s time to renegotiate consider your spouse’s benefits in the decision so that you can escape good old resentment down the line!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is Love Enough to Sustain your Relationship?

Dr. Roz's Perspective

Is Love enough to Sustain a Marriage

Love? I mean really what does Love have to do with it as Tina Turner so eloquently belted out this song? If you ask most of Society, you probably will hear that it has a lot to do with everything! I admit Love has to be in place to progress a relationship, but I think we rely too much on Love to determine whether our relationship is successful or not. The truth is, relationships take more than love to function effectively, please believe that love is not the only ingredient!

You need a bit of compassion, a whole lot of commitment, and the ability to love yourself as a whole person before you merge your life with someone else. Many of us enter in relationships not knowing how to love ourselves and then drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out how to love our mate! So the first thing that we have to do is to define Love for ourselves, apply whatever your definition is to your life and once you have figured out how to make love work in the relationship with yourself, you will then be able to figure out what love will look like in your relationship with your mate!

Now that your relationship has defined what love looks like for you all, you then have to compare it to God’s definition of how he perceived love to be in marriages and relationships. Yep, we like to think that we love our mates unconditionally, but let that joker get on your nerves one good time and you start looking for your next vacation without your mate ( just to get your mind right, you know), whether it’s mental or physical, you start looking for an escape ( it’s ok to honestly admit this to yourself)! We have all been there, that’s why separations and divorces are so prevalent! We function in our relationships based on our perception of how someone is suppose to love us and never had the conversation on how the two of you will love each other in the way that God has instructed us to love each other.

If we were loving our mates unconditionally, then compassion would easily be applied to our mate’s flaws, but because we get fed up, irritated and frustrated with whatever our situation is (present company included, hey I’m human, it happens) sometimes it’s hard to have compassion towards our mate. As a result, it opens the door to temptation or the option of separation and the whole commitment that was made in the beginning of the relationship is thrown out the window.

Personally, I think commitment is the holy grail of marriage! Commitment is hard because you have to participate even when you do not want to be the spouse that you so willingly said “I do” to on your wedding day. There are some days that we want to just check out because it was easier to take care of ourselves and only have to compromise with ourselves. But commitment is what keeps us coming home at night, ensuring that we do not go to bed mad at each other, striving to better our family, taking care of each other when sickness is an issue, or even bettering ourselves for the good of the relationship.

While Love may be at the root or foundation of our relationships, it’s essential to have so many other components to make a marriage or relationship work! So in my honest opinion, Love is not enough to sustain your marriage or relationships!

Kil's Perspective

Kil's Perspective
How important is love in a marriage? Let's important is gas in a car? It's VERY important! But I don't think love is the be all, end all. You can keep your gas tank on full but if you don't keep up with the schedule maintenance for the rest of the car you'll just end up with a car that doesn't work, but it's got gas!

Too many people today are sitting there in marriages that don't work, but are full of love because of the myth that love is all we need. Most people decide to get a divorce or seperate because "we're not in love anymore". Why do the bulk of people get married? Because they're in love. But there are SO many other aspects to a healthy and productive marriage and/or relationship. During Tanya and my pre marriage counseling our pastor asked us "what is the most important thing in a marriage?" And without even a sec going by, we both said "love"! And our pastor said "wrong"! (Just like Charlie Murphy talking about Rick James on the Chapelle show...aiight, not really like Charlie He explained to us that the most important thing in a marriage is commitment.
Just recently God put on my heart that's what's really missing in a lot of marriages isn't love, it's "like". Your spouse is suppose to be your best friend but how many of us treat our spouses like our best friend, or even a friend for that matter? Think about it, we protect our closest friends, we look out for our friends, we enjoy spending time with our friends, we look forward to spending time with our friends and I could go on and on about what we do for our best friends and how we treat them and a lot of people don't even treat their spouse like a long lost friend, let alone a best friend.

