How Do I Get My Husband To Stop Being Selfish With Sex?

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice on how a wife can get her husband to stop being selfish in the bedroom.

Should A Married Couple Attend Different Churches?

Dr. Roz and Kil break down should a married couple attend different churches.

My Husband Is Addicted To Drugs!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband is addicted to drugs.

My Husband NEVER Sacrifices For Me!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband doesn't sacrifice for her.

How Do I Tell My Family I'm Marrying Outside My Race?

Dr. Roz and Kil answer a question about marrying outside your race.

Marriage Exposed is the website that talks about what marriage REALLY It's some of the best work you can sign up for but nevertheless, it's work.

Have you ever wondered what you'd get if you took a clinical psychologist and a hip hop producer and gave them a blog that dealt with marriage, relationships and everything in between? Probably not...BUT if you did, then you'd have Marriage Exposed! With a mixture of therapeutical strategies, biblical principals, practicality and laughter, Dr. Roz and Kil not only coach couples through the "hard times" of their relationships but they continue to impart wisdom, after their storms have passed. Send us your questions or comments and join the conversation!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Do We Really Forgive?

Dr. Roz's View
 I think Kil’s piece is very honest in terms of forgiveness. When we are betrayed by those that have promised to protect us, it is very hard to regain that trust that was lost during the betrayal. Often times, I do believe that we do not communicate appropriately how something has affected us and many times we just move on from the situation without addressing it! Who are we kidding? Forgiveness is hard and it takes more courage to forgive a person than to hold a grudge against someone. Often times we think that forgiveness is about the other person, but forgiveness really is for you! It is not an easy thing to do, but it is necessary for you to be able to move on with your life and past the pain that the betrayal has caused.

We have to learn to take on the betrayal head on! Ask why it has affected us so much, what role did we play in it, and try to understand why the other person would behave in such a manner. Understanding someone’s actions makes forgiveness that much easier. I’m not saying give people a pass for their behaviors, but I am encouraging you to try to understand their behaviors to assess what it is that has attracted you to this person in the first place. We have all heard the saying that hurt people, hurt people, and sometimes when people hurt us, it may be an opportunity to look at your own pain and how you may have hurt someone! No one is such a saint that we will never hurt someone else, but the same way that you want to be forgiven, we have to be courageous enough to afford that right to other people as well. It’s the golden rule!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is A Man Suppose to Lead the Relationship?

                                                                 Kil's View

A friend advised me that God made it so men would lead the relationship and that woman should sit back and be courted. Do you agree with that assessment? What happened to "teaching" a man or letting him know what you need in a marriage or relationship?

Ephesians 5:23 says "For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior". You said in your question that God made it so that men would lead the relationship and I don't belive that's what God says. He wants the husband to lead the wife and his family, not the boyfriend to lead the girlfriend. And even with that scripture I don't believe that God wants the husband to the do whatever he wants in the marriage. The husband is suppose lean on God for knowledge and wisdom and then lead his family. So there is no problem with a wife telling her husband what she needs or wants out of her marriage. Now a woman should be courted by a man but that doesn't mean sit back and do whatever the man who's courting her says. Truth be told, a woman's voice is the 2nd most important voice a husband should hear next to God's.

                                                                Dr. Roz's View

I completely agree with Kil! The whole idea of a woman being submissive to her husband is based on whether the husband is submissive to God First! If he is not submissive to God and receiving guidance from God, then you should have some qualms about him being the head of your household! Who's leading him, what doctrine is he following? If he is functioning on his own accord, then the relationship is bound to suffer. The man should court you, a man that findeth a wife finds a good thing! As women, we should not be running after men, even though we all have probably done it at some point in our lives, I'm guilty of it myself, but it's a great feeling knowing that this man wants to be in your presence so much that he is willing to court you! The problem is, we stopped teaching this to our men  and we stopped teaching women how to allow a man to court her.

 I would caution women in trying to teach a man something, you can let him know what you need in the relationship, but that's very different than trying to teach him something. Most men will take that as you are trying to change him. However, letting him know your needs is very different from teaching! Stating that you are teaching him something denotes his incompetency in the relationship and ladies you know we have to build our men up! Great question! Thank you for asking!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Ain't Asking For Forgiveness For My Sins"

Still Reppin' the Phillies!!!!!!!

