How Do I Get My Husband To Stop Being Selfish With Sex?

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice on how a wife can get her husband to stop being selfish in the bedroom.

Should A Married Couple Attend Different Churches?

Dr. Roz and Kil break down should a married couple attend different churches.

My Husband Is Addicted To Drugs!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband is addicted to drugs.

My Husband NEVER Sacrifices For Me!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband doesn't sacrifice for her.

How Do I Tell My Family I'm Marrying Outside My Race?

Dr. Roz and Kil answer a question about marrying outside your race.

Marriage Exposed is the website that talks about what marriage REALLY is...work. It's some of the best work you can sign up for but nevertheless, it's work.

Have you ever wondered what you'd get if you took a clinical psychologist and a hip hop producer and gave them a blog that dealt with marriage, relationships and everything in between? Probably not...BUT if you did, then you'd have Marriage Exposed! With a mixture of therapeutical strategies, biblical principals, practicality and laughter, Dr. Roz and Kil not only coach couples through the "hard times" of their relationships but they continue to impart wisdom, after their storms have passed. Send us your questions or comments and join the conversation!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: I Can't Keep Up!


Aiight...some of our followers know that I'm a music producer and my first love has been music since I can remember. But I've always loved writing but always threw it on the backburner cause it was always boring to me. I remember in high school getting accepted to the Daily News' (Philly's newspaper) intership program and I didn't want to go because I had to be there at 8am EVERY Saturday for 6 weeks and I wasn't trying to hear that! Well, needless to say, my moms WAS trying to hear it so I ended up going, and I actually enjoyed the program. All of that to say is that through this blog, my other blog(willmakebeatsforfood.com) and writing for Couch Sessions (thecouchsessions.com) I've fully recovered my love for writing.

Since writing for Couch Sessions, I've been blessed to have the opportunity to go to a lot of shows and interview a rack of artists. Recently Jaguar Wright outta my hometown Philly was coming to DC to perform and I was going to have the opportunity to interview her. Jag had been MIA for a minute so I was on the internet looking up what she's been into lately and found out she got married. I figured I may be able to ask her some questions for this site about balancing show business and her marriage. Well, halfway through Jag's performance I found out she's divorced! Then the next day I got an email about interviewing Sunshine Anderson who was coming to town. Sunshine's been MIA for a minute too, so I'm back on the net doing the knowledge on her and found out that during her time off, she got married. So ya'll already know what I'm thinking...which was a good idea until I found out she's divorced too! Then a couple of days later I'm chillin' watching Sports Center and I hear Eva Langloria and Tony Parker are getting a divorce and I'm like WTF!?!?! I can't keep up!

I know first hand that divorce is real, I come from a divorced household. Almost every person in my family has been through a divorce and I see cheating and divorce in front of me everyday but like I said, I can't keep up! I need a running score card of who's still together and who's divorced! So this week, I have a question for all of our readers, what do ya'll think are some of the key reasons marriage end in divorce?

Friday, November 26, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Can One Person Satisfy ALL of Your Needs?



Can one person satisfy all of your needs?

Kil's View
I was asked this question last week by one of my single peoples and my answer is very simple, yes one person can meet all of your needs...IF THEY WANT TO!

See, marriage is all about being a servant to your spouse but most folk don't realize that, and even if they do realize it, they still don't want to be a servant. Not too many people are thinking "how can I make my wife happy" or "how can I make my husband feel loved"? We're usually on the opposite side of the spectrum, thinking about ourselves. Most married folk have a cap on what they're willing to do for their spouse. It may be a wife saying "I'm only willing to do THIS but not THAT" and a husband may be saying "I'm willing to talk to her THIS long but not THAT long" and with statements like that, it's not that one person CAN'T meet all your needs, it's that they WON'T meet all of your needs. Which most times leads to one of the spouses (or both) eventually finding someone else to meet those needs.