So, to answer the question, is love enough in your marriage...naw, it's not. In 2010 you need a whole lot more then love to keep your marriage together.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: No Renogotiation!

One of my fav lines from New Jack City is when Nino is telling Frankie "no renogotiation". I never knew why out of all the great quotes in the movie, that one stuck with me all of these years. But I'm realizing this quote is how many people feel in their marriages.

When we get married to someone, we want that person to stay the exact same way they were when we married them. We don't care how much time goes by or how many kids we have now or how our situation may have changed, we want and need you to stay the same. One of the things that I've realized about marriage is that it's a constant renogotiation. Nothing is going to stay the same and a lot of people have problems dealing with change in their own life, let alone someone else's life.

We have to realize that the more time we're blessed to be married to someone, the more our mates will change. It's simply a part of life. And all change doesn't have to be bad. Both people should want to grow but sometimes the more we grow individually, we end up growing apart as a couple and that's where the negotiating process comes into play.

Marriage is all about commitment. Committed to God, your spouse and your family and the same way we don't abandon our children because they're changing and growing (as frustrating as those changes can be) you shouldn't abandon your spouse. But people do that everyday with their marriages. We have to learn to communicate with our spouses about when and how you're growing and changing and how your spouse and marriage can continue to grow with you. But that can only happen if we're truly honest with ourselves and our spouse.

I've been asked "how do you negotiate in your marriage"? And the answer is simple, the same way you would negotiate a business deal, except with your marriage, you don't walk away from the negotiating table. You come with your concerns and requests (not your demands and ultimatums) and you and your spouse talk about how you two can continue to grow together. Not an easy task by any means, but then again, what in life is? So if you truly love God, your spouse and your family and you're truly committed to them, don't be on your Nino Brown jawn.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: A Woman's Perspective on Sex

Female Fridays!
 I think Kil has made some valid points in regards to sex and how it is the husband’s medicine, but please don’t be fooled to think that women do not think about sex just as much as their husbands! First you must understand what sex is for us! It is an emotional connection and not just a physical release! What other way can a woman be close to a man than physically having him inside of her? When you think about sex from the position of the woman she has to be in a space of physically being able to accept you and if you discount the emotionality that has to take place in order for that to happen, then you will find yourself in a sexless relationship!
 Brothers what you must understand is that sex for us is an emotional and spiritual process. When we are in labor and deliver our babies there is an emotional bonding that takes place instantly with mother and child due to a hormone called Oxytocin! Believe it or not that same hormone is released when we are in an orgasmic state. As much as we might want to fight being in an emotional tryst with a person, it’s a waste of time because that emotional bond has already formed!
            Now I know that our emotions are fickle and you don’t know what type of emotional state that you may be walking into during certain moments in a woman’s life, but if you heed my words you can get the sexual life that you desire. What we crave the most from our husbands is to know that you desire us. Yes you married us, you chose us, you proposed, you love us, but do you DESIRE us? We get having sex with you is one of our duties as a wife, but you have to make that duty appealing! We don’t just want to be with you because we fear the next woman will and when we don’t feel desired by you, we then begin to have sex out of obligation, which isn’t pleasurable for either one of us. That’s when the passion is lost or it’s easier to say I have headache! Again taking in the account of emotions, it’s very hard for a woman to just give herself to you if she doesn’t feel like you desire her.
 Please understand that once we become your wife, we want to give you the best sex of your life,  we love when you make us feel sexy and sensual, and we have sexual fantasies too, but we have to feel safe and secure in that vulnerable environment to show you that side of us!  How do you make us feel secure? I’m glad you asked! You have to be present in the moment with us and genuinely want to know what’s going on in our lives! We want to be sexually free with you, even the purest of the purest has the fantasy of being sexually overtaken by a man. Our intensity of passion will match yours if you make us feel safe enough to express that side of us.
 Our desire to be sexual is elicited by the connection in the relationship! If you don’t talk or connect with us, then we are less likely to want to have sex with you! We desire affection way before we lay down with you. The simple kiss, touching, communicating all leads to our arousal for sex or peaks our interest, if the quality of those intimate, but nonsexual contacts are inconsistent and undesirable, our interest in sex will be undesirable!
So now that you are armed with this knowledge, fellas, you have to tap into the emotional being of your spouse to have the fulfilling sexual life that you desire. Become present with her and let her know that you desire her! Genuinely communicate with her, touch her, caress her, and live life passionately with her! Brothers, are these requirements too hard for you? If you take sex out of the equation, would you still respond to your wife in this manner? We like to know that you are genuinely emotionally in tune with us and not because sex is the end result! So brothers I challenge you to become genuinely interested in your wife and everyday strive to make her feel like you desire her, you might just get more sex than you can handle! Good Luck!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What are the three Ingredients for a successful Marriage?

