Monday, August 16, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Sex in the Kitchen Anyone?!?!?!

1 Corinthians 7:4-5:

"The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. DO NOT DEPRIVE EACH OTHER except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self–control."

Well since we talked about intimacy last week and what an important need it is for a woman, I figured this week we'd talk about an important need for a man. And what could possibly be an important need for a man? Sex....hands down! As a matter of fact, it's our #1 need! What trips me out is when I hear wives asking questions like "how many times does he want to have sex?" Or "he wants to have sex again? Didn't we JUST do it?" And my reply is "what did you think ya'll were gonna be doing when you got married? Talk!?!?!" Men want sex, point blank period. All of us do...that's just a part of the game. And guess what? It's just not your husband, it's ALL men. So don't think that if you leave your husband and get with another cat, that things will be any different. In fact the next dude may want it more then your ex did. Ladies...don't try to upgrade. Just get with the program and please the husband you've got.

Now, I understand that men and women are raised totally opposite when dealing with sex and the way we were raised affects how we are as adults. Men are usually raised to have sex with as many women as possible. No to settle down. Like Big said "treat it like boxing and stick and move". The only thing we're usually taught as far as responsibility is concerned is "don't get a chick pregnant." And women are usually raised hearing "don't have no boys in my house", "don't be a hoe", "don't be doing any of those nasty things" and "you better not turn up pregnant". Plus we all went to schools with a bunch of loose chicks and the "good girls" heard the way the neighborhood jumpoff was talked about and how she was treated and don't tell me, you vowed that would never be you. I see the differences and I get why sex is the #1 problem in marriage. (I keep hearing that money is #1...but I respectfully disagree) With money problems the majority of times it deals with things that we have no control over. Lay offs, being fired, your property value going down, being upside down in our homes and our cars, etc but we control sex. And the question is how long are we gonna let sex continue to be the #1 problem?

The funny thing about sex is it seems to be like Golden Coral (all you can eat, every kind of food and dessert) when you're dating but when you get married it becomes like Arby's. (I mean, many people eat @ Arby's?) My pastor always preaches about how he spends so much time counseling people who aren't married telling them to stop having sex and trying to get people who ARE married to start having sex! How backwards is that? But I have a philosophy on why that is.

Sex is the ONLY sin in the Bible that's a sin at one time and a blessing at another time. Truth be told, we all know sex before marriage is wrong whether we care to admit it or not. Whether it's for religious reasons or just because your parents told you not to do it, but we all know we shouldn't be doing it. But we all know how the human mind is, as soon as we're told not to do something we automatically start plotting on how to do it. And there's an extra passion involved when we know we're doing something that's wrong. Think back to high school and how much sneaking and thought had to be put in place just to have sex. You had codes on how many times to let the phone ring and how to knock on the door. You had to know what time your parents were coming home and what the escape plan was if you're parents came home early.

 All those things were exciting and it increased your passion to have sex, because it was a risk. I always use the example of Miles in the movie "Soul Food". When Mile's slept with Terri's cousin, that one minute was probably the most passionate sex he had in the past 10 years. But it was SO passionate because he KNEW "I shouldn't be having sex with my wife's cousin!" But now you're married and there's no risk to take. The same mother who once told you "you better not bring no kids in the house" is now asking "so when are you gonna give me some grand kids?" And I know for women this transition is a VERY hard one, but the transition HAS to happen IF you want to keep your husband happy. And a happy husband USUALLY equates to commited husband.

So how do you bring that passion into your marriage? It starts with you knowing yourself. What are your hang ups with sex? Not only with your husband but period. Do you not want to do certain things with your husband based off of what you heard growing up? Are you skeptical with trying new things because you've done them in the past and that guy hurt you and you don't want to feel that hurt again? I've heard from A LOT of women that their past has made them shut down mentally now. But how is that fair to your husband? I know a lot of men who feel like their wives have probably given more of themselves, sexually and mentally to their boyfriends in the past but have shut down their husbands. And this is the dude who gave you the ring, the last name, the house, the cars, the kids and this is the dude you're shutting down!?!?! There is a single black woman right now who would assasinate President Obama for your husband and you're shutting him down! Word!?!?

So women, what's the REAL beef with not wanting to have sex with your husband? I want you to really think about that and pray about it, and write down your reasons and whatever you write down, you need to share it with your husband so that you two can talk and figure out how to make sex the enjoyable act God wanted it to be.


