Sunday, September 19, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: I Did It My Way

Sometimes marriage reminds me of being a kid. It's literally like you've gotta get permission for almost everything you do. I can remember being a kid trying to convince my moms to buy me a pair of Jordans for $140 (which in '88 was BANANAS for a pair of sneakers) and now I find myself doing the same as an adult! Whether it's still a pair of Jordans some 22 years later (what can I say? I'm a sneaker head!) or a $400 PS3...I gotta check with wifey first. I think compromising is one of the hardest things about marriage.

As a kid, your main thing usually is, "I can't wait to grow up so I can do what I wanna do". Then you graduate high school and go off to college or move out your people's hosue and now you're finally on your own and you can do whatever you wanna do, whenever you wanna do it and stay out as late as you wanna stay out! You've finally gotten your freedom! Then you decide to get married...and you're right back to being 16 years old again!

Remember, marriage is not about you anymore. Marriage is truly about being a servant to your spouse. It's about two people becoming one. And when it's time to make important decisions you should want your spouse's opinions. I think it's crazy how some marriages work. I've literally heard of people coming home and telling their spouse they quit their jobs, brought a new car or have decided to go back to school and I'm sure the list could go on and on. To me that's beyond disrespectful. Things like quiting your jobs, buying a new car, going back to school, etc. should be discussed with your spouse before YOU (remember marriage isn't about "you") decide to go out and do it. And just like a kid, sometimes you're not gonna get your way but MAN UP! You're not a kid anymore and where else in life do you get your way all the time? Nowhere. So why would you expect to get your way all the time in your marraige? I tell folk all the that if you wanna do something and your spouse is cool with it...give them the biggest hug ever and enjoy this moment cause 9 times outta 10 most couples don't agree on much of anything. Now again, I'm not saying EVERY couple disagree about decisions but it's a problem for a lot of marriages. And the bigger problem is how to compromise during these decisions.

Now, how do you compromise? To me a good compromise starts when someone start feeling a certain way about an issue. Let's say a husband wants to quit his job because he hates it. The first thing is the husband should start sharing his feeling about his job with his wife. A lot of spouses get caught off guard with these big life changing decisions because they may have no idea you don't even like your job.

And this is off topic but like my Pastor says, "I'll throw this one in for free". In my opinion, you don't quit a job because you hate it. I'm sure at least 80% of americans hate their job but they just don't get up and quit! Our parents probably hated their jobs too but they just didn't quit! You don't quit a job without having something else lined up because you don't like it. You could quit a job you didn't like when you were in high school and college, not when you have a wife, a mortgage and tuition! Just my two cents for free.

Aiight, now back to the, for the husband who wants to quit his job, the 1st thing he should be thinking about is how is this gonna affect my family. Do I have a plan B? Should I look for another job befoe I just quit this one? If you take a minute and take a step back, and think about the issue and pray about the issues, you may be able to shut down your ideas of quiting your job or at least coming up with a solution before taking it to your wife. More couples have to learn to be supportive of each other. We have to remember to provide our spouses a loving enviornment when they want to come talk to us. No one wants to discuss something with a spouse who's just gonna shut you down from the door without even listening to what you have to say. And most people wanna at least hear a plan. Not just I wanna quit my job, but maybe I wanna quit my job and this is how I'm gonna make up the money from the job I'm quiting, and this is the plan for me to get another job and this is the plan of what I'm gonna do in the meantime.

And for the wife listening, you should be thinking about how you can support your husband. Maybe you can do some overtime at your job to start saving some extra money so if you BOTH decide it's ok that he quits his job, you'll have some extra money in the savings to hold ya'll down while he's not working or helping him with his resume and helping him look for a new job. Remember, once you get married, you become part of a team. And there's nothing better then when as a husband and wife, you guys come up with a plan ya'll both agree with.

The key to a good compromise is the same as the key for a good marriage, which is each person putting the other person first. You know how married couples say they hate seeing a brand new couple in love? That new couple in love isn't even thinking about themselves. When you first fall in love all you care about is being with that person and what you can do to make that person smile. But after a good 2-5 years of marriage, the LAST thing on your mind is helping that person and putting their needs first. So, we gotta reverse it like John Witherspoon said in Boomerang and the next time there's an issue in the air or your spouse comes at you with a decision, or you're thinking about making a decision on your own, let's try to think about our spouse's needs above our own and try to learn how to perfect this whole compromising thing.


Anonymous said...

Wonderful topic! I think the most difficult thing with relationships is the "we" aspect of it as opposed to "i." Whenever you and your girl start beefin' it's really easy to be selfish and not want to talk about it. Believe me I know! You can no longer do it your way. If you want to have a healthy relationship you have to get her opinion. I have had a ton of conversations with wifey having to do with some form of neglect. I think that men in general feel like if we need to get the ok from our significant other for any reason then we have boundaries. Though this is true, the fact of the matter is that we don't like boundaries. With boundaries we feel like less of a man. Which goes back to what you initially said kil about the whole high school, college thing. We feel like we are mature enough to make rationale decisions on our own. Not saying that it's necessarily right its just in our nature.


Kil said...

Good looking on the reply fam! Yup...coming together as a team isn't an easy thing at all. You can have the best looking team on paper (a couple who LOOKS like they've got it going on) and they not even make the playoffs! Look at the Miami Heat...on paper they look like they shouldn't lose more then 20 games all year. Jeff Van Gundy has them only losing 10 games! But even though they have all of that talent, if they can't come together as a's all useless.

Anonymous said...

So here is my 3 cents, As a "Christian" in this day and age we have lost sight of what God intended when he instituted this thing call marriage. Let's get some back up for what i'm saying. The bible instructs us to love our Wives as Christ loved the church. We (men) are the leaders of our union, it is our responsibility to be accountable firstly, in order to be a good leader. Now im not trying to get all spookly religious on yall but thats just real talk. How was the church loved... its called "agape" - defined as unconditional love. I say all that to say this; every marriage is different there has to be an established understanding in the beginning with regrades to whats acceptable or whats not. Another key point is that everyone is usually in a different place or state in life (financially) which is why these term should be agreed upon from the start. Purchasing a 750 BMW to one may be like buying a pack of skittles to another, now to most that may be a bit extreme but, you understand the concept. "Feeling like your in high school again" one could argue that, this should have a person questioning how they truly exhibit real agape/ honor for there wife... or shall I say spouse in general. So I thing the most important thing is principle. Knowing your spouse and honoring agreements that are set.

This is off topic but why did anonymous sign the end of his message... lol I'll follow suit.


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