Photos by Tusamba Carter
Kil’s Three Ingredients to make a marriage work!

#1 God: Do I really need to say more? I believe everyone needs to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ in order to have a fruitful marriage as well as a fruitful life. I believe God is the 1st and last line of defense in a marriage and without that GOD, you leave a HUGE hole in your defense against Satan's attacks on your marriage. If you watch basketball, you always hear every year that defense wins championships. Most teams want a center that guards the point. Dwight Howard is a good example of this kind of player. So, if a player gets past the initial defender, and then gets past the helpside defender (another player coming over to help) he now has to get past Dwight Howard in the paint. (Which is not an easy feat).

I think a lot of times, when a temptation comes a man's way (usually another woman), he may think "I can't cheat on my wife because of my kids. If I get caught this would ruin my family." But then you rationalize it by saying "well, even if I get caught and we get a divorce, I'll still be in my kid's life". So satan has just gotten past your first line of defense, your kids/family. Then you may think, "I can't do this I love my wife too much". But truth be told, if the AVERAGE married man is thinking of cheating, him and his wife probably aren't in a good place, so the wife is probably the weakest line of defense you have. So satan has gotten past your 1st, and 2nd line of defense BUT if you're a believer satan has one more obstacle to get past, and that's God. And I'm not trying to imply that if you know God or are a Christian that your husband won't cheat. I just believe that with God, you have a better chance of protecting your marriage and family.

#2 Communication + Change: You'd be shocked at how many couples don't talk about their issues/problems/concerns in their marriage with their spouse. And it's hard for someone to change their behavior when they don't even know they're doing something wrong in the first place! Then there are couples who communicate their issues/problems/concerns with their spouse, but then that spouse does nothing to change his or her behavior. So, one spouse feels like "I communicated what I was feeling (and for some people that's a HUGE step) and my spouse didn't do anything to make things better." So, now that spouse figures, why communicate because nothing got better so now they shut down. This is one of the MANY reasons I feel like we should treat marriage like we do our occupation. If your supervisor tells you his or her concerns with you before you've left their office, you've already started to formulate a plan on how you can change some of the things your supervisor was complaining about. But why can't we do the same for our marriage?

#3 An Accountabilty Partner/Couple: When my wife & I were members of Mt. Pleasant Church in B'more, MD our men's ministry was called "Operation Timothy". The premise was that men would have accountabilty partners similar to how Barnabus was the old head, Paul was the middle dude and Timothy was the young cat and that each man could help each other. So it wouldn't just be the old head always schooling the young cat but there could be some things the young cat could school the old head on. And marriages need the same thing.

The problem is there aren't enough older or middle couples to mentor all these younger couples who are getting married everyday and most people don't want to be 100% honest about what they're dealing with individually and in their marriage with someone else. This is an issue we have to get past as a people. We think in marriages that we're the only couple in the world going through a particular issue when in reality we're just one of 100's dealing with the EXACT same issue! But until we learn to share with one another, it will just prolong the issues you and your spouse are going through. If someone has directions to get where you want to go, why wouldn't you accept the directions and just choose to continue to go in circles? I wouldn't be half of the husband I am with my mentor as well as some of my closest crew of men who I call "The God Squad". If you don't have an accountability couple, friend or crew, pray for one because it will definitely make you a better husband and wife and also strengthen your marriage.