"Ain't asking for forgiveness for my sins..." - Jay Z

I wonder, how many of us are asking for forgiveness from our sins? Not only asking for forgiveness from God for things we've done but asking for forgiveness from our spouses if we've wronged them. Roz and I decided to focus on forgiveness this week because of a discussion we had with one of her classes last week. From that discussion I think all of us who were present realized that people have A LOT of different definitions for what they think forgiveness is. Webster defines forgiveness as "to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt." Did ya'll get that? "To grant free pardon" and "to give up all claim of an offense or debt". So basically, forgiveness is to wipe the slate clean like it never even happened. So, that means once we have truly forgiven someone, we shouldn't be bringing up what they did 5 days, 5 months or 5 years later. And that's not what a lot of us do when we say we "forgive" someone.

From what I've heard, a lot of people's definition of forgiveness looks more like "I'll forgive you, but I won't forget." Which isn't forgiveness. So why is it so hard for us to forgive? I think a big reason why people don't know how to forgive is because we don't know how to deal with the hurt that person inflicted on us. I personally think it's very hard to be able to truly grasp the concept of forgiveness if you don't have a relationship with God. Before I became a believer, there were times that I thought I forgave people but when I look back at it, I realized that I really hadn't forgiven them. Yeah, I might kick it with them from time to time and on the surface I thought I wasn't mad at them anymore but deep down inside, there was resentment that had been building up. I've learned that without true forgiveness, I'm hurting myself by keeping all of this negative energy inside me. In the past I've made a lot of bad decisions and treated people who had wronged me, messed up on some "ya'll deserve it" and now when I look back at it, me trying to get them back was just as wrong as what they did to me. Since I've matured more in Christ, I think I have a better understanding of forgiveness but I'm still growing. And think of it like this, we're all going to have to learn how to forgive because one of the many things that's guaranteed in marriage, is that our spouse WILL do something to us that they will need to be forgiven for. And we'll do something to them as well, and we'll need to ask for forgiveness and it's going to be hard to ask for forgiveness when we truly don't understand it ourselves. And on that note, let me leave you with somethings God has to say about forgiveness:
  • We forgive because we have been forgiven by God (Ephesians 4:32)

  • We forgive in obedience to God (Matthew 6:14-15; Romans 12:18)

  • We forgive others to gain control of our lives from hurt emotions (Genesis 4:1-8)

  • We forgive so we won't become bitter and defile those around us (Hebrew 12:14-15)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How to Meet the Top Five Needs of a Man!

Dr. Roz's Perspective
Kil is telling the truth, we do argue about just about everything especially when it comes to how men and women feel about sex! So I am not surprised that his number one need for men, would be sex of course! lol However, ladies we do have to stop rationing out sex, if that is your mode of operation! Kil makes a great point in stating that we send our sexless husbands out into the world to women that are willing to do everything that we aren’t. Sex is suppose to be a beautiful act between two people that love each other, but once we allow our resentment for our spouse to come into play with our sex life that’s when the problems begin. So ladies if our men need sex, they oughta get it from us and not the jump off down the street!

Kil reports that a man’s second need is Peace! I can certainly understand this because I don’t want to be arguing and beefing all the time as well. So ladies, I guess we have to learn how to fight our battles! If we do have an issue with our spouse maybe we should look at our role in the situation as well and figure out a way that we can respond better. I know easier said than done, but if everyone in the relationship is evaluating their behaviors in the relationship, then maybe we can decrease some of the arguments we have in our home and create some peace and happiness in our homes!

Support is the third need reported! I can certainly agree with this as participants in a relationship, support should be a main priority! I don’t know any relationship that has lasted without genuine support from each other. I know sometimes it’s hard to support a crazy idea, trust me I know. My husband watched an animal show and then told me he wanted to raise lion cubs. So I looked at him waiting for him to say, I’m just kidding, (which never happened), but I do know that my husband is passionate about animals so if he wants to raise lion cubs, they just can’t be raised in our backyard! Lol So ladies, if support is what our men need, let’s make sure we are building them up to be the best head of household for our families!

Friendship was stated as the fourth need and I actually think that this is a great idea. I think we see our husbands as someone that we have a romantic relationship with, not realizing that the friendship is what keeps us wanting to be romantically linked to them. In the beginning we get together because we like certain aspects about each other and as the relationship progresses and life comes into play, those aspects are put on the back burner and we think that love alone will keep the relationship going! So ladies I challenge you to try to develop an interest in something that your husband likes and hopefully he will do the same for you!

