How Do I Get My Husband To Stop Being Selfish With Sex?

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice on how a wife can get her husband to stop being selfish in the bedroom.

Should A Married Couple Attend Different Churches?

Dr. Roz and Kil break down should a married couple attend different churches.

My Husband Is Addicted To Drugs!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband is addicted to drugs.

My Husband NEVER Sacrifices For Me!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband doesn't sacrifice for her.

How Do I Tell My Family I'm Marrying Outside My Race?

Dr. Roz and Kil answer a question about marrying outside your race.

Marriage Exposed is the website that talks about what marriage REALLY is...work. It's some of the best work you can sign up for but nevertheless, it's work.

Have you ever wondered what you'd get if you took a clinical psychologist and a hip hop producer and gave them a blog that dealt with marriage, relationships and everything in between? Probably not...BUT if you did, then you'd have Marriage Exposed! With a mixture of therapeutical strategies, biblical principals, practicality and laughter, Dr. Roz and Kil not only coach couples through the "hard times" of their relationships but they continue to impart wisdom, after their storms have passed. Send us your questions or comments and join the conversation!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Questions


Many are "waiting on the Lord" to send them there mate. Do you think some people use this phrase as a scapgoat to hide behind? People continue to date but then dump the person because they are not "Godly" enough.


Well, first let me start this off by saying that maybe there are some people who use the "waiting on the Lord to send me someone" as an excuse for not having anyone but if that person is a true believer then I believe that's exactly what they're doing. I mean, there are a MILLION other excuses people can use and are using to why they don't have a mate, but if they're trying to bring God's name in it that's just wack.

It's funny you ask that question though because I can remember an article online a while back about black women not dating "good" black men just because they don't go to church. I don't think most unbelievers "get" or understand how believers think. When I was a kid growing up in Philly, my friends and I would make fun of the way the chinese people talked who ran the take out spot we went to. (No disrespect to any of our asian followers btw) And the reason why we made fun of them was because they sounded funny to us and we didn't understand what they were saying. And I think that's what a lot of unbelievers do when believers say things like "I'm waiting on the Lord". They make fun of it because they don't understand what we're saying and it sounds funny to them. Roz and I are both believers so the bulk of our advice is going to come from a biblical standpoint and the best thing about that is God's advice is the PERFECT advice for everyone! And as believers, we're taught to lean on God for EVERYTHING! Philippians 4:6 says "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything." Now do believers always wait for God when we make all of our decisions? Naw, but make enough bad decisions on your own and you'll learn to start waiting on God! And as my pastor always teaches, who you marry is the 2nd most important decision you will ever make in life (the first decision would be giving your life to Christ) so why leave that up to the luck of the draw? I know people who make the most strategic and smart decisions when it comes to every other aspect of their life but when it comes to affairs of the heart? They just throw caution to the wind! Truth be told, I wish more people would wait on God to tell them who to marry! Here's a funny story, my daughter at 4 years old is already a hopeless romantic and one day we were in the car and she says "daddy, will God tell me who to marry?" And I say "yeah, Nay he will." And she says "good, because I don't want to choose the wrong person."

Plus, if finding a "Godly" man is important to someone, what's wrong with women dumping the guys who aren't? They don't have an attribute that the women they're dating want in a man, so they bounce. If they stayed, we'd be calling them dumb! And I've seen plenty of women dump men for reasons A LOT for more trivial then he doesn't know God!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Parenting 101


My first time holding Nay...
I think being a parent is one of the biggest joys that you can be blessed with. God truly blesses us with angels to take care of. Next month (November 8) Naomi will be 5 years old! I can't believe it! It seems just like yesterday Tee told me she was pregnant and we went to Babies R Us to start picking things out. I can remember going to find out what the sex was and hoping and praying we were going to have a boy, and when we found out I was having a girl I wanted to bust out crying but I knew Tee would've killed me! My thing was "what am I going to do with a girl? Have tea parties?"

Well, 5 years later I can honestly say I wouldn't trade Naomi for 5 sons! She is TRULY my mini me. It's crazy that I thought I wouldn't be able to do anything with a daughter because Nay does EVERYTHING with me! She's been diggin' (record shopping) with me since she could barely walk. Been watching basketball with me since she came home from the hospital. Not to mention goes to all the Georgetown game with me and my peoples. Helps me wash the cars and she knows the bare basics of using my MPC 2000XL (my drum machine) and she just wrote her first two songs with the melody, verses and even a hook and just recorded her first song! Just another example of how we think we know what and who we need but as usual we have to trust that God knows best.

I have been blessed that people have asked me "how are you such a great dad?" Number one, it's a blessing that people see me that way and number two it's a blessing because I think I'm just an aiight dad and that I suck in a lot of places but I'm working hard everyday to get better. It's always a blessing for people to think more highly of you then you do of yourself, usually it's the other way around. My first answer to why I'm a good dad is simple...God. Without his guidance I'm nothing. My second answer is that for over 10 years I've worked with youth in SE Washington DC and I've learned what NOT to do for and to your kids. And I just take what I saw at work for 10 years and flip it and give Naomi the opposite of what the MAJORITY of my kids parents (and I'm not saying in ANY way that all parents from SE DC are the worst either) give them.

