Monday, September 13, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Foolin' Around

Soooo...why do married men cheat? So many answers, I don't know where to begin. First let's break down men in 3 categories. The first category is the married man who wanted to marry their wives. Meaning they didn't have to have their arm twisted or threatened into proposing. They wanted to propose on their own. The second category are the men who married their wives because of an ultimatum, which means they really weren't ready or really didn't wanna get married. And the third category is the married man, who wanted to marry his wife and thought he could settle down but realized he can't. Now that we have those 3 categories out the answers are (in no particular order) as follows:

Most men aren't raised being taught about committment. The average man (and every man is different so all my answers are going to deal with the average dude) is taught to have sex with as many women as possible and 9 times outta 10, that's exactly what we set out to do. I can remember being at Morgan State with my peeps and dudes actually having the names and numbers of how many women they had sex with by the year! Men wear the number of women we've had sex with like a woman wears a brand new pair of stilettos...with pride. So, it's hard to take a dude from having sex with 20-30 chicks a year to a mere 1.

Now, for the men in the 1st category, the ones who wanted to marry their wives, (who I think is the average married man) I don't think he wants to cheat on his wife. But if he is cheating, there's probably something missing in the marriage and someone else is satisfying that need. And the majority of the time what's missing is usually sex. See, women have to understand men a little better. When we (men) were in high school, we were just happy to be getting some, so the chicks we were sleeping with in high school didn't have to put in too much work to please us. She didn't have to wear lingerie and role play and do 100 different positions, we were just happy to not be virgins anymore and being able to join in the "we're having sex" convos with the rest of our friends. Then we get to college and now it becomes about numbers and how many women we can sleep with. And we may get a ‘lil freakier and learn a couple of more positions but we're still happy to just be getting some. But then everything changes when we get married. Now we want and need some tricks. We want some role playing, some lingerie, some stripping, etc. cause now it's just the two of us...forever. There's no new chick after the club this weekend or no bangin’ our secretary during our lunch break. Now, I know most women probably have thought, "well my last boyfriend didn't need all of these tricks" but 9 times outta 10 your ex-boyfriend was cheating on you so he didn't need any extras cause he was getting his "extras" somewhere else. See, it's not always just about a man wanting sex, but how a man likes his sex. And I know this is putting a lot of pressure on women but that's part of the game and ya'll need to understand that. So, if your husband falls in this category (but truth be told, you really probably don't know what category he's in) you not only have to give him sex but you gotta make sure you're giving him the sex the way he wants.

Now for category #2, if your husband is cheating it could be for an array of reasons because you gave him an ultimatum to marry you in the first place. Industry rule #4,080 for the single ladies, NEVER try to get a man to do something as important as marrying you if he's not ready to. If you're ready to get married, and your man isn't, YOU make the decision to either stay in the relationship or bounce but to tell a man to marry me or else, in my opinion I believe you’re playing yourself and you deserve better. You deserve a man who wants to marry you without any threats, ultimatums, etc.

Now for the 3rd category, which is the cat who thought he could settle down but realizes he can't settle down (who in my opinion is NOT the average married man...just my opinion) he can cheat for any reason under the sun also. Even if everything is PERFECT in the marriage he may still dip out on you because at the end of the day one woman probably can't satisfy his sexual appetite. I had a convo with my homegirl once and she said it wouldn't matter how many women her fiance had sex with and I told her she better recognize and realize that if your fiance is 26 and has had sex with over 50 women (which really isn't that high a number) do you REALLY think with a sexual appetite like that, he'll be good with just 1 woman? And I know ALL women think their shot is like a slice of heaven and will make a man forget about all 60 of those other women but no matter how good your "sunshine" is, he’s not forgetting all those other chicks.

So, that's the beginning of my thoughts on why men cheat because I could talk about this topics for days and I'm sure Roz and I will revisit this topic plenty of more times throughout the life of this blog. But no matter what category your husband falls in, I think the key to a faithful marriage is God and communication, so spend some time in the word with your spouse and have a heart to heart with ‘em too...


Anonymous said...

Great insight! Good to know from a male's perspective.

I'm not married, nor in a relationship, but I love this blog.

I do however have many married friends and they would say and I (from the outside looking in) that their mates would fall in category 2 or 3. We now have an inclination as to why, is there a remedy?

sam said...