Last but not least, Trust! I have to agree with Kil believe it or not, but we can’t keep accusing our spouses of stuff that people in our past have done to us! It’s very easy to do when we are triggered from trauma of our past, but we have to be able to move past that and trust ourselves as well, that our mates are a result of a decision that we have made and prayerfully we made a good decision. Ladies if we put the shoe on the other foot, we would hate it if we were being questioned about everything or caught him snooping through our emails, facebook, and phone. So let’s trust our decisions and our mates and pray that God is directing and guiding our relationship!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Why Are There So Many Jump Offs?!?!?!?

Kil's Perspective

Why are there so many jump offs nowadays? Come on ya'll...ask me something hard...that's an easy one!

1. Women just don't care anymore! Truth be told I don't know if women ever cared but in 2010 they REALLY don't care. The fact is there are more women then men so, that means some of these women aren't going to get a man and are gonna be single and I don't know ANY women who want to be single. Now I KNOW women say they're fine with being single and I'm sure some of them actually mean that but I believe it's human nature to want to be with someone and have a mate. And if they find someone they like and they're married? Who cares! That's a small problem that can be solved by simply doing everything he complains his wife doesn't do. I always joke with my homegirls that ya'll (women) need to do a million woman march or something and get women to start caring about this small little convenant called marriage.

2. Wives aren't handling their business! Let me ask a quick question to women, if you see on your local news that there has been a rash of B&E's (breaking and entering) in your neighborhood, what would you do? You would do everything to make sure your home was safe. You'd make sure your home alarm was always set, you'd double check to make sure all of the windows and doors were locked. The moral of the story is you'd protect your home. Well, women guess what? There's a rash of B&E's going in your neighborhood! Women are stealing YOUR husbands! Man up and protect your home! Have GOOD sex life with your husband! Be a friend to your husband! Be a wife to your husband! I'm sure most women haven't seen this Under Armour commercial where a football team is getting hype saying "we must protect this house" but until ya'll have this million woman march, housewives around America need to have a "I will protect this house" rally!

Roz's Perspective

Ladies, I love you, trust me I do, but I have to be honest about this jump off situation! Sometimes your actions keep you as a jump off! Yes there is a double standard in sex and men can sleep with the world and its ok (really it’s not ok), but for us it’s not! Stop giving away so freely what God has designed to be a gift to your mate! When you sleep with that brother on the first, second, or third date, you don’t know him! You have to start respecting yourself so that in turn, they will respect you! I’ve heard plenty of men state, that if she will sleep with me without knowing me, she will do it with another dude and immediately, you get placed in the jump off category. You may be called for a good time in private, but you will never be the girl that gets to enjoy the totality of a relationship, such as meeting the most important people in his life or making steps towards sharing a life together.

Hear me when I say this ladies and trust me I am saying it out of love: “Just Because He Likes What You Do for Him, Does Not Mean He Likes YOU!”

So often we think if we continue to be ride or die for a brother that eventually he will fall for us, but the truth of the matter boils down to this, if a person doesn’t like you, no matter what you do for them, will not change how they feel about you!

If you are the jump off, then let’s discuss a couple of things, 9 times out of 10, he is not leaving the wife! I don’t care how great your bedroom skills are, when he weighs having to pay alimony and child support and then trying to support another relationship, it’s enough to make a brother pause! Let me break it down for you, say he brings in 4500.00 a month, after paying 2800.00 in child support and alimony, that leaves him with 1700.00. He still has to pay for the new place that he now has or he may move in with you, plus food, utilities, and for transportation. At the end of the month, the brother may be left with 2.00 to his name. Trust me, when he has to change his lifestyle because of a jump off, his family appears to be more attractive. He may lead you on and tell you what you want to hear, but trust me if his actions do not line up with his words, then it’s just all talk!

Women see married men and they like the idea that he can make a commitment, not really thinking about that he is committed to someone else. So you do everything that you can do to find out what the wife isn’t doing and you make sure you meet those needs to prove to him that you are better than his wife. Then if you succeed in breaking up his marriage and you two begin to have a public relationship, then you constantly have to worry about whether he is secretly seeing someone else behind your back! Truthfully, it’s not worth the risk of your life (with HIV running rapid), your emotional stability, and oh yeah, now that he has to pay support to his ex wife and children, your finances are effected as well!

So ladies, let’s start making better choices in how we conduct ourselves in relationships and not be so willing to break up another family because we think that we deserve that man more than his current family. If you don’t play the jump off role, then share this message with someone that does! Please don’t think that I am excusing the brothers from this behavior, but they can’t participate in adultery without a willing party, so you are just as guilty. Heavens forbid if you get pregnant in the process! I have provided therapy to way too many individuals that were born out of an affair, or kept a secret because of an affair. It’s not fair to the child and they suffer far more consequences than you can ever imagine, not to mention his children that will be effected by the divorce! If nothing else, please understand that your decisions effect more than you! Don’t let your selfishness be the cause of breaking up families!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dr. Roz & Kil: Fellas...It's Game Time!!!!!