I just wanted to share a few things that I think are important to being good parents. Now in no way am I saying if you don't do these things, you're not a good parent or anything like that. I'm just sharing what has worked for Tee and I. And prayerfully some of the parents out there will chime in with some of the things that they think can lead us to be better parents.

#1 Pray for your children and teach them how to pray.

I don't think a day goes by when Tee and I don't pray for Naomi. For her well being, that she will be everything God wants her to be and that we're doing a good job being her parents. And everyday we all pray before we leave the house and before Naomi goes to bed. Naomi is turning into the ill prayer too. When she prays her prayers can deal with everything from thanking God for taking care of everyone to help Daddy find a new job to thanks for the new toy I got today. It's SO important to us that Naomi knows about God at an early age. We also just brought her a GREAT book called "My First Message" by Eugene H. Peterson. It tells the Bible's stories but at the end of each story there is a prayer, a question for the child to answer and something for the child to do.

#2 Talk to your kids.

It amazes me how parents don't talk to their kids. It seems so obvious but a lot of parents don't do it. My best friend shared with me something he does with his family that we've incorporated into doing with ours. While we're eating dinner we go around the table and ask what was the best part of your day and what was the worst part of your day. You'd be surprised to find out what you might learn not only from your kids but from your spouse about their day and what they might be going through.


Nay's 1st time diggin...


3. Share with your kids.

And what I mean by "share with 'em" is let them know that you have struggles too. Too many times as parents we just talk "at" our kids and not "with" them. For example, Nay is VERY impatient...but so am I! So if I'm getting on Nay about being patient, I gotta throw "and you know daddy needs to learn to be more patient too" in the mix too. We've gotta let our kids know we're human too and that we've messed up & will continue to mess up and help them to understand why there are rules for them to follow. At the end of one of Nay's bible stories, they said to ask your parents to tell a story of a time when they made a bad decision and what were the consequences. I told Nay about this time I lied to my moms about not getting my report card (but I did get it) and how my moms came to the school and found out I lied and I got beat when I got home. Nay was in shock and ran and told Tee the story I just told her and was like "mommy, daddy lied to granny and got his butt beat! I'm not gonna do that!" Lol...

4. Tell your kids you're proud of them.

The #1 rule in our home is to simply "try". That's what I expect from myself, Tanya and Naomi. I know we're not gonna be perfect and get an A+ on every test but I do expect us all to try. And not a day goes by when I don't tell Nay I'm proud of her. It can be for doing her homework, for the prayer she said, for trying to tie her shoes, etc. One day Nay didn't do her homework right and she said "I didn't do it right, I know you're not proud of me" and I was like "I'm ALWAYS proud of you...even when you don't do something right."

#5 Tell your kids you love them.

I must tell Naomi I love her 1,000,000 times a day! Everyday when I drop Nay off at school I ask her "how much do I love you?" And she stretches her arms out wide and grunts trying to reach for something (I told her I love her SO much she'll never be able to reach it) and says "that much". It's important that our kids know that we love them no matter what. When they're doing great or when they're showing their butts, they need to know we love them.

6. Teach your kids to give back.

When Naomi was 3 we volunteered at our church for Thanksgiving helping to make plates for the homeless and everyone was shocked we dragged a 3 year old with us. But it was important for Tee and I to have Naomi see firsthand that you have to help people in life. Not only people who have less then you but people in general. When we go through Nay's old clothes to give to other people whether it's for people we know or for donations, we're teaching her that you give to people who may not have. Now, when she can't fit something, she'll come to us and say "can I give this to someone who may need it?" One of her activities in her Bible was to think of something she could do to help someone younger then her. So the next day she volunteered in the 2 year old room at her school and helped them do their work. Now she wants to help them everyday! But to me it's very important that we teach our kids about helping others.


Nay helping me pick up the leaves...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Questions


Nay and I chillin' @ a 76ers Game

What's good peoples? It's been a CRAZY two weeks over here at Til Death Do Us Part. First and foremost, my PNC (Partner in Crime) Roz has been under the wether so that's why there wasn't a Female Friday last week, so ya'll are stuck with me to answer the questions that came in last week. We've been blessed to go from getting one question a week to the 7 that came in last week! So, keep the questions coming and we're also adding another tab to the page called "The Prayer List". We're praying that this blog will become a community where everyone from married folk to single folk can come and get information and share about what they're dealing with and going through but also successes of things they've overcome and share how they were able to overcome them so the rest of us can learn how to overcome similiar obstacles. So, if your marriage and/or family need prayer, you're more then welcome to post it under the "Prayer List" tab. Get as specific as you would like or if you want you can just say "pray for the Jackson family" and we'll be able to sit back and watch God go to work. And when situations on the prayer list have gotten better PLEASE share that with us so we can all celebrate and see that God is still in the blessing business. Well, here are the questions of the week...

Should I be concerned if my boyfriend/fiancé’ has been with a lot (100+) women in his past?


