How Do I Get My Husband To Stop Being Selfish With Sex?

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice on how a wife can get her husband to stop being selfish in the bedroom.

Should A Married Couple Attend Different Churches?

Dr. Roz and Kil break down should a married couple attend different churches.

My Husband Is Addicted To Drugs!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband is addicted to drugs.

My Husband NEVER Sacrifices For Me!

Dr. Roz and Kil give advice to a wife who's husband doesn't sacrifice for her.

How Do I Tell My Family I'm Marrying Outside My Race?

Dr. Roz and Kil answer a question about marrying outside your race.

Marriage Exposed is the website that talks about what marriage REALLY It's some of the best work you can sign up for but nevertheless, it's work.

Have you ever wondered what you'd get if you took a clinical psychologist and a hip hop producer and gave them a blog that dealt with marriage, relationships and everything in between? Probably not...BUT if you did, then you'd have Marriage Exposed! With a mixture of therapeutical strategies, biblical principals, practicality and laughter, Dr. Roz and Kil not only coach couples through the "hard times" of their relationships but they continue to impart wisdom, after their storms have passed. Send us your questions or comments and join the conversation!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: My Boyfriend's Acting Different...What Could It Be?

My BF met my parents recently. We have dated for nearly a year. Apparently my father had a conversation with him and the gist of the convo was that I am a good woman with my share of flaws and that I will not wait for ever (for him to decide when to move to the next step). Since this conversation (about 3 weeks ago) he has spent time with me but has gone out every night, either with friends or alone. I am not sure what to make out of this new behavior and I and having a hard time determining how to address it with him without appearing to be a nag. Any suggestions or insight? Thanks!

Kil's 2 Cents
Well, that's what's up that you don't wanna seem like a nag but truth be told, if you bring up something we (men) don't wanna talk about, we'll probably label you a nag anyway, so you might as well ask him. If your boyfriend took your father serious about their convo, he may be pulling back if he's not ready to take that next step or he could just be showing off. But if he's pulling back because he's not ready to take that next step, he should tell you that and then you'll have to decide whether to stay with him or leave the relationship IF you're ready to take the next step. But like I tell everyone who asks questions around here, you gotta ask your mate because he can be doing these things for a wide range of reason and all Roz and I can do is assume.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Can Men and Woman TRULY Just Be Friends?

So, the hoopla I've been seeing for the past week and a half is this video of Steve Harvey talking about how men and women can't be friends. And some of my peoples have been hitting me up asking me my two cents on this topic. Well, before I get into my opinion, let's check out what Steve had to say...

So what's my two cents? Well, it depends on the when and the why. If we're talking about single men and women, then I agree with Chris Rock that no man sees a woman and says "I wanna be her friend." If a single man is "really" friends with a woman and wants NOTHING but friendship from her, it's usually for two reasons. Number one, he's not attracted to her or number 2, even if he is attracted to her, she's too crazy to deal with in a relationship. BUT under #2, he still may hit if she let's him but even with having sex with her he STILL may not think she's wifey material and still wanna just be friends...but with benefits.

Now with married folk, I think a true friendship between men and women depends on your committment to your marriage because as a married man/woman you're going to be attracted to other people, but what you do with that attraction is the key to the puzzle. For me, the bulk of the female friends I have to this day I've known for 15+ years. I can count on one hand how many female friends I've added to my circle since I've been married and because I respect my marriage and my committment to Tanya, all I want from ALL of my female friends is just their friendship. Now if you don't respect your marriage or your committment to your family then as a married man/woman you may be trying to have sex with your male/female friends but the moral to the story is I'm sorry to bust Steve Harvey's bubble but yes, men and women CAN be friends, it just depeneds on the circumstances.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How to Find the Right Mate, The Right Way!

I completely agree with Kil's assessment about praying for the right mate! I do believe in consulting God or your higher power with all my decisions, especially my major life decisions! However, I want to twist this segmesnt a bit and query you on whether you are the right mate!

Often times, we lie to ourselves and like to think that we are the best person that anybody can have in their lives! We often say , you will never find anybody better than me, or She can't love you like I can, but we never stop to think about what we truly bring to our relationships in regards to our flaws and assets!

How often do you ask yourself if you are the right mate for someone and what makes you the right mate! How often do you spend time with yourself to figure out how to better you! It's my personal opinion ( and could possibly pass for a professional opinion) that you can't be a mate for anyone if you do not know what you bring to the table! What makes you a great spouse, what attributes do you have, what are your flaws, and are they liveable flaws? What I mean by liveable flaws is simply does your flaws not cause too much tension between you and your spouse and it's something that can be looked over. However, if infidelity, substance abuse, or finances are part of your flaws, those are not liveable flaws, as they will cause too much tension in your relationship!

