Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The Chrysalis: That's Just Not Fair


That’s just not fair!! A familiar sentiment heard by parents everywhere. Children all over the country complain about things not being fair in their world or experience. Unfortunately, they are not the only ones repeating this mantra.

Everywhere I go I hear adults speaking of what is fair and unfair in their lives. Spouses feel that househould responsibilities or financial obligations are being unfairly divided. Siblings feel that parents are more giving or lenient to a brother or sister. Friends feel like they give and give of themselves and don’t get the reciprocation that they expect. Employers, employees, mothers, fathers, the list goes on. All I hear is about fair! So let me tell you, like I tell my wonderful boy/girl twins who are almost ten….There is NO SUCH THING AS FAIR! There is a such thing as right but no such thing as fair.

You will live a very unhappy life if you go about seeking fairness. Your friendships will suffer, your familial relationships will be fraught with discord, and your marriages will be a constant battlefield. Fairness requires record keeping and score tabulation. It has no room for grace and love. It is an algorithm of subjective equality rooted in selfishness. When a person feels something is unfair what they really are feeling is that they were entitled to more than what they received. A pursuit of tangible equality in relationships is a relationship killer. We have now taken that person and turned them into a product. What is their output? Is it equal to mine? Are they getting more out of this relationship than I am? If so, where and how much? He doesn’t change as many diapers as I do. She doesn’t pay exactly half of the bills with her income. He doesn’t clean up as much of the house as I do. You can probably add your own unfair gripes here as well. I have had many over the course of my life.

When we are in relationship with others, especially a marriage relationship, we need to go with the ebb and flow of those relationships. It never is 50/50 and it never will be. Someone is always giving more of themselves in an instance than the other. We need to focus on what is right and not what is fair. We need to look at ourselves and find our role and fill it well.

Now I know there are some people out there who are saying that their life is really, truly unfair. They do just about everything in the home and relationship. If that is the case, your problem is boundaries and that is a separate discussion. Poor boundaries in relationships makes one person lazy and the other overstepping into areas they don’t need to be in causing a serious imbalance of the ebb and flow of a relationship. (Read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud)

So, look up from your internal spreadsheets, see the person you are in relationship with. Is the relationship healthy? Is this a person that you need to continue to have a relationship with? Some relationships are for a season and a purpose and they eventually come to an end. If you are married, really look at and into your spouse. Experience them as a whole being with feelings and aspirations and wants and needs just as you. We are all flawed and in need of love, understanding, appreciation, patience, and true relationship. Acknowledge that in yourself and in others. Listen with your whole self and accept and speak the truth. Find peace and stop counting the pieces. And no, it’s not fair.


Laura Hernandez

About the author:

Laura Hernandez is an energetic, divorced mother of twins. She is a hypnotist, motivational speaker, life coach and unintentional comedienne. Through sharing her life story of tragedy, struggle and overcoming against the odds, she strives to encourage every person she comes in contact with to transform their lives and live in hope, love, happiness and wholeness.

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