Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Is This A Red Flag?

I recently lost a close family member and my boyfriend was sympathetic but didn't take the steps I felt he should take to comfort me (visit with me, etc.) I'm disappointed in his actions as I interpret them as a lack of concern for my grieving and I shared my concerns with him. But I am wondering if this should be a red flag.

Kil's View

First things first, I'm sorry for your loss. Whenever people deal with death, we all deal with it differently and the people who love us may find it difficult to comfort us. As "the comforter", you may not know whether to shower the person with love and attention or to back away and let the person grieving lead you in what they need.

If you expressed to your boyfriend what you needed, and he didn't give it to you, I would say that once you're up to it, you two need to have a heart to heart about why he wasn't able to provide you with what you needed. Now if you didn't tell him what you wanted and you just assumed he would know what to do, then I would say give him a break because men on a whole really don't know what women want from us, especially in a situation to comfort someone grieving. Another thing to factor in is he may not know how to comfort someone in that situation if he's never been in that position before. Just some things to think about.

Dr. Roz's View

Please accept my condolesces for your loss. I agree with Kil, death is so uncomfortable for people and everyone handles it differently. I do like the fact that you expressed your concerns with your mate because it is important to let your mate know your needs. Now I will say from here on out, God forbids if you have to experience a death soon, but if he does not respond in the way that you have expressed to him that you need, then that most certainly is a red flag. You have to give people a chance, but once you have expressed your concerns and the next time they do not meet your expectations, then the nature of your relationship should be discussed. Also it's important to remember that people are different and will not respond how you may respond. My husband use to tell me all the time, that I should date myself if I want someone to respond in a way that I would, which makes a lot of sense. People are different and will respond differently. Continue communicating with your mate about your needs! Communication is key!


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