Go Eagles!!!!!!
Aiight...just a little background on me and Roz that a lot of people don't know....we fight like cats and dogs! Lol...we'll be in the middle of doing a lecteur and Roz will say something and I'm like "what did you just say?" Lol! And she does the exact same to me but it's all good. That's why we're a great team because we're TOTALLY different. But I swear we agreed we'd do the top 5 needs of men and women but after going through Roz's list, I count about 10 things! Leave it to a woman to sneak it an extra 5! Lol! But all jokes aside my article this week is for the fellas and for us to figure out a way to meet a woman's top 5 (I meant needs.

So let's start with the first one, which is making your wife feel desired. I think a lot of times we may not tell our wives how beautiful they look or that we like their hair or their new perfume, but we gotta step up and make sure our wives feel like they're the most important chick in our lives! And on the romance front there are SO many things we can do. We can always surprise our wives with their favorite flowers, send them a card to their job or leave one on the seat of her car, or just give them a foot massage if they've had a hard day. But things like romance really comes down to what your wife likes, so fellas you gotta pay attention to your wife's needs cause I can sit here all day and spew off what Tee likes but that could be the total opposite of what your wife wants. But the moral? We gotta make our wives feel wanted, needed and desired by us.

Next up is communication. I learned in college in this class I was taking that a woman has about 1,500 words to use per day and men only have 500. So by the time we get home from work, we've already used our 500 words, but our wives still have 1,000 left! So to keep up with our wives we're always gonna be behind but that's just part of the game. One of my homegirls once told me to pick out 3 things out of my day and to talk with Tee about them when I get home so that I'm sharing with her. I know most of us men really aren't into talking unless it's something we care about (hip hop, bball, books, records, sneakers for me) but we have to begin to care about the things our wives care about (as hard as that so we can have more convos with our wives.

Now onto the next one which is sex...this is one of the many places Roz and I disagree about women wanting sex as much as men. The reason I disagree is because if women want it as much as we do...why does sex always seem to be a problem in marriages? But neither here nor there, according to Roz if we handle the whole desire, romance and communication piece we should be good to go with getting some. But remember we shouldn't be focusing on our wives needs in return for sex because if we do all that stuff and we still don't get any, we'll be looking straight like "I listened to 2 hours of your co-workers problems and I didn't get any? That's the last time I do that!" Both men and women have to focus on meeting our spouse's needs because it's the right thing to do, not so that we can get something in return. Remember we're talking about love here, not the barter system!

Aiight, what's next? Security and providing for our family. I get this and agree with it 100%. We have to make sure that we're making sure our family is safe and secure. I can't think of anything more important than making sure that Tee and Naomi are safe and provided for. Most folk know I got laid off back in July but I make sure Tee knows that not a day goes by that I'm not hustling to make something happen. Whether it's through my music, my writing, this marriage work Roz and I are doing to just trying to find out what God has for me next to just finding a new job. I HAVE to make sure Tee knows that her and Naomi won't EVER have to worry about me being some lazy dude who wants to be taken care of. So I can mos def relate to what Roz is saying. So if you are that dude, who wants his wife taking care of him while you play Madden '11 24/7...come on's time to man up and be the head of the household God called us all to be.

And last but not least, we got commitment, honesty, love and support. So basically in a nutshell we need to be committed and faithful which I don't think is a tall order. I mean, why are we in a relationship or married if we wanna still be out in the streets messing with side jawns? A huge piece of commitment deals with communication in my opinion and that communication deals with the honesty piece. If you're not happy in your marriage you have to tell your wife about what the beef is and give her a chance to help fix what's wrong. A wise man once told me that if your spouse tells you they're not happy, what they're really telling you is "I'm giving you first dibs on making me happy" but that no one is gonna go through their life unhappy. So men, if you're not happy and thinking about dippin out on your wife, share with her that you're not happy and figure out a way for both of ya'll to fix things so you don't have to get with another shorty and tear your fam apart.

The love and support stuff is what we should be giving our wives but if we're falling short, let's step up front fellas and make sure our wives don't have to doubt or wonder if we love them. To make sure we're doing our jobs, we need to sit down and ask our wives how we can show them the love and support that they need. Too many of us leave that "love and support" piece to chance because WE think we're doing what our wives want and need but we gotta make sure they're satisfied with the job we're doing.