Yup…you should be concerned with the number of women he's been with. Before me and Tee got married our pastor MADE us tell each other how many people we were with and neither one of us wanted to know and he was like "why don't ya'll wanna know?" And we were like a number too high might scare us and he was like ya'll should be scared now rather than later. The funny thing is everyone I tell that story to (the pastor telling us to tell each other their number) EVERYBODY is like it's none of their (their fiancé’ or husband/wife's) business and I'm like what?!?!?! It's not their business? That's another reason why marriages don't last because of all the secrets that people come into to them with. My homeboy just got married and he was saying he didn't wanna know his fiancé’s numbers because whatever's in the past is in the past and won't affect their future and I'm like what if she used to be a prostitute and he just got DEAD QUIET! See, we THINK the past doesn't matter but it's almost like, it depends on what the past was...would you marry a dude who's the best thing since sliced bread if he was locked up for 10 years in the past? What if he used to be gay? What if he slept with 100 women? See, the number of women he slept with tells you A LOT about a man. If in 30 years he slept with 100 women...can he REALLY settle down? He might think he can settle down but men and the number of women we slept with is like deciding where to eat...when you're single you can try everything from McDonalds to Burger King to KFC to Red Lobster to Applebee’s and every eating spot in between and now all of a sudden he's going to go from all of that to just eating from one hot dog stand for the rest of his life!?!?!? That's a huge change and most men I know always use this same line about wanting to get married. "Man, it's about time I settle down"...that's because society tells us after a certain age we NEED to get married...not that he wants to get married but that he NEEDS to get married...there's a HUGE difference! So he says I'm 35, I need to settle down so I won't be the old man @ the club, he finds a nice girl and proposes, they get married and after a year, he's fiendin for some new chick because his wife is boring. Men, like a change in the bedroom...truth be told, watch "I Think I Love My Wife" by Chris Rock and that's what a lot of marriages are like. As a matter of fact, all of Chris Rock's comedy specials touch on all true facts about marriage. Now I'm sure there's a dude out there who's been with 80 women and is ready to settle down and be committed and there's a dude out there who's been with just 10 women and is ready to cheat on his wife with one of her bridesmaids at the reception! So don’t take everything I’m saying as an exact science. I think it's just important to know someone's past...could you imagine someone who doesn't know anything about hip hop or what goes on in hip hop circles and he meets Superhead and she never tells him about her past, and he marries her and then one day finds her book and finds out his wife and the mother of his child has given oral sex to over 300 men! Imagine what's going through his mind! The past is a part of who we are, so when you marry someone, you're marrying their past whether you believe it or not.

Many are embarrassed or afraid to unleash their sexual inhibitions and become proactive in the bedroom. How can one convince their partner to embrace creativity in the bedroom?

As with all things with marriage, it starts with communication. You should express to your partner the things you like in the bedroom and why you like them. I don't think a lot of marriages achieve the sexual fulfillment that God wants for us because of two things. #1 we don't talk about sex with each other and #2 because we don't know who we are ourselves sexually. In my opinion sex is 90% mental and 10% physical while most people think it's the opposite. If sex is 90% physical how do you explain wet dreams? How can people literally have an orgasm while just dreaming with no one touching them but say sex is more physical then mental? So when I said people don't know themselves sexually, I mean some people don't know what turns them on and that's key in having a healthy sex life. It's like not knowing how to get to the supermarket but you're driving in circles trying to get there. That's how most of us are in our sex lives with our spouses. Usually people who are sexually inhibited don't know what turns them on, which is why they're sexually inhibited and until a person really knows themselves sexually that person is missing out on taping into the mental aspect of sex and to me that's where the true fulfillment is. So, to wrap all of that up, talk to your partner about what you like and get your partner to try to do some diggin to see what gets him/her off and come together and make it happen. Also check out this book called "Super Sex" by Tracey Cox. It's a great book to read with your partner and it touches on A LOT things for you and your partner to understand your sexual make up better and to make sex more exciting. Also check out my homegirl's website www.partygals.biz/freakinthesheets for some things that might spice things up in the bedroom too!

What do you do if your partner has trouble with physical intimacy because of sexual trauma from their past and they reject all suggestions for help?

First things first, anyone dealing with sexual trauma NEEDS to seek some psychological help. I know you said they reject all suggestions of help but it's imperative that they seek some professional help. If they still don't want to seek any help after you've voiced that they should, you have to begin to pray for them. Pray that God will put it on their heart for them to go and get help. A lot of times we think we can change people's minds and hearts or because someone is our spouse, they should listen to us first and foremost. When a lot of times we need to take a step back and understand that we might be there just to plant the seed. And maybe once we begin to pray, God will change their heart and they'll seek out the help they need. But remember, don't give God a timeframe! Keep praying and talking to God about your spouse until their heart is moved. One thing I've learned in 10 years of marriage is we have to be patient with our spouses, especially when they're going through issues. So be patient and pray for your spouse. And when that breakthrough comes be sure to share it with us so we can celebrate with you!

When do you think is the best time for those who are dating (and discussing marriage) to meet each other's families/children?

I think it all depends on the couple when it comes to meeting family. I've known couples who once they become "exclusive" they meet each other's families and children which I think is cool. I think the most important aspect to look out for is the children. Too many people introduce their kids to any and everyone they're dating not thinking how this may affect the kid. Especially, when the person you're dating has kids also. Because then the children form a bond and then when you and that person doesn't work out now the kids are left thinking "where's my friend at?" And most times as adults we don't explain anything to the kids about why their friend isn't around anymore, and the kids are left to deal with it on their own. And after that happens a couple of times it really starts to affect the child. But if you two are talking about marriage it would be good for your children to meet the person you're thinking about marrying.

If my boyfriend states he isn't ready to meet my family but we're discussing marriage/having kids frequently, should I be concerned or is he just confused about what he really wants?