 Dr. Roz's View

I must agree with Kil on this point. One person is able to satisfy all of your needs, if your needs are communicated properly to that person and they are WILLING to meet your needs! Often times, we are selfish in relationships and are so focused on our needs not being met and seldomly think about are we doing all that we can to meet our spouses needs! Truth be told, it can be an overwhelming process or it may just boil down to pure laziness and the lack of desire to work that hard in our relationships. Most people often do not want to WORK in their relationships, but in everything else in life, we have to work for it to achieve successful results, is not your marriage or relationship that important? If we change the way that we feel about the work that goes into a relationship and let it become second nature, then we will succeed at meeting all of our spouse's needs!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is This A Red Flag?

I recently lost a close family member and my boyfriend was sympathetic but didn't take the steps I felt he should take to comfort me (visit with me, etc.) I'm disappointed in his actions as I interpret them as a lack of concern for my grieving and I shared my concerns with him. But I am wondering if this should be a red flag.


Kil's View

First things first, I'm sorry for your loss. Whenever people deal with death, we all deal with it differently and the people who love us may find it difficult to comfort us. As "the comforter", you may not know whether to shower the person with love and attention or to back away and let the person grieving lead you in what they need.

If you expressed to your boyfriend what you needed, and he didn't give it to you, I would say that once you're up to it, you two need to have a heart to heart about why he wasn't able to provide you with what you needed. Now if you didn't tell him what you wanted and you just assumed he would know what to do, then I would say give him a break because men on a whole really don't know what women want from us, especially in a situation to comfort someone grieving. Another thing to factor in is he may not know how to comfort someone in that situation if he's never been in that position before. Just some things to think about.

Dr. Roz's View

Please accept my condolesces for your loss. I agree with Kil, death is so uncomfortable for people and everyone handles it differently. I do like the fact that you expressed your concerns with your mate because it is important to let your mate know your needs. Now I will say from here on out, God forbids if you have to experience a death soon, but if he does not respond in the way that you have expressed to him that you need, then that most certainly is a red flag. You have to give people a chance, but once you have expressed your concerns and the next time they do not meet your expectations, then the nature of your relationship should be discussed. Also it's important to remember that people are different and will not respond how you may respond. My husband use to tell me all the time, that I should date myself if I want someone to respond in a way that I would, which makes a lot of sense. People are different and will respond differently. Continue communicating with your mate about your needs! Communication is key!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How Do YOU Rate Your Marriage?


Tee and I were having a conversation one night about how men feel about their marriages. I was telling her there are three different answers. The ratings system I was using is a 3 being "I LOVE my marriage, 2 being "my marriage is aiight...I'm surviving" and 1 being "I HATE my wife, God please kill her!" I told her I think most men would be number 2 and number 1 being a VERY close 2nd or vice versa. And of course she asked me why aren't there any men who would rate their marriage a 3 and my answer was "I don't know, but you're not gonna find a lot of people (men or women) who absolutely, positively LOVE their marriage.

The majority of men that I know, when I ask them if they got a divorce from their wife or God forbid she passed away, would they ever think of getting married again and 90% of them said "HELL NO!" But when I talk to women and ask them the same question, it's the flip, 100% of them say "yes" without even taking a second to think about their decision! Which makes me wonder, why is that? And keep in mind, these women's decision aren't based off if they rate their current marriage a 3, 2 or 1. I know women who have been cheated on in their current or past marriage NUMEROUS times but they still would give marriage another try. Now, I have absolutely no answer for that one...maybe it's the whole nurturing thing that women have in them. I'll let Roz and our female readers chime in to give me some insight on that one. But let's get back to the program. So why don't most people LOVE their marriage? I think it's because we're not doing what God called us to do.

Let's look at some of the things that God tells us about marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due to her..." now let's stop right there for a sec. Men, let's be real, like my man Kevin Hart says "real talk", how many of us are REALLY giving our wives the affection DUE to her? Not the amount of affection WE think they need or want but what's OWED to them? Probably not too many of us.