Wow...that was a lot but our wives need a lot and we gotta step up to the plate and make sure we're providing our wives with a lot! So fellas, let's figure out what we're gonna do this week to show our wives some love in the areas that we covered today (too many to and not just to do it this week but how we can do it and keep doing on a consistent basis. Like my dude Lil Fame from MOP would say "it's game time"!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Top 5 Things a Woman Needs in her Marriage or Relationship

Women aren’t that hard to figure out if you invest inthe time to understand your mate, but for some peoplethis seems like an impossible feat! So for all of you men out there that can’t seem to figure your wife or significant other out, let me help you out a bit.

Your wife needs to feel desired by you! She needs to know that she is the apple of your eye and that she is enough for you! You have to continuously reassure her of how you feel about her. Please don’t forget about the romance. Often times we get so comfortable in our relationships that we stop doing those romantic things that we were doing in the beginning to impress our spouse. You have chosen this person for the rest of your life, why not continue to keep wanting to give them your best.
Brothers, you have to communicate with your wife. Talking creates intimacy for us! It is how we connect emotionally with you. Women always want to talk because it is a turn on to know that you can have a non forced conversation with your spouse, it’s not because we want to get on your nerves. As mentioned before, “nagging” occurs as an attempt to try to balance the relationship, to connect with you, and to see if you are willing to meet whatever that need is that we may have. Brothers, talk to your wife or significant other, actually care about her day! The more in tune you are with your significant other the more you will get your needs met!
Surprise, surprise, women want sex too, in fact we think about it probably as much as men do! If your wife is not having sex with you regularly, it’s not that she doesn’t want to have sex, she just does not want to have sex with you! If you are making your wife feel as if you desire her and you are creating intimacy with her with communication, you can get your sexual needs met as well! FYI, as women we have to take care of so much! We are mothers, professionals, and caretakers just to name a few, every once and awhile, we want for the man to take full control in the bedroom! It’s every girl’s fantasy to be ravaged and to feel so desired like our mates absolutely has to be with us! You know, like the first time you were intimate with your spouse, you were trying to impress and you really did want to ravage their bodies because it was a new experience for you both! Brothers, if the first was a good experience, then we expect that out of you at all times! You give us your best, we will give you our best!
Brothers, we have to be secure in knowing that you can protect us and provide for us! We understand that people get down on their luck, but if we are out working and you are home playing video games without any attempt to try to provide for your family, then that’s a problem! Security is super important to us. You should never create a doubt in us that you can’t protect us! You have to understand that we leave our father’s house of protection (those of us fortunate enough to have our father’s in the home), into yours! Once you make that vow to protect us, that is what we expect from you! While it may seem like a burden to you, it’s a blessing in having the ability to protect and provide for your wife and your family. You should be your wife’s hero, because trust me, if you don’t there is someone else that will!
Last but not least, we desire commitment, honesty, love, and support! This should be a no brainer, but if you didn’t know then now you are informed. I know as women we may change our minds about things constantly and I know that this may drive you guys insane, but there is nothing greater than a man supporting his wife’s endeavors ( if it is reasonable) regardless if whatever it is fails or succeed! Trust me, you do not want to cause an issue where resentment can take place because someone feels as if they are unsupported in the relationship. Commitment, honesty and love should not have to be explained you would think, but everyone has a different definition of what those three things mean and it’s important to discuss these things with your spouse and come up with a compromise of what it means for your relationship together. So brothers this is just an outline on how to get started to get the best our of your relationship, but you have to do the work with your spouse to know exactly what her needs may be and work at trying to meet those needs and hopefully she is working to meet your needs as well!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's Our Anniversary!!!!!!!

Had to take a minute and celebrate with ya'll! Today is me and Tee's 10th year anniversary! Everytime I tell someone I've been married 10 years they're like "I can't believe it" and I'm like "you can't belive, I can't believe it!" It's been a journey, and many times it hasn't been easy but at the end of the day, it's ALL been worth it! So to my beautiful, wonderful and supportive wife, I love you with all my heart and good looking for riding with me through the good and the bad!

Also, Roz and I would like to offer an invitation to everybody who rolls with us to share with us your anniversary so we can highlight them. Email us at the date of your anniversary, as much as you would like to share about your family (how and where ya'll met, how he proposed, etc.) and a flick of your family and we'll post it on your anniversary to shout you out. We all know marriages are struggling and the divorce rate is crazy which is why we have to highlight marriages that are making it happen. So, we don't care if you've been together 1 year or 50 we wanna highlight that you and your spouse are holding it down and celebrate with you!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Top 5 Needs of A Man...I'll Even Throw In A 6th for Free!

