Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Questions

Nay and I chillin' @ a 76ers Game

What's good peoples? It's been a CRAZY two weeks over here at Til Death Do Us Part. First and foremost, my PNC (Partner in Crime) Roz has been under the wether so that's why there wasn't a Female Friday last week, so ya'll are stuck with me to answer the questions that came in last week. We've been blessed to go from getting one question a week to the 7 that came in last week! So, keep the questions coming and we're also adding another tab to the page called "The Prayer List". We're praying that this blog will become a community where everyone from married folk to single folk can come and get information and share about what they're dealing with and going through but also successes of things they've overcome and share how they were able to overcome them so the rest of us can learn how to overcome similiar obstacles. So, if your marriage and/or family need prayer, you're more then welcome to post it under the "Prayer List" tab. Get as specific as you would like or if you want you can just say "pray for the Jackson family" and we'll be able to sit back and watch God go to work. And when situations on the prayer list have gotten better PLEASE share that with us so we can all celebrate and see that God is still in the blessing business. Well, here are the questions of the week...

Should I be concerned if my boyfriend/fiancé’ has been with a lot (100+) women in his past?

Yup…you should be concerned with the number of women he's been with. Before me and Tee got married our pastor MADE us tell each other how many people we were with and neither one of us wanted to know and he was like "why don't ya'll wanna know?" And we were like a number too high might scare us and he was like ya'll should be scared now rather than later. The funny thing is everyone I tell that story to (the pastor telling us to tell each other their number) EVERYBODY is like it's none of their (their fiancé’ or husband/wife's) business and I'm like what?!?!?! It's not their business? That's another reason why marriages don't last because of all the secrets that people come into to them with. My homeboy just got married and he was saying he didn't wanna know his fiancé’s numbers because whatever's in the past is in the past and won't affect their future and I'm like what if she used to be a prostitute and he just got DEAD QUIET! See, we THINK the past doesn't matter but it's almost like, it depends on what the past was...would you marry a dude who's the best thing since sliced bread if he was locked up for 10 years in the past? What if he used to be gay? What if he slept with 100 women? See, the number of women he slept with tells you A LOT about a man. If in 30 years he slept with 100 women...can he REALLY settle down? He might think he can settle down but men and the number of women we slept with is like deciding where to eat...when you're single you can try everything from McDonalds to Burger King to KFC to Red Lobster to Applebee’s and every eating spot in between and now all of a sudden he's going to go from all of that to just eating from one hot dog stand for the rest of his life!?!?!? That's a huge change and most men I know always use this same line about wanting to get married. "Man, it's about time I settle down"...that's because society tells us after a certain age we NEED to get married...not that he wants to get married but that he NEEDS to get married...there's a HUGE difference! So he says I'm 35, I need to settle down so I won't be the old man @ the club, he finds a nice girl and proposes, they get married and after a year, he's fiendin for some new chick because his wife is boring. Men, like a change in the bedroom...truth be told, watch "I Think I Love My Wife" by Chris Rock and that's what a lot of marriages are like. As a matter of fact, all of Chris Rock's comedy specials touch on all true facts about marriage. Now I'm sure there's a dude out there who's been with 80 women and is ready to settle down and be committed and there's a dude out there who's been with just 10 women and is ready to cheat on his wife with one of her bridesmaids at the reception! So don’t take everything I’m saying as an exact science. I think it's just important to know someone's past...could you imagine someone who doesn't know anything about hip hop or what goes on in hip hop circles and he meets Superhead and she never tells him about her past, and he marries her and then one day finds her book and finds out his wife and the mother of his child has given oral sex to over 300 men! Imagine what's going through his mind! The past is a part of who we are, so when you marry someone, you're marrying their past whether you believe it or not.

Many are embarrassed or afraid to unleash their sexual inhibitions and become proactive in the bedroom. How can one convince their partner to embrace creativity in the bedroom?

As with all things with marriage, it starts with communication. You should express to your partner the things you like in the bedroom and why you like them. I don't think a lot of marriages achieve the sexual fulfillment that God wants for us because of two things. #1 we don't talk about sex with each other and #2 because we don't know who we are ourselves sexually. In my opinion sex is 90% mental and 10% physical while most people think it's the opposite. If sex is 90% physical how do you explain wet dreams? How can people literally have an orgasm while just dreaming with no one touching them but say sex is more physical then mental? So when I said people don't know themselves sexually, I mean some people don't know what turns them on and that's key in having a healthy sex life. It's like not knowing how to get to the supermarket but you're driving in circles trying to get there. That's how most of us are in our sex lives with our spouses. Usually people who are sexually inhibited don't know what turns them on, which is why they're sexually inhibited and until a person really knows themselves sexually that person is missing out on taping into the mental aspect of sex and to me that's where the true fulfillment is. So, to wrap all of that up, talk to your partner about what you like and get your partner to try to do some diggin to see what gets him/her off and come together and make it happen. Also check out this book called "Super Sex" by Tracey Cox. It's a great book to read with your partner and it touches on A LOT things for you and your partner to understand your sexual make up better and to make sex more exciting. Also check out my homegirl's website for some things that might spice things up in the bedroom too!

What do you do if your partner has trouble with physical intimacy because of sexual trauma from their past and they reject all suggestions for help?