I would be concerned because if ya'll are talking about marriage but he doesn't wanna meet your peoples...that doesn't add up to me. Plus there's SO many different levels of "talking about marriage" and they mean different things to men and women. I know couples who say things like "when we get married and have kids blah, blah, blah" and that constitutes as "talking about marriage". To me that's not talking about marriage, that's just like talking about your hopes and dreams ! SERIOUSLY talking about marriage in my opinion are the BOTH of your ring shopping, if your church has a premarital class, you BOTH attending, if you're BOTH going to married couples seeking out advice, etc. But at the end of the day, only your boyfriend can tell you what's going on inside his head.

How much compromising should a boyfriend/girlfriend do in a relationship (over 6+ months) vs. a marriage? One would believe that a relationship is ideally leading to marriage, so should individuals start "practicing" their compromise/conflict resolution styles now OR should we expect the relationship to be easy breezy and if there are areas of conflict present this early should we exit?

Depends on what the compromises are. Is it a compromise of you wanting to go the Bahamas and he wants to do Jamaica, so ya'll do Cancun? Or a compromise like you don't want to live together before ya'll get married but he does and ya'll decide to move in? You're right that relationships should ideally lead to marriage but most of them don't. I'm always concerned when couples "act" married and people give up so much of themselves for someone who isn't their husband or wife. I've seen it and when that happens if the relationship doesn't work out the person who gave so much (usually the woman) now shuts down and in the next relationship she doesn't give as much and that cycle continues so by the times she does get married her husband gets short changed cause she's been playing the wife since she was 20 and a sophomore in college!

As far as "practicing" being married Tee and I didn't start "practicing" being married until we were engaged. And what I mean by practicing being married is getting in the habit of asking each other things like "do you mind if Jas comes through to play some Madden" so when we did get married it wouldn't be such a chore to ask things like that. And also putting our money into one account and getting in the habit of asking each other permission to buy things. That's how we practiced being married. It was more so just trying to get into the habit of asking permission for things. But again, that didn't happen until we were engaged.

I also don't think you should think the relationship should be easy and breezy because there's gonna be conflicts in all of our relationships whether it's friendships, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc but I'll tell you this, if you live in NYC and you get a great job offer in Cali and you want to take it and your boyfriend (not fiancé) doesn't want you to go, unless he gets on his Beyonce jawn and puts a ring on it, I think you should take that job opportunity!

What are the "red flags" that men and women should notice when dating the opposite sex?

The red flags depend on you. Because red flags for me or someone else might not be red flags for you. For example, I didn't like dating women who drink, so if I was out with a woman and while at dinner she's on her 8th glass of red wine...that's a red flag for me. But I know dudes who like their woman to drink so for one of my people's that's not a red flag. I say red flags are things that make you go "word"? Like this dude just called me a hoe..."word?" This dude just threw up all over me cause he got drunk at the bar..."word"? I just saw my man's ex-girlfriend leaving his house as I was coming in and now this dude is sleep..."word?" In my opinion, once you've decided I'm ready to get married (even if you're single) you need to get a top 5 list of what you want in a husband/wife and put them in order of what's the most important to you. And not the "he gotta make $100,000 and be 6'5" with a 6 pack and drive a benz" list but the "he's gotta have a relationship with God, he's gotta have ambition, I don't want him to drink, I don't want him to have more than 2 kids from 2 different women" list. Also put an asterisk by the ones that are not negotiable. For example, having a relationship with God may be a non negotiable, so he may have all of the other 4 things but if he don't know God, you shouldn’t be budging. And of course, you might not get everything on our list but you at least you know what your non negotiable are. And based off your list, that's how you should look for red flags.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: I Did It My Way


Sometimes marriage reminds me of being a kid. It's literally like you've gotta get permission for almost everything you do. I can remember being a kid trying to convince my moms to buy me a pair of Jordans for $140 (which in '88 was BANANAS for a pair of sneakers) and now I find myself doing the same as an adult! Whether it's still a pair of Jordans some 22 years later (what can I say? I'm a sneaker head!) or a $400 PS3...I gotta check with wifey first. I think compromising is one of the hardest things about marriage.

As a kid, your main thing usually is, "I can't wait to grow up so I can do what I wanna do". Then you graduate high school and go off to college or move out your people's hosue and now you're finally on your own and you can do whatever you wanna do, whenever you wanna do it and stay out as late as you wanna stay out! You've finally gotten your freedom! Then you decide to get married...and you're right back to being 16 years old again!

Remember, marriage is not about you anymore. Marriage is truly about being a servant to your spouse. It's about two people becoming one. And when it's time to make important decisions you should want your spouse's opinions. I think it's crazy how some marriages work. I've literally heard of people coming home and telling their spouse they quit their jobs, brought a new car or have decided to go back to school and I'm sure the list could go on and on. To me that's beyond disrespectful. Things like quiting your jobs, buying a new car, going back to school, etc. should be discussed with your spouse before YOU (remember marriage isn't about "you") decide to go out and do it. And just like a kid, sometimes you're not gonna get your way but MAN UP! You're not a kid anymore and where else in life do you get your way all the time? Nowhere. So why would you expect to get your way all the time in your marraige? I tell folk all the that if you wanna do something and your spouse is cool with it...give them the biggest hug ever and enjoy this moment cause 9 times outta 10 most couples don't agree on much of anything. Now again, I'm not saying EVERY couple disagree about decisions but it's a problem for a lot of marriages. And the bigger problem is how to compromise during these decisions.