"And likewise also the wife to her husband." Aiight, women...are ya'll REALLY giving your husband the affection he's due? And I'm not even talking about sex! I'm just talking about hugging your husband, kissing him, holding him, etc? 
"The wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."

So we're not in control of our bodies anymore, our spouses are. So no one (husband or wife) should be withholding sex from each other or using sex as a bargaining chip in the marriage.

"Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self control."

Aiight, so basically in a nutshell, if you're not praying or fasting for something, a married couple should be having sex...period. It's like I've always told women, you can't send your sexless husband out into a world full of hoes and expect him not to be tempted! And then turn around and ask why he fell for the temptation!Don't ya'll know that's who Satan is looking for, horny husbands to tempt? So if you (men or women) decide to hold back sex for any reason from your spouse, PLEASE don't be shocked when someone else is trying to get at them!

Now Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives submit to your own husband as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husband in everything."

Wives, are you allowing your husband to lead you? Are you submitting to your husbands? And before you answer, do me this justice, and ask your husband do you allow him to lead. That way you can tell me the RIGHT answer, not just your answer. Because both men and women have a tendency to think we're doing a lot better at our jobs then we're actually doing.

Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it."

Fellas, we should be loving our wives enough to lay down our lives for them. Now the question is, do our wives feel that kinda love from us? Probably not but ask her and find out.

Why am I putting up scriptures about what God wants? Because I believe that if we're doing for our spouse what God wants us to we'd have more people LOVING their marriages and not just being aiight or praying a bolt of lightening would kill our spouse. Could you imagine how happy a wife would be if she was getting all the affection that was due to her? Could you imagine how happy a husband would be if he got sex anytime he wanted it? Could you imagine how happy a husband would be if he knew that his wife let him lead the family and she had a submissive attitude? Could you imagine how happy a wife would be if she could depend on her husband to lean on God to make decisions for the family? You probably can't imagine these things because most marriages don't live like this. You have wives feeling neglected, husbands horny as hell, wives trying to lead the house and husbands making decisions for their family based off which way the wind blows. But let's close our eyes and imagine a world like this. A world where spouses have the kind of marriages God wanted them to have. Yeah, that would be nice...If marriages were like all the examples I just gave, who on earth would want to get a divorce?!?!?! And I just pulled out a couple of scriptures of what God says about marriage. If we really start diggin' deep in the word, we'll see A LOT more of the blessings that God wants for YOUR marriage!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Communication, How Well do you Communicate in your Relationship?

Dr. Roz's Opinion!
1 100% agree with Kil in terms of how important communication is for a marriage! I firmly believe that a relationship or marriage will not survive if the two involved are unable to communicate with each other! Communicating is not just talking, but it's listening to your partner's concerns and empathizing with their concerns. So often we are preparing our rebuttal in a heated argument that we miss key pieces of what our spouse is trying to express to us!

Effective communication is often hindered by masking our true feelings, avoiding what we trully want to talk about and starting an argument over something totally unrelated, trying to control the conversation by cutting each other, or name calling. If this sounds like you, then chances are you are not communicating properly in your relationship! As a result, you are not giving your relationship a chance to grow, nor are you attending to your spouse's needs, thus leading to conflict!

I encourage you all to try to be open and honest about your feelings, but to also put yourself in your spouse's  shoes to understand their concerns. A relationship simply can not survive without being able to communicate and to communicate effectively! I'd like to challenge you all to assess how well you communicate your needs and if you are attentive to your spouse's needs.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Can A Marriage Survive Infidelity?