So while you are searching for that right mate, I challenge you to make sure that you are the right mate for someone once you are found! And yes ladies, you are to be found! So ladies work on yourself, so when Prince Charming does come your way, you are ready to receive the blessing that God has bestowed on you!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: How To Find A Mate, The Right Way!

Go Eagles!!!!! 28 Pts in the 4th?!?!?!
A lot of my single peoples ask me, "how do I find a good man" or "how do I find a good woman"? And my answer is always the same "boring" answer of "pray on it". I call that the boring answer because people want me to give them a sure shot recipe like, catch the 6 bus to Broad and Olney, then get on the 1st car of the express train going to City Hall and the dude sitting 3 chairs from the conductor's booth, he's the one." If only finding the right person to marry was that easy. See, when you're praying on something, you need to have patience and in 2010 that's something a lot of people don't have...but we need it IF we wanna find the right person.

I'd rather be patient in finding the right person, then having to live through the hell of picking the wrong person. First thing first, I know not everyone wants to hear this, but not everyone is called to be married. The same way everyone isn't called to have children. But both are things most people want, so we move heaven and earth to get them and we don't care about God's plan for us, we just brody (philly slang for "get in front of" or "to take" exp. "That cat just brodied me for my place in line") our plan into effect. But I've learned from playing this game of life for 36 years that God's plan is better then mine. So single men and women out there who want to be married, PLEASE I beg of you, pray to God for who your mate should be and wait for HIM to give you the ok, not your best friend, father, mother, etc. That right there is Kil's sure shot way to find a mate, cause you'll NEVER go wrong with God's plan! Trust me on that!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What Does Love have to DO with it?

What does love have to do with a relationship? Obviously you need it to maintain your relationship, but does love conquer all? Sure love makes it easier to deal with your spouse's flaws, but is it more important than commitment?

 I know a lot of divorced or separated people that still love each other, so why is that not enough to make the marriage work? All you hear about relationships is that it can only work if you fall in love with someone, but what happens if you feel like you've fallen out of love with your spouse, but you still want your marriage? Is your marriage, really a marriage at this point? When does commitment out weigh love? I'm not sure if we will ever know because nine times out of ten we do not assess our marriages to see what makes it work or not work!

I think Love is different for everyone and it certainly depends on what your definition of love is that dictates if it has anything to do with your marriage or not! I know individuals that are in an arranged marriage based purely off of business, however their marriages last! Maybe at some point they may find love within their marriage, but it certainly does not start off with that lovey dovey butterflies in your stomach feeling!

 It's my assessment that love alone can't make a relationship function properly. Moreover, I believe that each couple has to figure out the ingredients that makes their marriage work, as I am sure that it is different for each couple. However, what I do know for sure is that Love has to be a part of the equation for my relationship to function properly!

Family, what are your thoughts, what role does love play in your relationship?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What Should I Do if My Spouse Doesn't Want to Go to Marriage Counseling with Me?

What should I do if my spouse doesn't want to go to marriage counseling with me and does that mean he doesn't want to be married anymore?

Dr. Roz's Response

It does not neccessarily mean that he may not want to be married to you anymore, he just may be uncomfortable with the idea of telling his business to a stranger. I would encourage you to ask your spouse what his resistance may be in terms of participating in therapy, it may not have anything to do with the idea that it's about you, but again moreso the idea of someone else telling him how to "run" his life. If this may be his reason, Please let him know that this is a myth about therapy and that therapy is not a place where someone solves your problems for you without you doing any of the leg work. As a therapist, we guide YOU in helping YOU to figure out what may be causing you distress. It is not a therapist's job to direct your life, we want nothing more than to empower you to better your life. I would encourage you to still try to communicate with your spouse to figure out the resistance and if he doesn't go to therapy with you, then go by yourself. Sooner or later your spouse will want to know what you are saying about them in therapy and eventually will want to be involved in the process.

Kil's Response

 First, I think you should share with your spouse how important it is to you that you both go to counseling together. If he doesn't budge, then I think you should go by yourself. We both individually brings thing to our marriage, so even without your spouse present you can begin the healing and growing process for yourself. I would then come home and share what your counseling session was about because prayerfully if he sees you growing from the counseling process, maybe he will want to start going with you. And I don't think if he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, that means he doesn't want to be married anymore. It can mean many things, like he doesn't want to share his feelings with someone else or he doesn't feel comfortable sharing in general but you'll have to ask him if him not going to counseling means he doen't love you anymore. Good luck!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: What's Love Got to Do With It?