Now, how do you compromise? To me a good compromise starts when someone start feeling a certain way about an issue. Let's say a husband wants to quit his job because he hates it. The first thing is the husband should start sharing his feeling about his job with his wife. A lot of spouses get caught off guard with these big life changing decisions because they may have no idea you don't even like your job.

And this is off topic but like my Pastor says, "I'll throw this one in for free". In my opinion, you don't quit a job because you hate it. I'm sure at least 80% of americans hate their job but they just don't get up and quit! Our parents probably hated their jobs too but they just didn't quit! You don't quit a job without having something else lined up because you don't like it. You could quit a job you didn't like when you were in high school and college, not when you have a wife, a mortgage and tuition! Just my two cents for free.

Aiight, now back to the program...so, for the husband who wants to quit his job, the 1st thing he should be thinking about is how is this gonna affect my family. Do I have a plan B? Should I look for another job befoe I just quit this one? If you take a minute and take a step back, and think about the issue and pray about the issues, you may be able to shut down your ideas of quiting your job or at least coming up with a solution before taking it to your wife. More couples have to learn to be supportive of each other. We have to remember to provide our spouses a loving enviornment when they want to come talk to us. No one wants to discuss something with a spouse who's just gonna shut you down from the door without even listening to what you have to say. And most people wanna at least hear a plan. Not just I wanna quit my job, but maybe I wanna quit my job and this is how I'm gonna make up the money from the job I'm quiting, and this is the plan for me to get another job and this is the plan of what I'm gonna do in the meantime.

And for the wife listening, you should be thinking about how you can support your husband. Maybe you can do some overtime at your job to start saving some extra money so if you BOTH decide it's ok that he quits his job, you'll have some extra money in the savings to hold ya'll down while he's not working or helping him with his resume and helping him look for a new job. Remember, once you get married, you become part of a team. And there's nothing better then when as a husband and wife, you guys come up with a plan ya'll both agree with.

The key to a good compromise is the same as the key for a good marriage, which is each person putting the other person first. You know how married couples say they hate seeing a brand new couple in love? That new couple in love isn't even thinking about themselves. When you first fall in love all you care about is being with that person and what you can do to make that person smile. But after a good 2-5 years of marriage, the LAST thing on your mind is helping that person and putting their needs first. So, we gotta reverse it like John Witherspoon said in Boomerang and the next time there's an issue in the air or your spouse comes at you with a decision, or you're thinking about making a decision on your own, let's try to think about our spouse's needs above our own and try to learn how to perfect this whole compromising thing.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What do you do when your partner is ready to get married, but you still enjoy your space.

 Dr. Roz's thoughts!
Now this is a great question! I remember when I was engaged, I lived by myself for the first time ( always had roommates because I was in school) and absolutely loved it! I loved only having to take care of me all day! If I didn't feel like making dinner and had a bowl of cereals for dinner that was a good day! lol Only doing my laundry, grocery shopping for me, buying whatever I wanted were the good ole days! However, I would not trade sharing life with my hubby for any of that! Really cereal, shopping, only worrying about myself is not appealing at all when I think about having a strong support system, some one to share my life with, someone to care for me when I am sick, and someone to tell me that they appreciate me regularly! Now don't get me wrong, there are some habits of my hubby that I can do without and I'm sure he feels the same way about me, but those habits are also the flaws of his that I can't live without either. So if this brother or sister wants to marry you and it's an appropriate relationship ( you are treated you well, supported, loved, provided for) , I say go for the gusto! If they get on your nerves that much, designate a man cave and a lady's lounge in your home for those days when you do not want to be bother. By all means, if you want to marry this person and they want to marry you, don't let space be an issue! Space can't support you, help you build a family, nor keep you warm at night!

Kil's Perspective

I think the most important thing is to be honest with your partner. I think you'll have to stress to your partner that you not being ready to get married doesn't have anything to do with how you feel about him but it being about you. I can't front, he may "listen" to what you're saying but not "hear" what you're saying. And what I mean by that is sometimes words get lost in the air and our spouses/partners hear what they wanna hear, not truly what we're saying. It's to the point that when Tee & I are talking about something I start the convo off with my "thesis statement is..." so she understands exactly what's the moral of the convo so she doesn't get sidetracked by what she THINKS I'm saying. I think you need to start your convo off the same way so he can understand exactly how you feel. All I can say is you don't want to except someone's marriage proposal and you're truly not ready to get married. It may hurt your boyfriend's feelings that you're not ready yet but it would hurt him even more to find out he's engaged to someone who's not ready for him. Good looking for the question!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Foolin' Around


Soooo...why do married men cheat? So many answers, I don't know where to begin. First let's break down men in 3 categories. The first category is the married man who wanted to marry their wives. Meaning they didn't have to have their arm twisted or threatened into proposing. They wanted to propose on their own. The second category are the men who married their wives because of an ultimatum, which means they really weren't ready or really didn't wanna get married. And the third category is the married man, who wanted to marry his wife and thought he could settle down but realized he can't. Now that we have those 3 categories out the way...my answers are (in no particular order) as follows:

Most men aren't raised being taught about committment. The average man (and every man is different so all my answers are going to deal with the average dude) is taught to have sex with as many women as possible and 9 times outta 10, that's exactly what we set out to do. I can remember being at Morgan State with my peeps and dudes actually having the names and numbers of how many women they had sex with by the year! Men wear the number of women we've had sex with like a woman wears a brand new pair of stilettos...with pride. So, it's hard to take a dude from having sex with 20-30 chicks a year to a mere 1.