Dr. Roz’s View

Absolutely marriages can survive infidelity! It takes two dedicated people to want to work on whatever the issues are in your marriage and to recommit to each other! I know easier said than done, however there is a reason why we do what we do! You owe it to yourselves to figure out what went wrong and how you can make it better. Forgiveness is hard, but doable! Regaining trust is hard, but it’s doable and let’s face it, no one can turn off the love you have for your spouse overnight! Yes you may have triggers that will make you think of the cheating, maybe 2 or 10 years after the event, but you have to make a choice on whether you want to move forward or remain bitter. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the person that wronged you, so you absolutely have power over the choice of whether your relationship will survive or not!

Kil’s View

I think a marriage can survive infidelity if BOTH people are committed to repairing the marriage. I’ve seen a lot of times when the person who’s cheated feels like an apology to their spouse should be enough and that they shouldn’t have to go to counseling or deal with the backlash that comes with cheating. Some folk seem to not understand that SO many things are affected when someone cheats. And if you want your marriage back, the person who cheated is gonna have to work and work hard to get it back. I like to compare cheating to bankruptcy. You screw up and you’ll be paying for it for at least 7 years. Some folk feel like “I did it, I’m sorry, get over it” should be enough, but news flash, it’s not. Oh, if life was that easy. Trust me, you’ll be paying for your cheating, lying, secret life, etc for a minute. And on the flip side, the spouse who was wronged has to still want the marriage enough to go through the painful process that goes along with repairing the marriage, which is no easy task. So, I do believe that a marriage can survive infidelity but it’s gonna be hard work on both people’s part.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Happy Birthday Naomi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Naomi!!!!!!!!!!
First things first, before I get into this week's topic. I have to give a CRAZY shout out to my baby girl Naomi for celebrating her 5th birthday today!!!!!!! I can't believe it's been 5 years since I first held Naomi in my arms. Since that was the very first time I ever held a baby I KNEW I would drop her at least once during her newborn/toddler ages but thankfully I didn't! Naomi has grown into a beautiful, intelligent, God loving young lady and I wouldn't trade her for the world! So Happy Birthday Naomi and Daddy loves you with ALL of his heart!!!!!

Now, back to our regular scheduled programming on "Male Mondays". I was watching the Ravens/Dolphins game on Sunday trying to figure out what our topic this week should be. The Ravens had the ball and it was 3rd and goal and by the time the Ravens got in formation on the field the play clock was down to 3 seconds and the Raven's had to use the team's 2nd timeout and Clark Kellog said that the Raven's communication is defintely lacking today, which gave me the idea to talk about communication in marriage because in most marriages, communication is defintely lacking.

I think one of the hardest parts of marriage is that most times one spouse not only wants to communicates more than the other but they also communicates better than their spouse. And in my opinion for a marriage to truly be successful both individuals have to not only want to communicate, and have to communicate but need to learn to communicate well. When Tee and I first got married, one of our first counselors taught us that a lot of times "words get lost in the air". And what they meant by that was as the words leave my mouth and by the time they get to Tee's ears, what she hears, isn't what I was really saying. And that taught us that we have to make sure we both understand what the other is trying to say, which is no easy task. Because if your spouse doesn't get what you're really saying, it just leads us down a long, winding road that's hard to come back from. Whenever I start a converstaion with Tee, I always start with what my "thesis statement" is so she can understand what the moral of the story is before words start getting lost. But this is just one of many techniques you can use to try to make sure your spouse truly understands what you're trying to say, but I can't express how important it is for both spouses to step up their communication game. NO ONE wants to be on a team where one person does ALL the work and does all the "heavy lifting" while the other one just sits back and does nothing. BOTH people need to be working equally as hard to make sure that as a couple, that your communication game is tight which will reflect in a happier marriage. And happiness in marriage is like money, you can never have enough. I mean really, who doesn't want a happier marriage?

Friday, November 5, 2010

Female Fridays: Who's Investing In Your Marriage or Relationship?