Dr. Roz’s three ingredients to make a marriage work

1) I certainly agree with Kil that God or whoever your higher being is must be in the midst of your marriage. It’s almost like that saying “No God, No Peace, Know God, Know Peace”, as much as we want to run away from it, we know that there is truth in that statement! Also, become knowledgeable about what the word says about marriage and apply it to your life. It’s one thing to know it and another thing to implement. Not that it’s easy, but we have already been giving instructions, why keep spinning your wheels making up your own rules! Pretty soon someone is going to get tired and will bow out gracefully, whether it’s physically or emotionally, someone will need a break in an out of control situation!

2) Emotional maturity- So many couples end up in divorce court because they allow their inability or stubbornness of truly expressing their emotions get in the way. If you are hurt say you are hurt, if you are mad say you are mad! We have to stop holding on to that emotion, as it will interfere with some part of your life, whether it’s work, your relationship, school, or play, EMOTIONS are meant to be expressed, so let it out ( in an appropriate manner)! Holding on to emotions leads to resentment, which in turn leads to two bitter people. In the end, is it worth it? As a partner in the relationship, you must validate your spouse’s emotions regardless if you feel they play the victim role or not. The truth is, if you aren’t validating their emotions, there is someone else who will! We all know that emotions are uncomfortable, but that is a part of the vulnerability that creates intimacy in a relationship! You start ignoring your spouse’s emotions, pretty soon they will become emotionally detached from you! Emotions do not leave people, we may suppress them, but they are still there, so deal with it in the moment to decrease not meeting each other’s emotional needs. And brothers, you are just as emotional, you may express it physically, but that is still an emotion! Bottom line, become aware of what you are feeling and create a comfortable space where you and your partner can discuss those emotions and validate each other!

3) Understanding each other’s differences! Just because we do things differently does not mean that there is a right or wrong, it just means that there is a difference. So many times you hear, he or she did not love me the way that I needed them to! Here is the thing, if you didn’t express it , you can’t expect for someone to read your mind! We have to be more open in accepting our differences and willing to implement a compromise in which you are both happy with. People rush into relationships and they do not assess the differences in a person’s upbringing and before long, you are in love and you tell yourself that you can tolerate this or that, but it’s those little details of difference that send most people to divorce court! Celebrate your differences and stop comparing whether it’s right or wrong and develop a compromise that will now become a new tradition or way of doing things in your relationship!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Sex in the Kitchen Anyone?!?!?!

1 Corinthians 7:4-5:

"The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. DO NOT DEPRIVE EACH OTHER except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self–control."

Well since we talked about intimacy last week and what an important need it is for a woman, I figured this week we'd talk about an important need for a man. And what could possibly be an important need for a man? Sex....hands down! As a matter of fact, it's our #1 need! What trips me out is when I hear wives asking questions like "how many times does he want to have sex?" Or "he wants to have sex again? Didn't we JUST do it?" And my reply is "what did you think ya'll were gonna be doing when you got married? Talk!?!?!" Men want sex, point blank period. All of us do...that's just a part of the game. And guess what? It's just not your husband, it's ALL men. So don't think that if you leave your husband and get with another cat, that things will be any different. In fact the next dude may want it more then your ex did. Ladies...don't try to upgrade. Just get with the program and please the husband you've got.