Go Eagles!!!!!!!!!!
#1 Sex: Did ya'll think it was gonna be something different? Men LOVE, NEED and WANT sex. What baffles me is like Chris Rock said in "I Think I Love My Wife" how wives send their sexless husbands into a world full of women that are willing to do EVERYTHING a wife isn't but yet expect to him to be faithful and for you two to have a happy, healthy marriage. That's like not showing up to work for two weeks, but still expecting a pay check! That's literally how crazy sending an unsexed husband into the world and expecting a happy marriage in the end is. Come on wives, start earning that paycheck!

#2 Peace: Proverbs 21:19 says "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman". Let's define contentious so that we're all on the same page. Contentious means causing or likely to cause an argument or controversy: involved in a heated argument. So basically what Solomon is telling us is that it's better to be homeless then to have a wife that's always beefing about something! Homeless! It's better to live in an alley then with a chick who's always beefin! Wow! Are you that chick? The problem is, if you are that chick, nowadays your husband probably isn't homeless, because another woman will GLADLY give him a home where there is peace and quiet. Why not fall back and stop being contentious and start being loving? What a lot of women don't understand is that if your husband is happy and at peace, that happiness and peace he has will be seen throughout your entire family.

#3 Support: Everyman wants a wife who has his back. Someone who supports his dreams. Someone to rub his back when he's down. Someone to be his biggest cheerleader when he succeeds and help pick him up when he fails. And someone who shows she cares and want to help her man, anyway (not just the things she's willing to do, but ANYWAY) she can.

#4 Friendship: Husbands and wives are suppose to be best friends, but let's be many actually are? If you look at who is your best friend, you two probably have a lot in common. When I look at my closest friends we all love sports and music among other things but those two things really are where and how we bond. But if you took those two things away we may still be friends but we wouldn't have that much to talk about. I've found that a lot of married couples really don't have that much in common hence why many married couples don't have a lot to talk about. So, to have that friendship with your husbands, wives you need to take an interest in what they like. If your husband likes football, watch football with him. I've heard of wives who don't care about football at all with their husbands but as soon as their sons start playing football, now all of a sudden she wants to know why teams punt on 4th downs...really? So, learn about football cause your son plays but ignore the game your husband has loved since you met him but you want a happy marriage? Right, right...

#5 Proverbs 31:10 Woman: Don't know what I'm talking about? Break out your Bible and read Proverbs 31:10 and get to work!

Honorable Mention Jawn:
#6 Trust: Men who have not cheated...want to be trusted. In my opinion there are too many good men out there who's wives don't trust them for a million reasons that have nothing to do with them! It may be because your ex cheated on you, or cause your friend's husband is cheating and he's friends with your husband, so then birds of a feather flock together, or because you as a wife ain't handling YOUR business so now you're paranoid. But if your man hasn't done anything to make you not trust him...FALL BACK and let your man breath!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Help Mate; Do we take them for GRANTED!

Mr. Black, My God sent help mate
Am I guilty of taking my husband for granted? Absolutely! Have I been selfish in my marriage? Of course! It is human nature for these things to take place, but to not recognize it is where the problems begin. Often times we can get so caught up in our own selfishness and concerns about what we are not getting out of our relationship and never realized that why we are so focused on our needs, that we are often neglecting the needs of our spouse as well! The ideology about relationships is that you are supposed to strive to meet each other’s needs, not focus on your needs, and as a result everybody gets their needs met! Easier said than done right? We all know that when our spouse does not do something that we have asked of them, they may not get a full dinner that night or some special attention (use your imagination)! We may not even consciously realize that we are behaving in this way, but it is human nature to do less and less when you feel as if you arethe only one participating in the process!
 The beautiful thing about having a “healthy relationship” is that you gain a help mate! The purpose of marriage is to be able to depend on each other. If you enter a marriage or relationship on the basis of trying to maintain independence from each other, than you might as well remain single.  In order for marriage to be effective, you and your mate have to learn how to balance “three lives”; your life, their life, and your life together! In order for you to have a healthy relationship, your life together has to take precedence.   Now don’t get me wrong, I still participate in my sorority events, take a yearly girl’s trip, and never miss a homecoming at my beloved Fisk, and my husband still has his game night with his boys. So I am not saying that you have to cut off your life completely, but if you were going to happy hours every week while you were single, that’s not going to fly to well in your marriage! Some things you are going to have to minimize for the sake and progression of your relationship!

