Sunday, August 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Difference is Why

“Sometimes the scales get unbalanced, don’t you know the reason is why?” – Lenny Kravitz "The Difference is Why"


Roz and I choose to name this section of the blog, “The Difference is Why” because we feel like that’s why marriages aren’t surviving, because of our differences. With this section of the blog, we’re hoping that a male and female perspective on different topics will help marriages see both sides and prayerfully once we can begin to see and understand the opposite sex’s viewpoint and their needs, we’ll be able to start repairing and healing our marriages. So Mondays will be "Male Mondays" and Fridays will be "Female Fridays". Make sure you subscribe to the site, so you will know when we have posted something new! Now this week’s topic...intimacy.

"The Male Perspective"

Kil's View

Webster’s definition of intimacy is: 1. The state of being intimate 2. Something of a personal or private nature. 

Now, my definition of intimacy 10 years ago was, a woman’s cute way of saying she wants to have sex. Yeah, I was wrong, REAL wrong! Being married for 10 years I’ve learned that intimacy is more about a women feeling connected to you, then anything dealing with sex. I think the hardest reason for men to understand this is because 9 times out of 10, in prior relationships or even in the relationship we’re currently in (at least before we got married), intimacy was sex. There weren’t too many “sex starts in the kitchen, rub my feet, let me tell you about my day, let’s snuggle” conversations that needed to be had before we had sex or to turn our wives on. So, now we’re married and all of a sudden, here comes this new definition of intimacy and ladies, you gotta give us some leeway to deal with this new found word.

I think the first thing that both men and women have to do is clearly define the needs that we both have and how we want those needs to be met. If you’re in a “loving” marriage, your husband should want to meet your needs, but the first thing he needs is to know how to meet those needs. And as a wife your job is to help your husband understand why those needs are important and what you need on any given day. (because a woman’s needs change daily!) When I was in Cancun, every morning I would go out on the beach of our resort and there would be flags raised to let the guests know what the ocean was like that day. Those flags were a daily warning on whether the ocean was calm, if the ocean was rough, etc. Men, need a similar hook up. We need to know what “the water is like for the day” and what you need from us. If you let us know what you need, MOST husbands won’t have any problems providing but we need help ladies!

And men, we can’t just provide “intimacy” and a listening ear because we want sex in return. I’ve learned throughout 10 years of marriage, that’s not how God blesses your marriage. I’ve learned that God looks at your motive for doing things, and if your only motive for pleasing your wife, is to get what you want in return, then 9 times out of 10, you won’t get what you want in return! We (men AND women) are selfish people by nature and we want, what we want, when we want it. But God will bless your marriage when we become servants, givers and more selfless. So men, let’s try to bless our wives with a selfless attitude and watch how with a pure heart, we’ll both be able to be blessed and satisfied in our marriage. Check back on Friday for Roz's definition and an explanation of intimacy for "Female Fridays"!

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