When Tee and I were in pre-marriage counseling, our pastor asked us what was the most important ingredient in marriage. We both thought the answer was love but the pastor told us it was commitment. He told us there would be days and times when it feels like we don't love each other but being committed to each other will be what keeps the marriage together.

So, even though we were wrong with love being the answer, I do believe love is a HUGE part of making your marriage work. But I'm not talking about "worldly love", I'm talking about "agape" love. With "worldly love", the premise is I'll love you as long as you love me and you do what I want you to do. But "agape" love is TOTALLY different. The essence of agape love is self sacrifice. Agape is love which is of God, whose very nature is love itself. Agape love is what is missing in SO many of our marriages. It would be truly hard to fall out of love with someone who's serving you and meeting all of your needs. And if you mix agape love and commitment together we would have a lot more happier marriages and much less divorce.

John 13:34 Jesus says "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. As I have loved you, you should also love one another." This new commandment involves loving one another as Christ loved us sacrificially, even to the point of death. But only God can generate that kinda sacrificial love within us so at the end of the day, if we want the kinda love that can save our marriages and our families, we're gonna have to start hanging out with God more.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: Does the Media influence How We Percieve What a Marriage Should be?

I agree with Kil on how Chris Rock is amazing in discussing real life events in his comedy act and that the media completely influences how we perceive things. However, I think the media influences women a bit differently than how men may be influenced in regards to marriage.

In my honest opinion, I believe the media focuses more on the wedding rather than the marriage completely. I know I planned my wedding at the age of five, bought bridal books while in college, watched all of the bridal shows, (TLC's A Wedding Story, Bridezilla, just to name a few)!  All in preparation for the big day, but I can honestly tell you on September 17, 2006, a day after my wedding, that's when I thought about what my marriage would be!

My complete focus was on the details of the wedding, having the perfect dress, the perfect caterer, the perfect song, and the perfect venue. I drove myself, my family and friends, and my three wedding coordinators crazy!

For this reason alone, I think that this blog is so important, real people have to tell the real truth about marriage and to encourage others to think about everything in a marriage, not just the wedding! So follower's what are your thoughts, especially women, does media influence the aspects of the wedding more than the actual marriage?

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dr. Roz and Kil: It's the Media!

My favorite comedian is Chris Rock. I think the way he's able to talk about reality and make it funny is amazing. I always joke that Chris gives the best marriage advice through his comedy specials and his movie "I Think I Love My Wife" but we're so busy laughing nobody's listening. One of my fav routines Chris does is when he's talking about the media and how black folk blame the media for everything and I started thinking about how has the media shaped our opinion of marriage.

I was listening to Jazmine Sullivan's new album "Love Me Back" (which is BANANAS so go out and support!) and one of her songs "Excuse Me" has this line that's just flat out beautiful. She sings "Got me in the kitchen fixing dinner, make me wanna cook and clean, and just to see you smiling at me, baby you don't even have to ask me, don't care what the task be if it makes you happy" and I was thinking that sounds soooooo good, now if only that's what the game was really like. I mean for real, how many people REALLY can say they feel that way? Just to see your husband/wife happy, that you'd be willing to do whatever they want?

So I started thinking, is it lines like this that has us thinking this is what marriage is gonna be like? Someone cooking and cleaning the house while they're smiling at you? I've got a RACK of friends who always tell me they wanna be like the Huxtables. But are the Huxtables reality? I can't think of one episode when Cliff and Claire argued, and I mean ARGUED. I can't think of one episode where either of them ever complained about their jobs or money. And even though they were both a doctor and a lawyer, they were always home! No late nights at the office (except if Cliff was going to deliver a baby in the middle of the night) or nuthin! They were always around to be there for whatever their kids needed. There weren't any arguments over money, sex, that having 6 kids and those 6 kids bringing home other stray kids took away from their time together. The Huxtables just sang and danced and had fun. And if this is what people expect from their marriage when they say they wanna be like the Huxtables, I hope they're a sit com character cause what ya'll saw every Thursday from 8-8:30 ain't reality!

Sure you can dance and sing and have fun with your wife but you're also going fight, be frustrated about money sex, your job, life etc. I remember when Tanya and I first got married her boss' daughter asked her was our marriage like Martin and Gina's. 9 times outta 10 that's what she probably thought marriage would be like. Having fun, your friends over all the time, cracking jokes and again that's a small percentage of what marriage is about but that's not the big picture. So what do ya'll think? Does media give us a false sense of what marriage is gonna be like?