My Fabulous Mommy, The President of my Advisory Board
I MUST SAY I AM TRULY BLESSED! I have several really good friends that love me and my husband that I can discuss my marital issues with and I know that there is no judgment zone. My parents who have been married for 43 years, always has great advice and my 3 sisters are also there for me, when I am trying to figure out this thing called being a wife! I even have a great relationship with my in laws as well! I consider them all my advisory board because I believe in processing my emotions and trying to see different perspectives about a situation.  Trust me if I am dead wrong, they will help me to see the errors of my ways but they understand why I may respond in such a manner as well, because they love me!  

Frank and I learned only on that you have to have people in your life that are a friend to your marriage. We do not have outside friends. Whoever is his friend is my friend as well and vice versa! I’m not saying that this is what everyone has to do, but this just works really well for us. If we find ourselves venting to our advisory board (of course I have more people that I vent to than he does), we know that they have our marriage as the best interest in mind! It’s not about leave him girl because he is no good for you or leave her because she drives you crazy, but we receive great solid GODLY advice on how to deal with our issues.

Marriage is not the fairy tale that we think it is when we are planning our weddings! I admit I was more enthralled in planning my wedding than what my actual marriage would look like.  3 weeks after being married, I recall being in a grocery store in the meat department crying because I couldn’t decide whether I should buy Frank turkey or ham for his lunch. The pressure of being a good wife in that moment was based on what would my husband enjoy the most and am I doing a great job in this whole wife department! Never mind the 5 years we spent dating and engaged, so I knew his likes, but that did not stop me from crying like I was  in the third grade in the middle of Whole Foods and calling one of my girlfriends and telling her I’m a horrible wife because I can’t make a decision between turkey or ham! It wasn’t until she said buy them both that I realized how silly this whole situation must have appeared to all the other patrons in the store. I can laugh about it now, but in that moment the stress of being a good wife was overwhelming and if my girl did not talk me through my mini little breakdown, I’m sure someone would have called the police on me for disturbing the peace! Lol

I believe in accountability and sometimes when I’m not feeling my husband or he’s not feeling me ( it happens to everyone), my advisory board lets me vent, but they also hold me accountable to the vows that I made and help me to realize different perspectives. Again, I’m blessed because most people will not be honest about the woes of marriage and sometimes you can feel like you are all alone in a situation! You start talking to other married people and you realize that just about every couple is going through what you are going through! That’s why I love writing this blog so much because it’s time to get honest about marriages, so that we can save our marriages.

When you think about it, we sound ridiculous thinking that marriage will always be blissful, there will be hard times! Just because you are going through hard times doesn’t mean that your marriage is a sham! It’s just a test to see whether you can whether the storm. Marriage is a lot like life, there will be disappointments, let downs, and disagreements, but you don’t divorce life when it gets hard, you push through the storm and that’s the same thing you have to do in marriage! Now I’m not saying tell you business to the world, but you have to have someone in your life that you can trust that will help you be accountable to your spouse. Again, I’m blessed because I have a great advisory board, whether it’s through email, blackberry IM, text, or via the phone, there is always a listening ear!

To my advisory board, (you all know who you are) thank you for investing in my marriage and loving my family enough to want to see us through our trials!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is There Anything Wrong With Internet Dating?



Kil’s 2 Cents

Me personally, I don’t find anything wrong with internet dating because I’ve heard some great success stories and some real horrible stories. So, it sounds just like regular dating. I personally just don’t get it. I’m old school, I wanna see someone, try to talk to them (or they try to kick it to me) and it moves on from there. But I’m really not an internet dude in the first place. Prior to the MOP situation, I only used the net for email and downloading music. Never was on Black Planet or Black People meet Black People, or whatever those sites are called. Like I said it’s not my steez. But hey, it works for some folk. I just don’t get how people fall in love via facebook, twitter, etc and you’ve never even met the person! I’m just saying, even if you meet the person on line, can you at least finally meet them in person SOMEDAY! But just having a relationship strictly online…I don’t get it. But remember…I’m old school.