 Recently, most of you know that I was really ill for about three weeks and I have never appreciated my husband in the way that I appreciate him now. They way he cared for me when I was at my worst was such an act of unconditional love that I can never repay him for the compassion that he showed towards me. In fact, I completely forgot about all my selfish wants and began to really evaluate how he honors me as his wife. I never have to worry about him being a provider or coming home at night or treating me differently when we have had heated arguments (quit acting like you and your spouse don’t go to war every now and then, it happens, let’s keep it real, lol). When I was humiliated because I could not do for myself because I was so ill, he took my hand and looked me in the eye and said, “I made a vow to you, through sickness and health and I meant it! This is my duty to take care of you, I’m your husband and I love you, I will always take care of you”. I then had to ask myself could I be as strong as him if the shoe were on the other foot?  I’d like to think that I would and pray that God would give me the strength to be, but I had to look at my selfish request prior to my illness and realized that the amount of time I complained about what he wasn’t doing, I never took into account everything that he does consistently.

Sometimes we allow emotions to cloud our logic, it’s just sad that I had to go through a life altering experience to realize how appreciative I am for my helpmate! I wouldn’t trade him for the world!  It also taught me that when I think that I am so perfect in my relationship that my stuff stinks too! lol We are all a work in progress, but as long as we are striving together to be better in our relationships, we eventually become the help mates that God has designed us to be! Evaluate your actions in your relationship and be honest about whether you are doing your best to meet your spouse’s needs and if the answer is no, enjoy the journey of getting better! After all, this is the person that you have chosen to spend forever with, you might as well try to make it as blissful as it can be!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What Should You Do If Your Family Doesn't Like Your Spouse?

Roz's Perspective

What do you do when your close friend/family member "doesn't care for", doesn't care to be around" or doesn't get along with your spouse?

Of course I know that life is easier when everyone gets along, but if your spouse is hated for superficial reasons by family members, then you just have to ignore the ignorance and be the bigger person. Now if there is a warranted reason for the dislike, such as abuse, or adultery, then we can understand that our family is just looking out for our best interest. If this is a significant issue in your relationship, I would encourage you to investigate the reasons why your spouse is “disliked” and encourage your family to understand the choice that you have made to be with your spouse and to support your relationship. You should then define what supporting your relationship looks like from your perspective, such as being cordial in your spouse’s presence. You have to remember that your relationship is between you and your spouse and you two are the ones that are responsible for the functioning of your relationship. If your families cannot respect your relationship based on superficial reasons like, I just don’t like her, I don’t have to give you a reason, then sometimes you may have to think about your relationship with those family members and if they are beneficial to you. Good Luck!

What is the best way for women to express their concerns in a relationship without the man "shutting down"? How often should concerns be addressed?

Ladies, NEVER start your conversation off with” we need to talk” because he is going to become defensive and immediately shut down. Just begin your conversation. Now you have to pick an appropriate time, like when you are in the car together for an extended period of time. Expect irritation from him, if you interrupt his football game with yall’s issues. You are not going to get anywhere and it’s only going to leave both of you frustrated. Here is a tip, when confronting anyone about an issue that you may be experiencing, take the blame out of the questioning and use “I” statements rather than “YOU” statements, such as I feel like I want to spend more time with you because I miss you, rather than You never spend time with me! Very big difference in the tone of your concerns. I believe in addressing concerns when it interrupts the functioning of your relationship. It’s not a bad idea to have a monthly family meeting to ensure that you are functioning properly and it’s a great opportunity to address your concerns! Let us know if this worked for you!

Understanding that men and women may bring past hurts to a new relationship, how can particularly women remain patient with men who are harboring unstated trust issues in their new relationship? In both marriage and long-term dating situations?

This is a great question! The only way you can disprove someone’s thoughts of mistrust is to provide the evidence of the contrary and even then they still may not trust you. One way that you can assist your mate is encouraging them to seek therapy (most men do not want to go to therapy at all, so this may prove to be a struggle). Not only will he be able to vent about his frustrations, but with a great therapist, he will understand how he is allowing his past to stagnate his future. Now for the man that is completely against therapy, then you have to be honest about how his mistrust may be driving you away and give specific examples. Set up an accountability system with him, such as checking in when you are out and about during your day to ease his concerns and I always encourage couples to know each other’s friends. It brings about a certain level of comfort when your spouse knows who you are hanging out with. My husband and I have a rule, that we no longer have separate friends, but friends together, meaning that I am friends with all of his friends and vice versa. It works for us and keeps confusion down, but not all couples are the same. You have to figure out what your relationship can deal with and that means going to the table and discussing what’s acceptable in your relationship! As far as patience, it is a virtue, but when someone else’s stress is causing inappropriate functioning in you, then you may have to reevaluate the relationship or renegotiate the parameters of your relationship.

