Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Introducing...Ms. Mahogany


One of the goals that Roz and I had when we first started Til Death was for it to become a community where it's not always just Roz and I preaching 24/7 to everybody but a place where other people and other couples could share their stories and thoughts too. A minute ago we had my man Gregg came through as our first guest blogger but recently through the wonderful world of social media I caught up with one of my homegirls that I've known since day one and whenever I see her posts or tweets, she's always saying something that I feel that other women and young girls NEED to hear so they can know they're not in this war by themselves. What war you might ask? The war between men and women that's been going on since the beginning of time and that will be going on until the world comes to an end. (Ya'll forgot that Adam threw Eve under the bus in Genesis 3:12?) From Roz and I counseling couples to me and my wife being in group counseling ourselves, one thing I've realized is that SO many people feel like they're the only ones going through whatever they're dealing with. And almost 9 times outta 10 they're just one of millions who are going through or have gone through the EXACT same thing. But because folk don't talk or share, many couples and people are left to feel like they're living all alone in their own personal hell.

So with all of that said, I stepped to my homegirl about writing some posts for Til Death and at first she was a little apprehensive but after me buggin' her and buggin' her and buggin' her to no end...she finally caved in. But her one demand was that she wanted to remain anonymous which was cool with me. I told her she could be on her Zane jawn which I thought would be REAL dope especially when she starts her own blog. (my goal for anybody who blogs for us is for them to eventually start their own) So with all of that said...meet Ms. Mahogany!


"I Know My Worth...But When Will Others See It?"


Today has truly been a rough day for me.  I went to sleep happy last night, or so I pretended.  And I woke up miserable.  I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year now (10 months on & off), and as far as I can tell it isn’t going anywhere.  We started off going out, getting to know each other and finding that we had a lot in common.  The attraction was definitely there, and although we had sex a little too quickly into our “getting acquainted” period… I felt it was ok because we both were adults. I was 35, he was 30. I don’t know where things first went wrong with us, but the relationship quickly turned into a purely sexual one…and as I sit here and type these words.. I’m so disgusted with myself.  I’m so unhappy… How is it possible to continually love a person who says they love you but who is unwilling to prove it to you?  I’ve always stated I wanted more… and he always says he knows, and that I deserve more. Yet there’s no change in our situation. We talk daily, whether he’s checking in with me or vice versa.  However, our situation remains the same.  When I go out I’m constantly being hit on, but I seldom respond back because I feel bad—like I’m cheating on him?!?!? But how is it cheating when we are nothing!  But I love this man though.  This man who can’t or won’t or both...commit to me.  I allow this man to aid in the degrading of my worth.  Why? For Love?  

Love I thought was unselfish. Love I thought was about compromise.  This is something we as women do a lot.  We know what it is we deserve, yet we sometimes settle for what the men are willing to give.  Then 10 years down the line we are still complaining about our situations.  Why? Because we think we’re in love, and we think we are sacrificing ourselves for love.  Well, sometimes love just isn’t enough.  I’ve left this man whom I love, and who says he loves me, over a dozen times because I felt my worth was not being respected. I felt like I was disrespecting myself to continue like we were.  However each time I’ve come back, hoping that this time would be different.  Although, I think I know in my heart it’s unlikely to change unless he wants to change.  I’m in my late 30’s. I want to get married and have another baby, with my husband.  I want to have a family.  I don’t have any time to waste.  I am a strong believer in God, and my faith is what has gotten me through a lot of difficult times in my life.  I believe God has built me for greatness. I know he wants me to not only know my worth, but to truly start respecting it as well.  I’m worthy of a husband who is going to love me as much, if not more than I love him.  I’m worthy of commitment.  But in order for me to get those things I have to be willing to do things differently.  My grandmother has a saying..  “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"  And it’s oh so true.  Even if he does want to commit to me…why should he if he’s getting what it is he wants now? My husband may still be out there waiting for me so I have to give him a chance to find me by walking away from something destructive.  I love this man, but I love myself more.  Knowing our worth is great. However our actions allow others to recognize our worth, and therefore treat us accordingly.  I am truly a work in progress. 


*As I minister to you, I minister to myself*

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