Now, I understand that men and women are raised totally opposite when dealing with sex and the way we were raised affects how we are as adults. Men are usually raised to have sex with as many women as possible. No to settle down. Like Big said "treat it like boxing and stick and move". The only thing we're usually taught as far as responsibility is concerned is "don't get a chick pregnant." And women are usually raised hearing "don't have no boys in my house", "don't be a hoe", "don't be doing any of those nasty things" and "you better not turn up pregnant". Plus we all went to schools with a bunch of loose chicks and the "good girls" heard the way the neighborhood jumpoff was talked about and how she was treated and don't tell me, you vowed that would never be you. I see the differences and I get why sex is the #1 problem in marriage. (I keep hearing that money is #1...but I respectfully disagree) With money problems the majority of times it deals with things that we have no control over. Lay offs, being fired, your property value going down, being upside down in our homes and our cars, etc but we control sex. And the question is how long are we gonna let sex continue to be the #1 problem?

The funny thing about sex is it seems to be like Golden Coral (all you can eat, every kind of food and dessert) when you're dating but when you get married it becomes like Arby's. (I mean, many people eat @ Arby's?) My pastor always preaches about how he spends so much time counseling people who aren't married telling them to stop having sex and trying to get people who ARE married to start having sex! How backwards is that? But I have a philosophy on why that is.

Sex is the ONLY sin in the Bible that's a sin at one time and a blessing at another time. Truth be told, we all know sex before marriage is wrong whether we care to admit it or not. Whether it's for religious reasons or just because your parents told you not to do it, but we all know we shouldn't be doing it. But we all know how the human mind is, as soon as we're told not to do something we automatically start plotting on how to do it. And there's an extra passion involved when we know we're doing something that's wrong. Think back to high school and how much sneaking and thought had to be put in place just to have sex. You had codes on how many times to let the phone ring and how to knock on the door. You had to know what time your parents were coming home and what the escape plan was if you're parents came home early.

 All those things were exciting and it increased your passion to have sex, because it was a risk. I always use the example of Miles in the movie "Soul Food". When Mile's slept with Terri's cousin, that one minute was probably the most passionate sex he had in the past 10 years. But it was SO passionate because he KNEW "I shouldn't be having sex with my wife's cousin!" But now you're married and there's no risk to take. The same mother who once told you "you better not bring no kids in the house" is now asking "so when are you gonna give me some grand kids?" And I know for women this transition is a VERY hard one, but the transition HAS to happen IF you want to keep your husband happy. And a happy husband USUALLY equates to commited husband.

So how do you bring that passion into your marriage? It starts with you knowing yourself. What are your hang ups with sex? Not only with your husband but period. Do you not want to do certain things with your husband based off of what you heard growing up? Are you skeptical with trying new things because you've done them in the past and that guy hurt you and you don't want to feel that hurt again? I've heard from A LOT of women that their past has made them shut down mentally now. But how is that fair to your husband? I know a lot of men who feel like their wives have probably given more of themselves, sexually and mentally to their boyfriends in the past but have shut down their husbands. And this is the dude who gave you the ring, the last name, the house, the cars, the kids and this is the dude you're shutting down!?!?! There is a single black woman right now who would assasinate President Obama for your husband and you're shutting him down! Word!?!?

So women, what's the REAL beef with not wanting to have sex with your husband? I want you to really think about that and pray about it, and write down your reasons and whatever you write down, you need to share it with your husband so that you two can talk and figure out how to make sex the enjoyable act God wanted it to be.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Difference is Why

"The Female's Perspective"

Dr. Roz's View

Intimacy for women is not just about SEX, it’s an emotional connection, sex is just the bonus! We like to be in tune with our spouse and confident in our relationships. It begins for us when we feel like we are the apple of your eye, that you have fully accepted us, can protect and provide for us, and desire us! While we do enjoy sex just as much as men, being intimate with you is more about maintaining an emotional connection than a physical release.