Now, for the men in the 1st category, the ones who wanted to marry their wives, (who I think is the average married man) I don't think he wants to cheat on his wife. But if he is cheating, there's probably something missing in the marriage and someone else is satisfying that need. And the majority of the time what's missing is usually sex. See, women have to understand men a little better. When we (men) were in high school, we were just happy to be getting some, so the chicks we were sleeping with in high school didn't have to put in too much work to please us. She didn't have to wear lingerie and role play and do 100 different positions, we were just happy to not be virgins anymore and being able to join in the "we're having sex" convos with the rest of our friends. Then we get to college and now it becomes about numbers and how many women we can sleep with. And we may get a ‘lil freakier and learn a couple of more positions but we're still happy to just be getting some. But then everything changes when we get married. Now we want and need some tricks. We want some role playing, some lingerie, some stripping, etc. cause now it's just the two of us...forever. There's no new chick after the club this weekend or no bangin’ our secretary during our lunch break. Now, I know most women probably have thought, "well my last boyfriend didn't need all of these tricks" but 9 times outta 10 your ex-boyfriend was cheating on you so he didn't need any extras cause he was getting his "extras" somewhere else. See, it's not always just about a man wanting sex, but how a man likes his sex. And I know this is putting a lot of pressure on women but that's part of the game and ya'll need to understand that. So, if your husband falls in this category (but truth be told, you really probably don't know what category he's in) you not only have to give him sex but you gotta make sure you're giving him the sex the way he wants.

Now for category #2, if your husband is cheating it could be for an array of reasons because you gave him an ultimatum to marry you in the first place. Industry rule #4,080 for the single ladies, NEVER try to get a man to do something as important as marrying you if he's not ready to. If you're ready to get married, and your man isn't, YOU make the decision to either stay in the relationship or bounce but to tell a man to marry me or else, in my opinion I believe you’re playing yourself and you deserve better. You deserve a man who wants to marry you without any threats, ultimatums, etc.

Now for the 3rd category, which is the cat who thought he could settle down but realizes he can't settle down (who in my opinion is NOT the average married man...just my opinion) he can cheat for any reason under the sun also. Even if everything is PERFECT in the marriage he may still dip out on you because at the end of the day one woman probably can't satisfy his sexual appetite. I had a convo with my homegirl once and she said it wouldn't matter how many women her fiance had sex with and I told her she better recognize and realize that if your fiance is 26 and has had sex with over 50 women (which really isn't that high a number) do you REALLY think with a sexual appetite like that, he'll be good with just 1 woman? And I know ALL women think their shot is like a slice of heaven and will make a man forget about all 60 of those other women but no matter how good your "sunshine" is, he’s not forgetting all those other chicks.

So, that's the beginning of my thoughts on why men cheat because I could talk about this topics for days and I'm sure Roz and I will revisit this topic plenty of more times throughout the life of this blog. But no matter what category your husband falls in, I think the key to a faithful marriage is God and communication, so spend some time in the word with your spouse and have a heart to heart with ‘em too...

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Bag Lady: Bringing Old baggage into your New Relationship!

The Blacks
We all remember the Eryka Badu jam "Bag Lady" and you are probably singing it in your head right now as you are reading this! That song was such a hit with everyone because you were probably in a relationship with someone with those characteristics or you had to look at yourself and realize that you were the bag lady or man!

When we carry our old experiences into our new relationships, neglect to take the time to evaluate what we learned about ourselves in the old relationship, or realized what we will not accept from our old relationships moving into our new relationships, there is bound to be some baggage! Often times we do not take the time out to do some introspection and look at our flaws. It's so much easier to place the blame on someone else because that's how we defend ourselves from dealing with the uncomfortableness of our mess! As a result, you begin to create tension in your relationship because you are judging your new mate off of an emotion that you felt in your last relationship that has nothing to do with your new mate at all. Emotions are a choice and no one can make you feel a certain way. Whether you have realized it or not, You control how you feel!

Your last mate cheated on you and the first time your new mate does something that resembles what your last mate did, you go to that emotional place, put up your gaurd and you are ready to duke it out with an unsuspecting mate that's now looking at you like "You have Issues"! Truth be told, you do have issues, we all do, it's human nature! As long as you keep participating in different experiences, you will continue to add to the story of your life! However as we mature, we have to be able to look at the lessons from  the past and either let them be our guide to something better or allow them to keep us stuck in a relationship that happened 20 years ago and that person has long since moved on from you!

We have to start looking at ourselves whether it's good or bad and strive for personal growth. The more you invest in yourself to be better, the more able you will be able to function appropriately in a healthy relationship! Introspection should be a quarterly ordeal because we are always changing! Check in with yourself more, work on you and everything else will fall in place!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How Much Time Should you Invest in your Relationship?

The Blacks
This week's question is an interesting question! When you talk to most couples about their relationship, they will simultaneously say, "It's a lot of Work"! Well of course it is, you are merging two completely different lives into one, you can't expect for that to be easy at all. There are two different personalities, attitudes, likes and dislikes and emotional experiences. When you combine all of those elements, you have to manage it as well.

