Friday, October 8, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: The Help Mate; Do we take them for GRANTED!


Mr. Black, My God sent help mate
Am I guilty of taking my husband for granted? Absolutely! Have I been selfish in my marriage? Of course! It is human nature for these things to take place, but to not recognize it is where the problems begin. Often times we can get so caught up in our own selfishness and concerns about what we are not getting out of our relationship and never realized that why we are so focused on our needs, that we are often neglecting the needs of our spouse as well! The ideology about relationships is that you are supposed to strive to meet each other’s needs, not focus on your needs, and as a result everybody gets their needs met! Easier said than done right? We all know that when our spouse does not do something that we have asked of them, they may not get a full dinner that night or some special attention (use your imagination)! We may not even consciously realize that we are behaving in this way, but it is human nature to do less and less when you feel as if you arethe only one participating in the process!
 The beautiful thing about having a “healthy relationship” is that you gain a help mate! The purpose of marriage is to be able to depend on each other. If you enter a marriage or relationship on the basis of trying to maintain independence from each other, than you might as well remain single.  In order for marriage to be effective, you and your mate have to learn how to balance “three lives”; your life, their life, and your life together! In order for you to have a healthy relationship, your life together has to take precedence.   Now don’t get me wrong, I still participate in my sorority events, take a yearly girl’s trip, and never miss a homecoming at my beloved Fisk, and my husband still has his game night with his boys. So I am not saying that you have to cut off your life completely, but if you were going to happy hours every week while you were single, that’s not going to fly to well in your marriage! Some things you are going to have to minimize for the sake and progression of your relationship!

 Recently, most of you know that I was really ill for about three weeks and I have never appreciated my husband in the way that I appreciate him now. They way he cared for me when I was at my worst was such an act of unconditional love that I can never repay him for the compassion that he showed towards me. In fact, I completely forgot about all my selfish wants and began to really evaluate how he honors me as his wife. I never have to worry about him being a provider or coming home at night or treating me differently when we have had heated arguments (quit acting like you and your spouse don’t go to war every now and then, it happens, let’s keep it real, lol). When I was humiliated because I could not do for myself because I was so ill, he took my hand and looked me in the eye and said, “I made a vow to you, through sickness and health and I meant it! This is my duty to take care of you, I’m your husband and I love you, I will always take care of you”. I then had to ask myself could I be as strong as him if the shoe were on the other foot?  I’d like to think that I would and pray that God would give me the strength to be, but I had to look at my selfish request prior to my illness and realized that the amount of time I complained about what he wasn’t doing, I never took into account everything that he does consistently.

Sometimes we allow emotions to cloud our logic, it’s just sad that I had to go through a life altering experience to realize how appreciative I am for my helpmate! I wouldn’t trade him for the world!  It also taught me that when I think that I am so perfect in my relationship that my stuff stinks too! lol We are all a work in progress, but as long as we are striving together to be better in our relationships, we eventually become the help mates that God has designed us to be! Evaluate your actions in your relationship and be honest about whether you are doing your best to meet your spouse’s needs and if the answer is no, enjoy the journey of getting better! After all, this is the person that you have chosen to spend forever with, you might as well try to make it as blissful as it can be!

3 comments:

Simmons said...

My oh my. Thanks for being willing to admit that we, as wives and females for that matter, can be a teeny tiny bit selfish sometimes. :-) Sometimes there's no middle ground with us, we love on level 10...Haha (and we tend to be sad/mad on high level too). We do sometimes get caught up in the things that we do and sometimes focus on that one thing that our guy hasn't done. It could be something small to our guy but it's as if the world is ending for us. I can admit it, I've done it. I do think some of the "selfish" requests, no matter how small or big, are important to the one requesting and shouldn't be ignored by our spouse. We as wives are more prone to give and give to everyone and everything. As a result we are crushed when something we want isn't received. We're like the energizer bunny though, we're strong and we will keep going and going and going...

I'm glad you were able to really hear that better/worse, sickness/health, richer/poorer is what your hubby signed up for, so let him do his thing. We as women sometimes get in our own way. Love is a beautiful thing. And I think a loving healthy marriage is like seeing the sun rise just beyond the clouds...you know it happens daily but it is such a pretty thing and makes you smile each and every time you see it. That sunshine also reminds me of the pureness and greatness of God.
This is the kind of post that leads to an extra phone call during the work day to that special spouse, a little longer kiss when you walk through the door, and maybe even a second helping of dinner....and dessert ;-).
Thanks Roz.

sam said...

I realize this is a bit late, but your honest reflection and appreciation for your husband (despite how it came about) was refreshing. As a husband, I sometimes wonder why my wife has such high expectations, and for some reason your reflections help me see that it truly is unintentional and ultimately a struggle that will make us all better people for each other and those with whom we hope to impact in this world.
thanks.

Dr. Roz and Kil said...

Sam and Simmons, thank you for your comments! Sam, we see you guys as our heros and along with that comes high expectations. It's all in that role of you guys being the provider and protecter and sometimes it's hard for us to realize that you do have flaws, but it's not the end of the world! The struggle makes us so much better, but it's just hard getting through that struggle sometimes!

Simmons, yes indeed we can become focused on one thing and forget about everything else that may exist in our marriage. I loved your analogy about the sunrise, sometimes we don't take that step back enough to marvel a why we fell so in love with our spouse. I think we should challenge ourselves to at least take a step back and appreciate the things that our spouse does for us consistently. Maybe if we consume ourselves with that, we can move past that one thing that we focus on that often gets us stuck in a rut in our relationship.

 
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