Monday, August 23, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: No Renogotiation!


One of my fav lines from New Jack City is when Nino is telling Frankie "no renogotiation". I never knew why out of all the great quotes in the movie, that one stuck with me all of these years. But I'm realizing this quote is how many people feel in their marriages.

When we get married to someone, we want that person to stay the exact same way they were when we married them. We don't care how much time goes by or how many kids we have now or how our situation may have changed, we want and need you to stay the same. One of the things that I've realized about marriage is that it's a constant renogotiation. Nothing is going to stay the same and a lot of people have problems dealing with change in their own life, let alone someone else's life.

We have to realize that the more time we're blessed to be married to someone, the more our mates will change. It's simply a part of life. And all change doesn't have to be bad. Both people should want to grow but sometimes the more we grow individually, we end up growing apart as a couple and that's where the negotiating process comes into play.

Marriage is all about commitment. Committed to God, your spouse and your family and the same way we don't abandon our children because they're changing and growing (as frustrating as those changes can be) you shouldn't abandon your spouse. But people do that everyday with their marriages. We have to learn to communicate with our spouses about when and how you're growing and changing and how your spouse and marriage can continue to grow with you. But that can only happen if we're truly honest with ourselves and our spouse.

I've been asked "how do you negotiate in your marriage"? And the answer is simple, the same way you would negotiate a business deal, except with your marriage, you don't walk away from the negotiating table. You come with your concerns and requests (not your demands and ultimatums) and you and your spouse talk about how you two can continue to grow together. Not an easy task by any means, but then again, what in life is? So if you truly love God, your spouse and your family and you're truly committed to them, don't be on your Nino Brown jawn.

3 comments:

sam said...

Kil,
LOL - I appreciate the commentary on adjusting to our loved ones/spouses as we all go through life transitions. In my opinion what makes the negotiation process so difficult, is making the time to literally sit at the "table". For instance, when you are negotiating/presented with a business deal - a number of things are set in place, e.g., atmosphere, your attire, notes and powerpoints, you did your homework, and you are on top of your game, the tv is not around, the distractions are liimited...

However in the daily grind there are a number of obstacles to even having this discussion take place e.g., kids, work, extended family obligations, pre-season football, regular season, playoffs, basketball season, etc.

So while the analogy of being open to the negotiation is an excellent suggestion, perhaps extending it to include going out of our way to make sure the atmosphere and timing is right might be conducive to fully exploring the options on the "table". Just a thought...I have learned to save these discussions for a time when we are driving (without the radio on) somewhere, because you know commuting around the DC Metro area - gives us a good 30min to talk without my little one jumping in the middle...

Do me a favor, just don't tell the wifey this is my strategy!

Kil said...

No doubt fam! Your secret is safe with us! And you're 100% correct about the atmosphere having to be right! I just pray that couples realize the most important thing is to know we're not walking away from the negotiating table. It seems like so many of us come to the table with the attitude of "if he/she doesn't agree with what I want or if they don't let me do what I want to do...I'm out!" As ALWAYS thanks for the open, honest comments fam!

Edenn said...

Hey! Ray and I had this issue come up recently. He was thinking about a career change. And this change would have shifted the very nature of our family schedule and time as a couple. Not only that, this new career is a 180 degree shift from his present one. I've only ever known my husband to be a teacher and counselor. This has been his 9 to 5 but also formed part of who he is as a person. So the idea of him moving away from that was VERY scary!! Conversations about this career change went on for a few months. Sometimes they were good; other times they were not so good. In the end, he decided against the change for now, but who knows what will happen in the future. The lesson for me along the way was to be patient and listen and let him know that I supported his growth both personally and professionally. And I had to do my best not to push my own agenda. Because you're right, Rahaman, we all change and grow. And none of us can control our partner or keep him/her in a box of comfort and convenience for ourselves. It's hard and it's scary especially amidst other life challenges. But who said marriage was easy, right? ;-) Thanks for the post. Lots to think about!

 
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