Roz’s 2 Cents
Match.Com, EHarmony, BlackPlanet, or JDATE they are all the same, an avenue to provide you with hope to meet someone special! There is absolutely nothing wrong with online dating as long as the two adults involved are responsible! The problems come into play when people begin to trust and quickly fall in love with someone they have never met all because you have great chemistry over the phone or through text and email. I always like to caution females, especially to be careful and to do their due diligence before they began to quickly trust any potential partner whether it is online or in a club. Do your research! Nowadays you can google a person or check other online programs to see if the individual is legit. Ladies, you can also check www.dontdatehimgirl.com to see if someone has posted a profile about your soon to be suitor. Please note that many people lie in their profiles so before you start sending your most provocative pictures to someone you met online, be sure that this is truly the person you think you are sending your pictures to! Remember that once you send those pictures out, you can’t control what happens to them after that. If you live in a state like North Carolina, you might want to check to make sure that your suitor is not married or you might find yourself with an alienation of affection lawsuit from his wife! Be smart when dating online and try not to reveal so much of your information upfront. Make sure this person can be trusted with your personal information before you start giving them the details of your life, you never know how someone may use this information against you! Be sure to be completely honest about what you want in a relationship and ask the right questions to make sure that any potential partner wants the same things that you want!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Return On Your Investments

"
Big J...one of my marriage mentors!
You will get return in your investment, if attention you pay..." - Jay Z

I've been to my fair share of weddings throughout the past 10 years. Some are still around and some have an ended but one thing that I've heard at many of these weddings is the pastor telling the audience that he's charging them with "investing" in this marriage to help it last. But I don't think a lot people realize that a marriage is sometimes another entity from the two people that are in the marriage. The marriage is like a child. And the same way you've heard the saying that it takes a village to raise a child, likewise sometimes it takes a village to keep a marriage together. But in order to do that, the married couple have to have that "village".

I remember one time when I was a teenager and I was driving my uncle's car (I usually was always seen driving my mom's car) and when I pulled up on my block before I could even get out the car my neighbor Mr. Bey from across the street was already at the car door window giving me the 3rd degree! "Who's car is this? Where did you get it from? Does your mom know you're driving this car?" And best believe if I didn't show him the registration that it was my uncles car, I would've been in a world of trouble. The moral is that their were certain people on my block growing up that not only had my mother given them permission to check me and make sure I was doing right but those people genuinely wanted to see me succeed and not go down the wrong path. And as married couples we need the same thing. We need friends who just don't tell us what we want to hear but what we need to hear. And friends who aren't just looking out for the best interest of the person but the best interest of the marriage. If you come through here often, you'll hear me talk repeatedly about accountability couples and and mentors and how important they are to a marriage reaching it's full potential. And the same way you're not gonna give the crack head down the block permission to check your child, don't have your homegirl who can't keep a man to save her life being your primary confidant. And likewise for a dude, your homeboy who has 4 different girlfriends AND he's married may not be the best source of advice for the future of your marriage. You have to know where to go to get good advice, not just advice. And it's not a slight on that friend, it just means you don't go to them for relationship advice unless they're telling you what not to do. If your best friend just filed bankruptcy, you may not wanna put your families financial future in his hands ya mean?

And as married couples, we have to be willing to open up to our "village" and tell the whole truth, not just our side of the truth. Because what we tell them leads to the advice they give us in return. I've heard many convos where the person just makes their spouse sound crazy and act like they're completely innocent in everything going on which is the furthest thing from the truth. There are way too many marriages failing and families being torn apart and I truly believe that if we had more investors that many of those marriages might have succeeding. So if you have friends that are married ask them this week "how can I invest in your marriage?" They may need a baby sitter so they can have a night out or with everything going on with the economy, a couple going through tough financial times might be able to use a gift card to Fridays or to a movie so they can have a date night. But I can't stress enough the importance about the "village" that marriages need to help them succeed.