Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is Love Enough to Sustain your Relationship?

Dr. Roz's Perspective

Is Love enough to Sustain a Marriage

Love? I mean really what does Love have to do with it as Tina Turner so eloquently belted out this song? If you ask most of Society, you probably will hear that it has a lot to do with everything! I admit Love has to be in place to progress a relationship, but I think we rely too much on Love to determine whether our relationship is successful or not. The truth is, relationships take more than love to function effectively, please believe that love is not the only ingredient!

You need a bit of compassion, a whole lot of commitment, and the ability to love yourself as a whole person before you merge your life with someone else. Many of us enter in relationships not knowing how to love ourselves and then drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out how to love our mate! So the first thing that we have to do is to define Love for ourselves, apply whatever your definition is to your life and once you have figured out how to make love work in the relationship with yourself, you will then be able to figure out what love will look like in your relationship with your mate!

Now that your relationship has defined what love looks like for you all, you then have to compare it to God’s definition of how he perceived love to be in marriages and relationships. Yep, we like to think that we love our mates unconditionally, but let that joker get on your nerves one good time and you start looking for your next vacation without your mate ( just to get your mind right, you know), whether it’s mental or physical, you start looking for an escape ( it’s ok to honestly admit this to yourself)! We have all been there, that’s why separations and divorces are so prevalent! We function in our relationships based on our perception of how someone is suppose to love us and never had the conversation on how the two of you will love each other in the way that God has instructed us to love each other.

If we were loving our mates unconditionally, then compassion would easily be applied to our mate’s flaws, but because we get fed up, irritated and frustrated with whatever our situation is (present company included, hey I’m human, it happens) sometimes it’s hard to have compassion towards our mate. As a result, it opens the door to temptation or the option of separation and the whole commitment that was made in the beginning of the relationship is thrown out the window.

Personally, I think commitment is the holy grail of marriage! Commitment is hard because you have to participate even when you do not want to be the spouse that you so willingly said “I do” to on your wedding day. There are some days that we want to just check out because it was easier to take care of ourselves and only have to compromise with ourselves. But commitment is what keeps us coming home at night, ensuring that we do not go to bed mad at each other, striving to better our family, taking care of each other when sickness is an issue, or even bettering ourselves for the good of the relationship.

While Love may be at the root or foundation of our relationships, it’s essential to have so many other components to make a marriage or relationship work! So in my honest opinion, Love is not enough to sustain your marriage or relationships!

Kil's Perspective

Kil's Perspective
How important is love in a marriage? Let's important is gas in a car? It's VERY important! But I don't think love is the be all, end all. You can keep your gas tank on full but if you don't keep up with the schedule maintenance for the rest of the car you'll just end up with a car that doesn't work, but it's got gas!

Too many people today are sitting there in marriages that don't work, but are full of love because of the myth that love is all we need. Most people decide to get a divorce or seperate because "we're not in love anymore". Why do the bulk of people get married? Because they're in love. But there are SO many other aspects to a healthy and productive marriage and/or relationship. During Tanya and my pre marriage counseling our pastor asked us "what is the most important thing in a marriage?" And without even a sec going by, we both said "love"! And our pastor said "wrong"! (Just like Charlie Murphy talking about Rick James on the Chapelle show...aiight, not really like Charlie He explained to us that the most important thing in a marriage is commitment.
Just recently God put on my heart that's what's really missing in a lot of marriages isn't love, it's "like". Your spouse is suppose to be your best friend but how many of us treat our spouses like our best friend, or even a friend for that matter? Think about it, we protect our closest friends, we look out for our friends, we enjoy spending time with our friends, we look forward to spending time with our friends and I could go on and on about what we do for our best friends and how we treat them and a lot of people don't even treat their spouse like a long lost friend, let alone a best friend.

So, to answer the question, is love enough in your marriage...naw, it's not. In 2010 you need a whole lot more then love to keep your marriage together.


KD said...

You are absolutely right about having to "like" your spouse. If you dont like them, you will try your best not to be around them as much as you possibly can and who wants to live in a marriage like that? Its just like that relative in your family that you love beause it's your family, but you cant stand that cat and if the annual family reunion is the only time you see that cat, you are happy! You cant have a spouse like that because it will make life have to see that person everyday! EVERY DAY! So learn to like your spouse just as much or in some cases more that you love them. Love keeps you in the marriage because of the vows you took but like keeps you home!

Kil said...

Couldn't have said it better myself fam! Good look for stopping through...

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