It's just like two companies merging together into one, there are a lot of "what use to take place" issues that do not serve an adequate function for the merger of the two companies, so you have to get rid of those issues! The companies have to work it out in order for the unified company to gain success! This is no different in our relationships! You have to look at the parts of you that are unproductive for the functioning of the relationship and make a decision on whether this is something that you will let go for the good of the relationship! Now the problem with this, is that we all think that we are doing so well in our relationships and when their is friction it's the other person's fault. When we realize that it's our craziness that may be damaging the relationship, it's too hard to look at ourselves and make a change! Blaming someone else is much easier to do!

So let's talk about blame, if the other person is constantly being blamed in the relationship, then you have to equally look at yourself as well. People will only treat you the way that you allow them to treat you! So if the other person is always the blame for something, then at some point, you must not have set a standard up front in the relationship that left the message that you will not tolerate that type of behavior. My point is this, we all play a part in our relationship drama, you have to be emotionally mature to look at the role that you play in your relationship and truly evaluate if you are giving the relationship your all!

In order to maintain your career, you have to put the effort in, I'm always confused when people do not want to put the effort into someone that you consider as family, your companion, your best friend, your help mate, your lover, the mother or father of your child, I mean your emergency contact person! (You see that I can go on and on). If this person plays such an important role in your life, it shouldn't be that hard to invest the time into making this relationship work! So my answer to this question is to spend as much time as it takes to to have your relationship functioning appropriately!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How Much Time Should We Invest In Our Marriage?


How much time should you put into your marriage? That's easy...more time then you put into anything else! If you're a man, you need to put more time into your marriage then you spend watching sports, playing fantasy football, playing 30 and over basketball, flag football, writing rhymes, making beats, playing Xbox and PS3, etc. Women you need to put more time in your marriage then you spend trying to lose weight, talking on the phone, watching everything from Dancing with the Stars to the Real Housewives (of any city), shopping, gossiping, etc. And both of you need to spend more time working on your marriage then BOTH of you spend on facebook!

In one of our church's bible institute marriage classes I heard an analogy about marriage that has stayed with me all these years. The teachers of the class said that marriage is like an ATM/bank. In order to get money out of the bank, you would have had to put some money in the bank. Too many of us are looking to get great things out of our marriage, but we're not putting anything into them. If we know we don't have any money in the bank, do we even bother to go? So why do we expect so much out of our marriage when we aren't putting anything in them? The problem is individually we think we're putting the time, effort and energy into our marriages WE think they need but do we ever check in with our spouse and ask them do THEY feel like we're doing a good job? The same way we check our bank account online to balance our checkbook and make sure everything is the way we THINK it is, we need to do a check in with our spouses.

Our marriages and families are investments and we should want to put time into them. We seem to naturally invest time and money in our children whether it's sports, exrtracuriculum activities or education. But we have to invest even more time and money into our marriages. Every year our church has a marriage retreat and every year Tee and I are like "we should go" but every year something happens and money is tight or just nonexistent and we've never gone in 10 years! But guess what? Money is always tight! But we make time and find money for the things we really want to do because money is always tight but if Sade's new tour was coming to town or the white/grey Jordan III's were being re-released trust I would move some money around to make it happen. But when it comes to marriage conferences and retreats, obviously I'm frontin on them even though I know it would be a blessing to our marriage, I don't move money around to make them happen. See, one of the blessings about this blog is it's not Roz and I talking at ya'll, but it's Roz and I sharing with ya'll what we've learned and also taking our own advice at the same time for our own marriages! So, that being said, let's start spending more time investing in our marriages and Tee and I will mos def make our church’s marriage retreat next year!

Dr. Roz and Kil: "Nobody Will Fall Cause Everyone Will Be Each Other's Crutches"


"Nobody Will Fall Cause Everyone Will Be Each Other's Crutches" - Jay Z

That's one of my fav Jay Z lines because to me it explains how our marriages and friendship should work. We need to share our stories with other people. Our successes, our failures, our accomplishments, how we got through things, etc. so that the next person will have an easier road then some of us had. But truth be told, that doesn't happen. We keep everything to ourselves so that we can keep up this facade that "we're good" But while we think "we're good", others are hurting and we're not doing anything to help them. My god mother is putting together a book called "Women Reaching Women" and it's a DOPE idea! If God leads you to assist with this project, PLEASE do so. I truly believe this will help not only women, but marriages and families across the world! Check out her explanation of the what the book is about:

Have you ever read a book that really encouraged you? Did it give you hope in a time of great need? Well, you have the opportunity to encourage and offer hope to others. Women Reaching Women will compile a book of short stories to inspire and encourage women. Women share similar stories with one another. What you've gone through and been delivered from, others may be in the midst of going through. Your story may encourage someone else. As women, we experience many hurts, our history of difficult experiences, our marriages through adultery, abuse, abandonment, or our families with wayward children. For whatever reason, most women do not feel comfortable sharing their stories face-to-face. So to maximize our ability to help someone else, each narrative will be written anonymously. Each story will open with “To my Sister in Christ” and end with “From your Sister in Christ.” Since our goal is to encourage and inspire, we are looking for a faith-filled ending, of how the Lord brought you through it, or what’s keeping you as you are going through it, or even how you are holding on and trusting the Lord to eventually bring you through it. We want to leave every reader with hope. Your story should be written short and to the point, with no more than 3 pages typed, 12 point and double spaced. You may also choose to write it out (printed and neat) to be typed for you. Stories may be submitted by e-mail to wrwheart2heart@yahoo.com, CD, or typed copy mailed (with or without a return address) directly to:

Marie Tucker
3 Trinity Turn
Willingboro, NJ 08046

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3,4)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Things We Buy To Cover Up What's Inside


"The things we buy to cover up what's inside." - Kanye West

When Tee and I first got engaged she set out on a mission to clean up her credit. I was like "who cares about your credit?!?!" Now, years later I can understand why she was doing it but at that time the LAST thing on my mind was her credit. But her thing was she didn't want to come into this marriage with her credit messed up and then it would mess up our credit. Make sense right? And what Tee did with her credit, we all need to do. But not just with our credit and the issues on the surface but we gotta start going deeper and start cleaning up what's inside of us so we don't bring our messed up selves into our brand new marriage.

 Now I know what I'm saying is easier said than done but it really needs to be done. A lot of marriages are failing because of the hoopla inside of us that we've never gotten rid of and both spouses are bringing it into their marriages and this stuff is killing us. A lot of people may not even know they have so many issues inside of them, some dating back to childhood but come on ya'll...we gotta start digging deep with what's going on so we can start fixing us individually and then start fixing our marriages.

Now, I know the next question is "well Kil, how do we dig deep?" And my answer is a double jawn. The first thing you've got to do is pray and ask God to reveal your short comings to you as well as how to move past them. Secondly, go get some counseling! I know how black folk are about counseling but we need it ya'll! Counseling has truly helped my marriage and helped me understand myself better. There were so many issues I had going on inside of me and I didn't realize these issues weren't only holding me back from growing but they were affecting my marriage in a negative way.

For some reason folk don't wanna look in the mirror and really look inside themselves and see how THEY may be the ones affecting their marriage in a negative way. But as long as we don't deal with these issues inside us, our marriages will continue to have to deal with the same issues. And I truly don't wanna be the reason why my marriage has any more issues then it needs! My challenge for the week? Let's attempt to find a shortcoming within our selves and start working on how to overcome it. And the key word is "start" working on how to overcome it. Cause if you can find a shortcoming AND overcome it in a week...you need to be writing this blog not me and Roz! Lol...

Friday, September 3, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Selflessness in Relationships

The Blacks
I can honestly say that this week’s topic was probably the hardest one for me to write because I had to really take a look at myself and think about how I have been functioning in my marriage. By saying that, I don’t know how my husband even married me! (lol) From the moment I met him, I prioritized things in my life that I thought were more important! When he asked me to be his “girlfriend”, my response was, “well I’m in school and if you understand that school is very important to me and comes first, then we can give it a try”! Now how ridiculous is that, knowing what I know now about my husband, I should have been thanking God, doing a holy ghost dance, and kissing his parents feet for bringing him into this world! I could not have asked for a better mate, but my selfishness sometimes tells a very different story!

Anyone that knows me personally, will tell you that I will give you the shirt off my back, so like Kil, I thought that I was a pretty giving person and no one could truly accuse me of being selfish! However, I started to evaluate my actions and realized that to people that I do not have to live with, may very well agree that I am not selfish, but to the one man that is surrounded by my flaws, may have a very different perspective!

A week before I was married, I decided to tell my husband that I had decided to live in another state to complete my post-doc residency, without consulting with him at all. I mean I signed a contract, renewed the lease on my town home, all before I even sat down with this man to ask for his opinion! (Can y’all believe he married me anyway, nothing but God people). My justification was that, we are not married and I have to look out for me, but he soon made me realize that the moment I accepted his proposal I was making a commitment to learn how to become a wife to him as well as he would learn how to become a husband to me and it was no longer about just me! (Four years later, can we Thank God for growth, can you imagine how miserable this man would be if I was still functioning in the realm of “it’s all about me”)!

The reality about relationships is that we just function and we never really think about checking in to see how our behaviours may affect our mate. Thinking that you are a selfless person means nothing if it is not confirmed by the person that you are in a relationship with. We can lie to ourselves really well, but we are not the one on the receiving end of the selfish acts! Moreover, sometimes the lie about who we think we are is so believable to ourselves that we never fact check with our mates to see just how delusional we can be about our actions! (Lol) So, my challenge to you my friends is to really look at yourself and your actions and try to become a more selfless individual! After all if we are striving to be like Christ or whoever your God may be, then this really should be something that we are consciously working on anyway!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Follower's Question: Is this Blog for Single People TOO!

Photo by Tusamba Carter
 Is this Blog for Single People

ABSOLUTELY! This blog is for anyone who wants to function in a healthy relationship at some point in their lives. Whether you are married, single, engaged, or enjoying the relationship with yourself. Of ten times we do not think about how we function in our relationships and because someone is attractive to us, we rush in to see how the relationship will benefit us. Our purpose for writing this blog is to bring awareness to how we function in relationships. Attraction is great, but it does not sustain a relationship! There has to be substance to keep you committed to each other and here on this blog we want to show you how to sustain your relationship by understanding the differences between men and women! I believe in preparation and what better way to prepare yourself than to try to understand why we function in the way that we do! So absolutely, this blog is for everyone! We want to help everyone reach their full potential in your relationships!