Kil's Perspective

What do you do when your close friend/family member "doesn't care for", doesn't care to be around" or doesn't get along with your spouse? 

I think the most important question is why don't they like your spouse? One thing I learned in pre-marriage counseling was don't tell your friends and family about everything that goes on in your marriage because you can always forgive your spouse for things they've said or done a lot easier then your family and friends can. Once you figure out why they don't like him, that's how you can begin to try to squash whatever the beef is. But I can't stress how important it is to not tell your friends and family ALL of your business.

What is the best way for women to express their concerns in a relationship without the man "shutting down"? How often should concerns be addressed?

I think the first thing to do is to ask your man when is the best time to talk to him. For some reason women seem to bring up things at the worst times! When the game is on, as soon as we walk in the door from work, etc. Once, he's told you when's the best time to talk to him, the next step (if he currently shuts down) is to ask him why he shuts down. I know a lot of men shut down because they really don't know how to express themselves. And if that's the case, your man has to learn to express his self. Whether that's writing down how he feels or learning how to say how he feels. But he's gonna have to find out why he shuts down and he's gonna have to work on that. Now, a man working on how to express himself is no easy task, but you have to express to him how important it is to you and for your relationship/marriage. And as far as how oftenn should concerns be discussed, I think they should be discussed as often as they come up. When issues are going on in your relationship, and they're not discussed or dealt with, they literally become a cancer to your marriage.

Understanding that men and women may bring past hurts to a new relationship, how can particularly women remain patient with men who are harboring unstated trust issues in their new relationship? In both marriage and long-term dating situations?

My question for you is, if it's "unstated" how is your man dealing with these issues? Are you assuming he has trust issues? Has he told you this? Because if you're just assuming he has these issues and they are from a past relationship and he has no idea he has issues, I hope your VERY patient casue it's gonna be a while!

The first thing you have to do is get him to see that he has these issues going on and then help him to move past them. Now, men moving issues is no easy task, so ya'll gotta have a plan in place. Is he gonna get counseling? Is he gonna be talking with you about his issues to get over them? Dealing with issues in general is hard enough for all of us so I think once you get him to see that he has these issues, it's important for you to just continue to be supportive of him until he overcomes these issues and realize that you shouldn't be punished for what someone in his past did to him.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Good Looking Out!

My Help Meet...
"And the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone, I will make him an help meet for him." - Genesis 2:18

The Hebrew meaning of the phrase help meet in the Word of God is simply "one who helps. I can remember when I first started going to church with Tee, and I heard the phrase "help meet" I was like "ya'll christians speak a whole nother language! What's a help meet?" And the sad thing is today in a lot of marriages spouses are asking themselves that exact same question..."what is a help meet?"

It's like some people get married thinking "this person will be taking care of me, but I'm not taking care of them!" But I don't think most people really get what marriage is about. Marriage is ALL about selflessness so when you asked your shorty to marry you, you were really asking "can I take care of you for life?" And when your shorty said yes, she was really saying "yes, I'll take care of you for the rest of my life." Now trust me, I get it...being selfless is FAR from easy. It's going against what I believe is our human nature which is to be selfish. But to have a happy spouse, a happy home and a happy family we've got to learn how to die to self.

I can honestly say over the past ten years there's no way I could've done this journey without Tee having my back. Since we've been married, I've been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, prostatitis, sleep apnea and fibromaylgia (I always joke with Tee that this is her fault cause I was perfectly healthy before we got and through 100's of doctor visits, ER visits in the middle of the night, jumping out my sleep cause I can't breath, etc. Tee has been by my side the entire time. The hard part of the game is, as we all get older we'll expereince heath issues, big and small and having someone by your side to hold your hand, give you a shoulder to cry on, and someone praying for you is priceless.

And even besides my health issues, Tee is just a great help meet in so many other ways. I can probably count on one hand how many times I've cooked in the last 10 years! (If it ain't a chicken cheesesteak or a grilled cheese, I'm lost in the kitchen!) I remember when we first moved into our house and I went to make something, I didn't even know how to turn the new oven on! Tee does a great job of taking care of me and Naomi and being a great help meet and I KNOW it's not easy. Prayerfully I'm being just as good as a help meet for her as she's been to me.