True intimacy is sharing your vulnerabilities, letting your guard down, becoming real with us. When you choose to not share your world with us, to not consider us as a friend, you become confused when we don’t want to be with you sexually. For women sex is a spiritual emotional journey that must first begin with knowing that our partner wants to be intimate with us. We need to know that you trust us with your vulnerabilities! Ladies, regardless if we realize it or not, we need for our spouse to be vulnerable because as women we are innate nurturers, and their vulnerabilities is the perfect playground that fulfils our need to nurture.

Brothers, when you are intimate with us, it provides the security that you desire us, we are connected emotionally, and you’ve met that emotional need. However YOU MUST be consistent! Too much lapse in an emotional connection or intimate moment is confusing and frustrating for your lady and can lead down that road of dangerous assumptions ( is he with someone else, does he desire me, etc...). So men, learn to be open with us, share with us, and don’t be afraid of an emotional connection! When we feel secure in our relationships, we become the best spouses in turn meeting all of your needs!

So for future reference, a woman always wants to be intimate because we are emotional beings! We want to have sex, we just may not want to have it with you if our emotional needs are not being met. So make sure you communicate with your significant other about what intimacy looks like for them to become more in tune with the person that you love!

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Difference is Why

“Sometimes the scales get unbalanced, don’t you know the reason is why?” – Lenny Kravitz "The Difference is Why"

Roz and I choose to name this section of the blog, “The Difference is Why” because we feel like that’s why marriages aren’t surviving, because of our differences. With this section of the blog, we’re hoping that a male and female perspective on different topics will help marriages see both sides and prayerfully once we can begin to see and understand the opposite sex’s viewpoint and their needs, we’ll be able to start repairing and healing our marriages. So Mondays will be "Male Mondays" and Fridays will be "Female Fridays". Make sure you subscribe to the site, so you will know when we have posted something new! Now this week’s topic...intimacy.

"The Male Perspective"

Kil's View

Webster’s definition of intimacy is: 1. The state of being intimate 2. Something of a personal or private nature. 

Now, my definition of intimacy 10 years ago was, a woman’s cute way of saying she wants to have sex. Yeah, I was wrong, REAL wrong! Being married for 10 years I’ve learned that intimacy is more about a women feeling connected to you, then anything dealing with sex. I think the hardest reason for men to understand this is because 9 times out of 10, in prior relationships or even in the relationship we’re currently in (at least before we got married), intimacy was sex. There weren’t too many “sex starts in the kitchen, rub my feet, let me tell you about my day, let’s snuggle” conversations that needed to be had before we had sex or to turn our wives on. So, now we’re married and all of a sudden, here comes this new definition of intimacy and ladies, you gotta give us some leeway to deal with this new found word.

I think the first thing that both men and women have to do is clearly define the needs that we both have and how we want those needs to be met. If you’re in a “loving” marriage, your husband should want to meet your needs, but the first thing he needs is to know how to meet those needs. And as a wife your job is to help your husband understand why those needs are important and what you need on any given day. (because a woman’s needs change daily!) When I was in Cancun, every morning I would go out on the beach of our resort and there would be flags raised to let the guests know what the ocean was like that day. Those flags were a daily warning on whether the ocean was calm, if the ocean was rough, etc. Men, need a similar hook up. We need to know what “the water is like for the day” and what you need from us. If you let us know what you need, MOST husbands won’t have any problems providing but we need help ladies!

And men, we can’t just provide “intimacy” and a listening ear because we want sex in return. I’ve learned throughout 10 years of marriage, that’s not how God blesses your marriage. I’ve learned that God looks at your motive for doing things, and if your only motive for pleasing your wife, is to get what you want in return, then 9 times out of 10, you won’t get what you want in return! We (men AND women) are selfish people by nature and we want, what we want, when we want it. But God will bless your marriage when we become servants, givers and more selfless. So men, let’s try to bless our wives with a selfless attitude and watch how with a pure heart, we’ll both be able to be blessed and satisfied in our marriage. Check back on Friday for Roz's definition and an explanation of intimacy for "Female Fridays"!