Kaycee said...

Hey Yall,

I find it interesting that Kil choose to scream the "do not deprive..." part of the scripture, but failed to give equal attention to "devotion to prayer"! LOL

Anyhoo, I think part of the issue is that the expectations while single and the realities of married life are 2 different things. We tend to say its going to 50/50, but it never is. Nor should that be a goal---it's not realistic. But by and large, women tend to charged with maintaining their financial responsibilities, personal growth, serving our communities, and checking for the house. Add kids to the mix and a sista is tired! :O)

I think far more men would find willing and excited sex partners in their wives if they took more initiative at home. Not only is it appreciated, but it leaves wives more energy---to do with as yall please!

Dr. Roz and Kil said...

Thanks for the comment! I hear that a lot that wives feel like if their husbands did more around the house that they would have more energy for sex and I agree! And that's why I said that women should find out their reasons and share it with their husbands. If a husband doesn't know something is bothering his wife, how can he change it? I don't think any one person should be tasked with everything, and what you just ran down seems like A LOT! As I said during my intimacy article from last week, I'm challenging men to step up and help their wives more. And not just to get sex in return but because it's what God wants.

And I think a key point that women need to remember is that your HUSBANDS come first! Not the children, not the communities, not the ministries, not your personal growth, but your husbands! I know women who say I'm too tired to spend time with my husband but they've done a bake sale for the girl scouts, took their sons to karate, help plant trees in the park, feed the homeless, sung ALL four services @ church on Sunday, etc. etc. SO I can TOTALLY understand why you would be so tired! But in my humble opinion, is there anyway you could've "hooked your husband up" first before you saved the rest of the world? I've had to do the exact same thing in my own marriage. I would make time to take my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese and take her to the park and run behind her for hours but then I'd get home and be too tired to give my wife a foot massage! So now when my daughter asks to go somewhere, I've got to make sure I don't do too much so I can make sure that I gave the #1 woman in my life, the attention SHE deserves!

Now I know you women do it all and I give ya'll all the props in the world! But I go back to what I said earlier, that if a woman feel overworked, you HAVE to tell your husband so that he can HELP YOU! Thanks again for the comment!

sam said...

First of all Dr. Roz and Kil thanks for the platform to have a candid down to earth dialogue about a taboo subject.

Second, it resonates with me to see the perspective of sex before and after marriage. In fact I've often wondered how this has impacted me emotionally in terms of desiring to be completely connected to my wife but at the same time having some deep underlying feelings of guilt about being physical with her and we've been happily married for ten years. I hope to use this as an example for my 4 year old daughter as she gets older on the importance of having sex the way God intended it to be.

Finally, there is so much information you both have provided it's hard for me to decide where to chime in.

So, I'll just share one example that I believe confirms your analogy from Cancun on giving the fellas a heads up about the volatility of the ocean waves.

When it comes to sex, intimacy, emotional connection it is confusing to me when I personally believe that I have done everything on the list (e.g., walking the dog, taking the trash, dishes, bathing my little one, spending quality time talking and sharing, expressing my vulnerabilities, etc) that has been shared with me to speak my wife's love language and then still for some reason come up short. It is hit or miss. And, when it doesn't happen I get irritable, moody, and downright unpleasant. Just keepin' it real.

However, I think the revelation just hit me - perhaps I am going about it out of the wrong motivation with the ultimate goal of being physically intimate with my wife instead of out of a pure heart...thanks Kil

I'm gonna do my part and pursue God's will by working on sacrificing my selfishness in this area, but a brother is weak so a heads up about whether or not tonight is going to be one of those days to be intimate (the way most mean define it) would be helpful so that I can prepare accordingly.

Dr. Roz and Kil said...

Hi Sam,
Thank you for commenting on our post, we truly appreciate your interest and honesty. I think in relationships we are not honest enough with each other and we take each other for granted. While you may be doing more around the home, that may be your expectation of your wife and she may not see it as helping out or you doing extra to take the load off of her! We often do not discuss expectations and become upset when we feel as if our efforts are unnoticed. Sam I would have an honest conversation with your wife about your needs and encourage her to talk about her needs! It may be that you think you are doing something great for the marriage, but what's great to you, may not be great to her which diminishes it's intent! So often, we do not get on the same page with our mates and wonder why we keep experiencing a hit or miss! Have an honest talk and tell her what you need, you may find out that she has some needs as well! I wish you luck!
Dr. Roz

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