First things first, anyone dealing with sexual trauma NEEDS to seek some psychological help. I know you said they reject all suggestions of help but it's imperative that they seek some professional help. If they still don't want to seek any help after you've voiced that they should, you have to begin to pray for them. Pray that God will put it on their heart for them to go and get help. A lot of times we think we can change people's minds and hearts or because someone is our spouse, they should listen to us first and foremost. When a lot of times we need to take a step back and understand that we might be there just to plant the seed. And maybe once we begin to pray, God will change their heart and they'll seek out the help they need. But remember, don't give God a timeframe! Keep praying and talking to God about your spouse until their heart is moved. One thing I've learned in 10 years of marriage is we have to be patient with our spouses, especially when they're going through issues. So be patient and pray for your spouse. And when that breakthrough comes be sure to share it with us so we can celebrate with you!

When do you think is the best time for those who are dating (and discussing marriage) to meet each other's families/children?

I think it all depends on the couple when it comes to meeting family. I've known couples who once they become "exclusive" they meet each other's families and children which I think is cool. I think the most important aspect to look out for is the children. Too many people introduce their kids to any and everyone they're dating not thinking how this may affect the kid. Especially, when the person you're dating has kids also. Because then the children form a bond and then when you and that person doesn't work out now the kids are left thinking "where's my friend at?" And most times as adults we don't explain anything to the kids about why their friend isn't around anymore, and the kids are left to deal with it on their own. And after that happens a couple of times it really starts to affect the child. But if you two are talking about marriage it would be good for your children to meet the person you're thinking about marrying.

If my boyfriend states he isn't ready to meet my family but we're discussing marriage/having kids frequently, should I be concerned or is he just confused about what he really wants?

I would be concerned because if ya'll are talking about marriage but he doesn't wanna meet your peoples...that doesn't add up to me. Plus there's SO many different levels of "talking about marriage" and they mean different things to men and women. I know couples who say things like "when we get married and have kids blah, blah, blah" and that constitutes as "talking about marriage". To me that's not talking about marriage, that's just like talking about your hopes and dreams ! SERIOUSLY talking about marriage in my opinion are the BOTH of your ring shopping, if your church has a premarital class, you BOTH attending, if you're BOTH going to married couples seeking out advice, etc. But at the end of the day, only your boyfriend can tell you what's going on inside his head.

How much compromising should a boyfriend/girlfriend do in a relationship (over 6+ months) vs. a marriage? One would believe that a relationship is ideally leading to marriage, so should individuals start "practicing" their compromise/conflict resolution styles now OR should we expect the relationship to be easy breezy and if there are areas of conflict present this early should we exit?

Depends on what the compromises are. Is it a compromise of you wanting to go the Bahamas and he wants to do Jamaica, so ya'll do Cancun? Or a compromise like you don't want to live together before ya'll get married but he does and ya'll decide to move in? You're right that relationships should ideally lead to marriage but most of them don't. I'm always concerned when couples "act" married and people give up so much of themselves for someone who isn't their husband or wife. I've seen it and when that happens if the relationship doesn't work out the person who gave so much (usually the woman) now shuts down and in the next relationship she doesn't give as much and that cycle continues so by the times she does get married her husband gets short changed cause she's been playing the wife since she was 20 and a sophomore in college!

As far as "practicing" being married Tee and I didn't start "practicing" being married until we were engaged. And what I mean by practicing being married is getting in the habit of asking each other things like "do you mind if Jas comes through to play some Madden" so when we did get married it wouldn't be such a chore to ask things like that. And also putting our money into one account and getting in the habit of asking each other permission to buy things. That's how we practiced being married. It was more so just trying to get into the habit of asking permission for things. But again, that didn't happen until we were engaged.

I also don't think you should think the relationship should be easy and breezy because there's gonna be conflicts in all of our relationships whether it's friendships, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc but I'll tell you this, if you live in NYC and you get a great job offer in Cali and you want to take it and your boyfriend (not fiancé) doesn't want you to go, unless he gets on his Beyonce jawn and puts a ring on it, I think you should take that job opportunity!

What are the "red flags" that men and women should notice when dating the opposite sex?

The red flags depend on you. Because red flags for me or someone else might not be red flags for you. For example, I didn't like dating women who drink, so if I was out with a woman and while at dinner she's on her 8th glass of red wine...that's a red flag for me. But I know dudes who like their woman to drink so for one of my people's that's not a red flag. I say red flags are things that make you go "word"? Like this dude just called me a hoe..."word?" This dude just threw up all over me cause he got drunk at the bar..."word"? I just saw my man's ex-girlfriend leaving his house as I was coming in and now this dude is sleep..."word?" In my opinion, once you've decided I'm ready to get married (even if you're single) you need to get a top 5 list of what you want in a husband/wife and put them in order of what's the most important to you. And not the "he gotta make $100,000 and be 6'5" with a 6 pack and drive a benz" list but the "he's gotta have a relationship with God, he's gotta have ambition, I don't want him to drink, I don't want him to have more than 2 kids from 2 different women" list. Also put an asterisk by the ones that are not negotiable. For example, having a relationship with God may be a non negotiable, so he may have all of the other 4 things but if he don't know God, you shouldn’t be budging. And of course, you might not get everything on our list but you at least you know what your non negotiable are. And based off your list, that's how you should look for red flags.


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