I'm all about solutions too. I suspect one remedy is related to Kil's comments on relaying on God. Of course He can provide for us in whatever capacity we need, but that doesn't always necessarily feel good or the way we think it should be.

One solution is to strive for intimacy versus sex. Another is to make sure that we continue to date or pursue each other...if you have kids - we've got to make sure we get someone to take care of them while we continue dating at least 1-2 a month. My daughter is four, and we've only been on 2 dates in four years and one of those dates, she was with us!

Communication - (i'm talking to myself now) how often do we REALLY tell our lovers what and how we feel. I personally am hesitant to always explore what's on the inside because it may not come out right or it might lead to an argument, and I'd rather spend time in peace. But it's never too late to start doing the right thing.

Anonymous said...

I can only giggle at the mention of 50, 60, or 100 women, for it most certainly is not a high number. If we encouraged one another to refer to the bible’s time-honored wisdom when addressing our modern day problems, we would all develop better appreciation for King Solomon. Solomon accumulated enormous wealth and power. Kings I records that he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Of this “breadth” of sunshine, he speaks highly of 1) Queen of Sheba (his most intellectual compliment, for she understood economic trade, she asked him questions and riddles, and she admired his wisdom), and 2) the vinedresser, whom Solomon experienced the greatest “depth” of love with, so much so that he dedicated an entire bible book to her, the “Song of Songs.” The Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon) is a book about a deeper love, marriage, and its physical expression. It teaches us that one can never quench their thirst for lust by conquering numbers, but by only loving and committing deeply to one person. Solomon died in Jerusalem after 40 years as ruler of Israel; his legacy provides a roadmap for each of us to focus on intimate love and loyalty not on conquest. I’ve yet to meet a man or a woman who was even remotely come close to Solomon’s mighty “1,000“(maybe in their own minds they did but trust not in real life). Whenever I hear someone bragging about their number of conquests or casually mentioning that they cheat on their spouse, I find myself torn between praying that God will continue to work on them so that someday they may experience genuine love from a parent, spouse, child or another loved one, laughing out loud at their misperception that somehow this is a bragging right rather than a curse upon his family’s inheritance (ooh, he was right on the BRINK of success when it all came tumbling down, wonder what happened?), and trembling in disbelief cuz out of their mouth they may say “I am cheating on my wife,” but what my ears hear them say is “I just potted all over myself and I can’t clean it off of me.”

Guess which reaction they always see on my face...........?

Anonymous said...

I think you're right on point Kil. You're saying what alot of people either haven't realized or are afraid to say. And it's alot deeper than this, of course, but that's a hell of a start. I'll follow this blog for more.

Anonymous said...

Man!!! It's hard out there bro and I think married men struggle with these sexual demons everyday. But, I think that some men do it as an ego booster. We've all done things in the past to satisfy our sex drive and being married definitely forces you to suppress that urge. To have another female show interest in you let's you know that you still "got it." Those that cheat want to make sure that they can still satisfy more than one woman.


Anonymous said...

My thoughts... buckle up ladies! Women are also responsible at times for a cheating husband. Hear me out - I can personally GUARANTEE EVERY married couple a life of happiness and success relative to there marriage with one statement. "Try to out-please one another". If a husband is studying his wife to know what she likes how she like it, what she dosnt like, what buttons not to push etc etc and a wife is doing the same, there will never be any reason for arguing cheating or things that could potentially lead to divorce. But to stay on topic, some men are ignorant of laws. i.e. the law of gravity implies: if im holding a book and let it go... IT WILL FALL to the floor. The law of seed time and harvest is what they lack understanding of. This law implies that what i sow in one season i will reap in another(if not that same season). Some are more familiar with "Karma", "what goes around comes around", which relatively means the same exact thing. Now guys that cheat need to firstly understand that they are sowing a seed that they really want no parts of once the harvest rolls around, Read the book of Matthew. But if a wife if not making time to sexually satisfy her husband she is also guilty to a greater or lesser degree for that infidelity. Get to know your partner so we wont have to be concerned with cheating. and the other guys or girl that just cant commit seek counseling from a trust worthy church.


Kil said...

Wow! GREAT POINTS!!!! You need to come teach a class with Roz and I! I've been telling women this SAME EXACT thing for years and they look at me like I'm crazy but we all play a part in the rise or the fall of our marriages and families! But a lot of folk don't believe me. Like I always say, you're gonna pay now or pay later, and paying later always costs a lot more. Thanks SO much for your comments

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